There's an app for that...

Kay - Ok... Have you heard of Snap Chat???

----------

Me: Nope. WTF is a snap chat?

----------

Kay - I feel so old... I work with a few younger girls and they were talking about it.

----------

Me: Fucking Whipper Snappers.

----------

Kay: Apparently it's an app on your phone and you take pictures of yourself and send them to your friends. Originally it was for sexting or something.

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Me: How the fuck is that different then instagram? Besides being so "Hip"... so "Now"

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Kay: I was like OMG I feel so old... Sexting... Really!?!?!

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Me: Well tell those girls to keep their clothes on so they can respect themselves in the morning.

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Kay: Supposedly they aren't sexting. But, I guess other people they know are.

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Me: I send McLovin a little "how ya doin" every once in awhile...but we're married.  I'm pretty sure it was part of our vows

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Kay: Man I need to spice things up...

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Me: Till death do us part, for sicker or poorer, pic messages with or without clothes yadda yadda... I Do

----------

Kay: Huh...

----------

Me: Either way, real sexting is a bad idea and only leads to thumb blisters and a suspicious rash.

Fuck! By the time our kids are at sexing age they will be having virtual sex through The Cloud or some shit... Only it probably won't be The Cloud anymore... we will be storing all our digital files on the Robo-Alpaca... So they will be virtually sexing with the help of a robotic alpaca... That is my prediction of sexting in the future.

----------

Kay: Ummmmm Right................... I need to find new friends...

Techy Talk

txts with McLovin

------

Me - Guess who's computer just blue screened!

--

McLovin - Huh... If my PC did that as frequently as yours there would be an "untimely" coffee spill in its future.

--

Me - It happens when I'm VPNed into another network. My PC craps itself like a scared wombat every time I click the mouse.

--

McLovin - So your saying it's an unadventurous coward?

--

Me - Apparently... But if it keeps it up it's gonna be having an adventure with a screwdriver... Just call me the tickler...

--

McLovin - Saucy

--

Me - Yeah Baby talk techy to me

--

McLovin - Do you have a drive that needs more RAM?

--

Me - Is your name Wi-fi because I'm feeling your connection...

--

McLovin - I hear you need that empty PCI slot filled?

--

Me - I want you to take my cover off and insert a bigger CPU.

--

McLovin - So your saying you want to see my firewire?

--

Me - Sure do you need me to come over and unzip your files?

--

McLovin - Stop your gonna make my software turn into hardware!

--

Me - Sad... I was hoping you wouldn't block my Pop-Ups.

--

McLovin - Well consider yourself blocked I have a meeting and you're spiking my traffic.

--

Me - Sinner...

It's gonna be a loooooooooooong stinky day!

This is an old post I meant to publish when the spud was only a few months old...

Luckily this does not describe what I am dealing with today... No no my friends... Today I have been dealing with blueberry poops. And if you have never experienced blueberry poops then you haven't lived.

=================================================================

Me - Oh look. It's before 9:30 am and I have pee on me. I'm scared because the spud is eating and I keep getting whiffs of fon-dook. There has been no materialization of said dook yet, but I fear it's just a matter of time with all the toot-a-looting... Pray for me.

--

McLovin - Peed on and now he's dooking? Sorry Babe, rough start to the day.

--

Me - No no... Not dooking yet. The threat of dook. I would say I am at code orange... Or should I say, stink level eggy-milk.

--

McLovin -  Ewwwwww

--

Me - And by eggy-milk I don't mean eggnog which is both festive and delightful... but more... Did this milk turn? OH GOD! Don't sniff the container, it smells like the Dairy Queen's butt hole fermented!

--

McLovin -  That's a colorful description.

--

Me - I thought it would help illustrate what type of situation I'm dealing with over here.

--

McLovin -  Oh it did.  

Mermaids

I'm not sure if you have heard about the mockcumentary "Mermaids" that has been aired causing people to believe mermaids actually swim among us and shit but, part II aired last week (??? maybe??? hopefully this is semi current)

I forced  McLovin to watch the first installment but he adamantly refused to watch the second because he was physically angry after the first.

But he very thoughtfully recorded it for me because he knows how much I love watching some crazy.

Below are our texts...

--

me: Dude the Kardashians believe in mermaids after the first documentary. They tweeted about it. This show is Gold!

--

McLovin: Sigh...

--

Me: So Barnum as in *THE* Barnum Circus and Freak Show had a "real mermaid" and the photos are just being released because they were lost all this time... They look JUST LIKE the mermaids from the first show!!!! Can you believe it? I bet you can't believe it. The Plot thickens....

--

McLovin: Ugggg

--

Me: Now they are showing compelling YouTube video evidence from the "YouTubes"... Shit... The evidence has been there the whole time but we were all too blind to see it!

--

McLovin: Sounds like I am missing a mind explosion.

--

Me: It's so compelling... It's so now. It's really making the plight of the mermaids POP.

--

McLovin : .....

--

Me: Jesus Tap-dancing Christ!!!

They reappeared!!! There is NEW video evidence that is about to be revealed for the FIRST TIME EVER!!!! You have to get down here and watch this. Hold onto your butts!

--

McLovin : .....

--

Me: You will not believe this but after these Danish Bastards shared their video of the misunderstood mermaid with the Greenland peeps they halted ALL new oil drilling licenses.

BOOM. Proof...

--

McLovin: I'm sorry I missed all that...

Wait... No, I'm not.

--

Me: The program ended where we began... filled with both questions... And Wonder....

--

McLovin: ..... sigh

==

McLovin obviously is missing the point of the show but it gets better... News stations all over the country AND  even the US Government had to make statements that the show is fake.

I LOVE this shit! I love knowing there are people walking around believing mermaids are real because the show was on the Discovery Channel... And they don't lie you know... They Discover.

Floor Food

Me: I might or might not have just fed the baby floor banana

McLovin: Floor bananas can kill. Google it.

Me: You are crazy.

McLovin: Am I? Am I just imagining the rampant food poisoning cases from "floor food"?

Me: Have I food poisoned you yet with floor food?

McLovin:  Yes Probably...

Me: Cause I've go to be honest... You have eaten more floor food than you know.

McLovin:  Ummmmmm What? What was that?

Me: After the whole cookie incident I thought it would be better not to tell you if something happened to make contact with the floor before being introduced to your mouth. So.... There's that.

McLovin:  I don't really know what to say about this... This whole time I thought we were the normal house on the block... Low and behold we are just as dysfunctional as the rest... even worse actually... You've been trying to poison me with floor dirt and goo and microbial nasties.

Me: Really? Our whole marriage is a lie because I might have fed you food off the floor? I can assure you, if I wanted to poison you I would pick a more tried and true method...

McLovin: ....

Me: Because I get shit done. 

Are You The Keymaster???

Queen B: Dude, do we know what time the world is supposed to be ending on Friday?

Me: Why? Are you freaked out by that?

Queen B: No but I need to have some sex before the World ends just in case.

Me: Oh, well you should bang before Friday morning.

Queen B: OK Thanks.

Me: Somewhere it will be 12/21/12 before us.

Queen B: Right

Me: Who the fuck knows what time zone the Mayans were basing their calendar on.

Queen  B: Yeah true, fucking Mayans.

Me: You think they would throw us a bone and give us a time... and what if they are one day off on their prediction??? It's Thursday afternoon and the world explodes out of the blue?

Queen B: Yeah or Saturday. Friday passes and we all think fucking asshole Mayans... full of shit... everyone is relieved and then FUCK the planet explodes...

Me: Right and we'll all be sitting in line to get judged at the gates going... fucking Mayan assholes... Couldn't even get a date right. Because you know there will be a line to get in... everyone dies at once... it's gonna be a disaster...

Saint Peter is gonna be all... "Sorry this is my lunch break" there will be rioting in limbo...
Do you think that gets held against you???

Queen B: Do I think we really get judged you mean?

Me: No, Saint Peter is up there according to the bible right? Being all judgy judgy about what you did with your life and being Mr. Cool Boy Bouncer to Club God

Queen B: Ok

Me: So he has his little book with all your dirty secrets of what you did on earth...

Queen B: Wait... I always thought God had the book himself...

Me: No dude, Saint Peter is the gate keeper.

Queen B: Is that a Catholic thing? Because I don't remember that.

Me: I thought it was bible thing... It was written so saith the Lord...

“Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on
earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”
-Matthew 16:17-19 (NIV)

^ ^ ^
See
Peter holds the keys to heaven...

Queen B: Geez, all this time I've been praying to the wrong guy...

Me: So anyway... If there is a wait to get in and your already dead, can you screw around while you wait and it won't count against you?

Queen B: I don't think you'll be thinking about screwing up when you're waiting to see if you're going to heaven or hell asshole. I would think you'd try to be on your best behavior. You better be standing there singing Kumbaya on repeat.

Me: True... Well, either way, you should bone down on Wednesday night just to be safe... That is my professional opinion. Kumbaya Motherfucker!

The Elf That Lived...

After only 15 days on duty... Buddy the Elf decided he could take no more...*

Me: Dude... is watching your royal children such a harrowing experience your elf decided to off himself???

Queen B: He is holding on with his hands, asshole!

Me: Well he looks suicidal to me. 

Queen B: You would think that dickhead.

Me: On his first day "Buddy" the Elf was sitting next to a bottle of liqueur... This isn't a G rated elf we are talking about. Next he'll be holding an overcoat open at the window.

Queen B: Or banging Barbie.

Me: True... Do you have Barbies in your house? They better hide! Buddy will be all "Let me dry hump you or the kids don't get Christmas you slutty whore! I'm gonna smack you in the mouth with my candy cane of love!"

Queen B: No we don't.

Me: Oh.... Well, crisis averted then. Christmas is saved!.

*No Elves or Barbies were harmed in the making of this post...