Hey Y'All

I recently came across this photo... Two things...

#1 Is it me or do Paul Deen's shoulders look too small to be supporting her head??? Like a bobble-head.  Bobble-heads are both charming and delightful but human bobble-heads are creepy. I'm scared her neck is gonna snap.

Hey Y'All today we're gonna cook some frog legs in a stick of butter!

#2 Why does Paula Dean remind me of Miss Piggy??? Is it her eyes??? Or is it because I always envisioned Miss Piggy living in the south? Either way it is very odd. It's like God was inspired by Jim Henson when he created Paula. Something about the eyes. Lifeless eyes, like a muppet's eyes.

BONUS THOUGHT
I'm pretty sure Katy Perry & Zooey Deschanel are the same person...

Katy is the naughty yin to Zooey's wholesome yang.

Wiggles

Txts with McLovin...

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Me - Hey.... have you heard about these Wiggles? They have a song where they sing about the days of the week and Thursday is bratwurst day... I'm pretty sure the Wiggles jumped the shark on that one...

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McLovin - You should be embracing that day. It's practically German Day.

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Me - Right but Monday was Muffins. Tuesday was Tacos. and Wednesday was Watermelon. There is a theme. Then they get to Thursday and throw out Bratwurst. How are kids supposed to learn when they are doing shit like that???

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McLovin - If the rest of the days follow the theme and only Thursday stands out then the Wiggles are telling you something... and not very subtlety.

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Me - Well I will keep you posted. Rest assured I am looking into this situation.

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Me - Fish Friday. Saturday is Sultana Day... Whatever the fuck THAT is. And Sunday is Sandwich Day... Bit of a lame finish if you ask me.

So Thursday was the only day that didn't match the food / day starting with the same letter.

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McLovin - You know what that means don't you?

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Me - That the Wiggles are slackers because they couldn't come up with another T food besides Taco Tuesdays.

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McLovin -  Nope, Bratwurst is code for penis... So that probably means you should bang me tonight.

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Me - Wow... I walked right into that one.

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McLovin - Just Sayin...

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PS - Sultana is a grape... I know, I had to look that shit up too. I don't know who is walking around calling green grapes Sultanas but I guarantee they are insufferable know-it-alls. I mean these Wiggles don't even get the days of the week in the right order (Sunday is the FIRST day of the week assholes!) but they want to call a green grape a sultana because that's it's proper "name".

Of course I just looked it up and there seems to be some confusion about the first day of the week. According to the international standard ISO 8601, Monday shall be the first day of the week ending with Sunday as the seventh day of the week.

So there's that... My whole life is lies.
I have to go call my parents now and make sure I wasn't adopted.

The Trouble with Pants

Txts with McLovin...
approx 10:30 this morning.

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McLovin - Soooo my zipper just fell off.

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Me - Your pants zipper?

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McLovin - Yeah... off. I'm flapping in the breeze over here.

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Me - Do you have access to double stick tape? Worse case you could maybe use a stapler, but then you would need to go into the bathroom with a stapler...

 So if you hid it in your pocket people would think you had a huge rod and were going to whack off... but if you just saunter in with the stapler exposed people with think your whacking off to office supplies....

Pop Quiz hot shot... what kind of office pervert do you want to be?

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McLovin - Seriously this is a problem... my rig just failed.

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Me - What was your rig?

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McLovin - No stapler access... My rig was just a random paper clip. I need to find an old used staple to help this rig out.

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Me - OK no stapler... Do you have tape?

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McLovin - No tape either... I've found a paper clip and an old staple. Those are in use but highly unstable.

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Me - Can you reinforce it with the sticky part of a sticky pad?

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McLovin - Are you fucking with me?!?!?

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Me - No! It could work. I have faith in your Macgyver abilities.

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McLovin - Post it stick is terrible. It wouldn't trap a gimp gnat.

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Me - I have seen something similar done with Velcro but I am going to assume you don't have access to that since you can't even be trusted with  a stapler.

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McLovin - Velcro???? Really???? That's your big suggestion.

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Me - I have seen Velcro used with much success. OK... Do you have glue?

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McLovin - Seriously???? I don't work in a fucking art school. I work at a "paperless" company whose office supplies are kept at the front desk with a receptionist.

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Me - Listen, we aren't going to solve this problem with negativity.

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McLovin -At my desk I have... a tack, a pen, a tablet, my PC, my Laptop, a Water, a Coffee, and three hanging Alligator Clips with giant spikes... and before you ask I am not messing with those and my crotch.

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Me - OK that's not much to work with. My best suggestion is for you to walk around with something suspiciously covering your crotch region then go out to "lunch" and hall ass to the nearest Target to buy new pants or a stapler. Your call there... I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life.

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McLovin -After my meeting I'm going to "lunch". Do you know how many times I've had to purchase pants while at lunch??? Twice... That's two times too many.

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Me - Twice including today or twice total???

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McLovin - Plus I have had to replace shoes and socks (twice), a belt (once) and a shirt (once)

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Me - WTF are you doing at work? You work in an office for Christ's sake!

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McLovin - No one should have that many wardrobe changes in the parking lot of a strip mall.

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Me - Not unless your a prostitute... Are you turning tricks on the side?

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McLovin - I'm glad you find this amusing. 

Sesame Street

Me - I found Alphabet Dog and the "bomb" angry bird in a compromising position this morning... Apparently they had quite the x-rated night. Does the corruption of our children know no bounds?

McLovin - Creeps... Tha's why he needs Sesame Street.

Me - Let's hope it's still as pure as our childhood memories when it was still ok for two grown man puppets and their rubber ducky to take a bubble bath together.

McLovin - I thought they killed one of them.

Me - I think that was a myth... That Bert got hit by a school bus to teach of the perils of crossing the road.

... 10 min later ...

Yup, Bert's on the website touting "Argyle Socks are the Greatest" whilst holding up a photo of two pigeons... I forgot he had a thing for pigeons.

McLovin - I forgot that too.

Me - So I guess Bert and Ernie were gay* and Bert is also rocking bestiality with those pigeons. Ernie on the other hand is in love with his rubber ducky. So I guess that's the modern day equivalent to a real doll?

McLovin - For puppets that is indeed a real doll.

Me - I wonder what other messed up shit we missed as innocent youths.

McLovin - Well it appears that The Count has crippling OCD but everyone acts like he is OK because his obsession is incredibly useful on a kids show.

Me - Indeed.

*Official statement from Sesame Street:  Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets™ do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.

You can't make this shit up people.

Really Pampers?

Does anyone notice anything a little off about this box? 

Hail Pampers!*

Perhaps the Pampers Marketing department should rethink this box design?
Way to go Pampers Marketing Team!  

*I know this wasn't intentional but I feel the choice of baby (blond hair blue eyes) and his positioning is a little unfortunate. 

This Is Why Girls Don't Plan Bachelor Parties.

Queen B - OK so listen to this...

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Me - Whats up?

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Queen B - So J is trying to plan B's bachelor party & of course it's gonna involve strippers

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Me - Right... Obviously

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Queen B - He was saying that he wants to go somewhere that serves food & has dancers so that if someone wants to get a lap dance, they can do it at their leisure instead of having girls hawking you for dollars. So I thought of this place right near my work XX. Have you heard of it?

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Me - No dick... I don't hang out in strip clubs.... Ass.

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Queen B - It's a steakhouse/"upscale" gentleman's club but they serve alcohol so the girls can't be nude
just real skimpy so here's my thing... J wants me to find out about the steakhouse b/c I know the owner
but if C finds out that I'm basically hooking them up, she'll probably wanna shank me.

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Me - Why? She knows there will be strippers right? If she freaks be like:

Listen bitch.. the strippers... They're happening... so put your big girl pants on and fucking relax. 

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Queen B - Her stipulations were no hotel room with strippers & no private room at a strip club she said she's ok w/ them going to a strip club.

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Me - Right so they are getting dinner and a show. I mean the worse that could happen would be pubes in their steak sauce, but that shit is on them... I have no sympathy

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Queen B - My thing is, I'm trying to see if you get to see boobies while you eat b/c if not, it'll suck, but how do I ask that?

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Me - Just call and say I want dinner and a show... not a bathing suit show... I would watch the miss america pageant for that shit... Will we see tits or should we keep looking?

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Queen B - Well first off, I know they don't show bare tits b/c they sell alcohol but they can wear thongs.

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Me - Why does alcohol = no bare tits?

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Queen B - It's a law dick.

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Me - Bare Tits = no drinks? Well, that's a shitty law. What is america coming to? I don't want to live in a world where I can't enjoy boobies with my bottle of Bud.

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Queen B - It's seriously a law.

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Me - I thought they just needed to keep their pants on.

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Queen B - No i think tops too.

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Me - If there is beer then there is no beaver... I'm pretty sure about that. But the no beaver rule I can get behind because its just unhygienic to be dancing around with that out. I thought the boobs were always on the table though... even with alcohol.

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Queen B - Maybe they are, who knows.

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Me - Well if they aren't we need to write to our congressmen and get that law changed asap. Boobies make everything better. I'm sure you agree.

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Queen B - True.

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15 minutes later...

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Me - So did you call? What did they say?

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Queen B - I can't. You call for me.

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Me - Why the fuck would I call to check on the naked booby situation for you husbands friends bachelor party? So a bunch of dudes can eat steak and bust a nut!?!? You must have lost your mind......... 

I'll check with McLovin.

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Queen B - What did he say???

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Me - He asked why we were interested...

Then said to check the club's website and called us amateurs.

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Queen B - No Bare Boobs - BAM - McLovin is a genius. That saved time.

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Me - Next time tell J to plan his own shit. We've wasted 45 minutes on this... That's a whole lotta time for me to spend trying to figure out the stripper laws of this state. 

Deep Thoughts: With McLovin

About the Gabby Douglas Hair Controversy:

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When I was 16 all I cared about was video games and jerking off... That Gabby should tell those assholes that her hair has more talent then them and to fuck off.... At 16 she has two gold medals... Do you know what I had at 16??? A bunch of used tissues...

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Yup... McLovin... Keepin it classy.

I can't wait to hear the inspired pep talks he will have for The Spud when he is older...