Are You The Keymaster???

Queen B: Dude, do we know what time the world is supposed to be ending on Friday?

Me: Why? Are you freaked out by that?

Queen B: No but I need to have some sex before the World ends just in case.

Me: Oh, well you should bang before Friday morning.

Queen B: OK Thanks.

Me: Somewhere it will be 12/21/12 before us.

Queen B: Right

Me: Who the fuck knows what time zone the Mayans were basing their calendar on.

Queen  B: Yeah true, fucking Mayans.

Me: You think they would throw us a bone and give us a time... and what if they are one day off on their prediction??? It's Thursday afternoon and the world explodes out of the blue?

Queen B: Yeah or Saturday. Friday passes and we all think fucking asshole Mayans... full of shit... everyone is relieved and then FUCK the planet explodes...

Me: Right and we'll all be sitting in line to get judged at the gates going... fucking Mayan assholes... Couldn't even get a date right. Because you know there will be a line to get in... everyone dies at once... it's gonna be a disaster...

Saint Peter is gonna be all... "Sorry this is my lunch break" there will be rioting in limbo...
Do you think that gets held against you???

Queen B: Do I think we really get judged you mean?

Me: No, Saint Peter is up there according to the bible right? Being all judgy judgy about what you did with your life and being Mr. Cool Boy Bouncer to Club God

Queen B: Ok

Me: So he has his little book with all your dirty secrets of what you did on earth...

Queen B: Wait... I always thought God had the book himself...

Me: No dude, Saint Peter is the gate keeper.

Queen B: Is that a Catholic thing? Because I don't remember that.

Me: I thought it was bible thing... It was written so saith the Lord...

“Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on
earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”
-Matthew 16:17-19 (NIV)

^ ^ ^
See
Peter holds the keys to heaven...

Queen B: Geez, all this time I've been praying to the wrong guy...

Me: So anyway... If there is a wait to get in and your already dead, can you screw around while you wait and it won't count against you?

Queen B: I don't think you'll be thinking about screwing up when you're waiting to see if you're going to heaven or hell asshole. I would think you'd try to be on your best behavior. You better be standing there singing Kumbaya on repeat.

Me: True... Well, either way, you should bone down on Wednesday night just to be safe... That is my professional opinion. Kumbaya Motherfucker!

The Elf That Lived...

After only 15 days on duty... Buddy the Elf decided he could take no more...*

Me: Dude... is watching your royal children such a harrowing experience your elf decided to off himself???

Queen B: He is holding on with his hands, asshole!

Me: Well he looks suicidal to me. 

Queen B: You would think that dickhead.

Me: On his first day "Buddy" the Elf was sitting next to a bottle of liqueur... This isn't a G rated elf we are talking about. Next he'll be holding an overcoat open at the window.

Queen B: Or banging Barbie.

Me: True... Do you have Barbies in your house? They better hide! Buddy will be all "Let me dry hump you or the kids don't get Christmas you slutty whore! I'm gonna smack you in the mouth with my candy cane of love!"

Queen B: No we don't.

Me: Oh.... Well, crisis averted then. Christmas is saved!.

*No Elves or Barbies were harmed in the making of this post...

Eye of the beholder

It's pretty well acknowledged from people who know me that I have terrible taste in men.

And by that I don't mean McLovin... It's a mystery that I ended up with someone as normal looking as him.

Just add 15 years... Be jealous. I get this every night...

I'm talking celebrity men who make my heart go pitterpat. Let's review...

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DAVID BOWIE!!!
The Be all end all celebrity love of my life

Shhhhh... No more words.... Our hearts beat as one...

He is older then my father and for awhile people didn't know if he was a man or woman... gay or straight... All I can say is the Goblin King stole my heart at a very young age and he will remain there... Foreva!

But let's be clear... I'm not a stalker. I don't know his life story. I'm not hanging outside his garbage shoot so I can rub his coffee grounds in my hair. AND judging by his marriage to the beautiful statuesque Somalian model Iman, I am quite sure my barely over 5' whiter than sour cream ass would not be the stuff of fantasy for the Thin White Duke.

So don't worry David. There's no need for alarm. My love is pure and locked away in my heart.

--

Some Runners Up... Or as Mclovin puts it... the freak show... 

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Mick Jagger

Always the joker, Mick decided to dress as an angry growler for Halloween...

It's rumored he slept with David Bowie... (I wouldn't mind being the filling in THAT sandwich...) And Pete Townshend has even gone on record in his autobiography Who Am I that "Mick is the only man I've ever seriously wanted to fuck."... Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera want Moves like Jagger and even will.i.am & JLo know he is T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever) 

I feel we should all just stop fighting what so many people already know... He has laid enough pipe to bring the fireworks in the boom boom room and he has enough stories to blow your mind as well... Win to the mother-fucking Win.

Need more proof??? Observe... Hard like trigonometry indeed... 

--
Jack White

Does this mustache make me look like a kid toucher?

Jack White of the White Stripes, The Raconteurs, The Dead Weather and solo fame. He sings, acts, plays guitar, the drums, the piano, writes songs... If that bucket load of talent doesn't light some fires I don't know what will. Sure he's a little eccentric. And it was rumored that he was boning his sister, who turned out to be his ex-wife... But these things are just part of his charm.



--

The Predator

Looking for someone to probe big boy???

If I had to bone an alien this is my pick...
The Predator is Dead Sexy.
Seriously who do you think has a bigger dong? The Predator or one of those bug-eyed mother fuckers??? I'm an extraterrestrial size queen.

He doesn't pack much in the pants but he'll eye fuck the shit out of you...

--

There are more but I will leave you wondering who else made the list... because I'm a Lady and ladies don't give at all away for free.

Who's on your list?  

Hey Y'All

I recently came across this photo... Two things...

#1 Is it me or do Paul Deen's shoulders look too small to be supporting her head??? Like a bobble-head.  Bobble-heads are both charming and delightful but human bobble-heads are creepy. I'm scared her neck is gonna snap.

Hey Y'All today we're gonna cook some frog legs in a stick of butter!

#2 Why does Paula Dean remind me of Miss Piggy??? Is it her eyes??? Or is it because I always envisioned Miss Piggy living in the south? Either way it is very odd. It's like God was inspired by Jim Henson when he created Paula. Something about the eyes. Lifeless eyes, like a muppet's eyes.

BONUS THOUGHT
I'm pretty sure Katy Perry & Zooey Deschanel are the same person...

Katy is the naughty yin to Zooey's wholesome yang.

Wiggles

Txts with McLovin...

==

Me - Hey.... have you heard about these Wiggles? They have a song where they sing about the days of the week and Thursday is bratwurst day... I'm pretty sure the Wiggles jumped the shark on that one...

==

McLovin - You should be embracing that day. It's practically German Day.

==

Me - Right but Monday was Muffins. Tuesday was Tacos. and Wednesday was Watermelon. There is a theme. Then they get to Thursday and throw out Bratwurst. How are kids supposed to learn when they are doing shit like that???

==

McLovin - If the rest of the days follow the theme and only Thursday stands out then the Wiggles are telling you something... and not very subtlety.

==

Me - Well I will keep you posted. Rest assured I am looking into this situation.

==

Me - Fish Friday. Saturday is Sultana Day... Whatever the fuck THAT is. And Sunday is Sandwich Day... Bit of a lame finish if you ask me.

So Thursday was the only day that didn't match the food / day starting with the same letter.

==

McLovin - You know what that means don't you?

==

Me - That the Wiggles are slackers because they couldn't come up with another T food besides Taco Tuesdays.

==

McLovin -  Nope, Bratwurst is code for penis... So that probably means you should bang me tonight.

==

Me - Wow... I walked right into that one.

==

McLovin - Just Sayin...

==

PS - Sultana is a grape... I know, I had to look that shit up too. I don't know who is walking around calling green grapes Sultanas but I guarantee they are insufferable know-it-alls. I mean these Wiggles don't even get the days of the week in the right order (Sunday is the FIRST day of the week assholes!) but they want to call a green grape a sultana because that's it's proper "name".

Of course I just looked it up and there seems to be some confusion about the first day of the week. According to the international standard ISO 8601, Monday shall be the first day of the week ending with Sunday as the seventh day of the week.

So there's that... My whole life is lies.
I have to go call my parents now and make sure I wasn't adopted.

The Trouble with Pants

Txts with McLovin...
approx 10:30 this morning.

==

McLovin - Soooo my zipper just fell off.

==

Me - Your pants zipper?

==

McLovin - Yeah... off. I'm flapping in the breeze over here.

==

Me - Do you have access to double stick tape? Worse case you could maybe use a stapler, but then you would need to go into the bathroom with a stapler...

 So if you hid it in your pocket people would think you had a huge rod and were going to whack off... but if you just saunter in with the stapler exposed people with think your whacking off to office supplies....

Pop Quiz hot shot... what kind of office pervert do you want to be?

==

McLovin - Seriously this is a problem... my rig just failed.

==

Me - What was your rig?

==

McLovin - No stapler access... My rig was just a random paper clip. I need to find an old used staple to help this rig out.

==

Me - OK no stapler... Do you have tape?

==

McLovin - No tape either... I've found a paper clip and an old staple. Those are in use but highly unstable.

==

Me - Can you reinforce it with the sticky part of a sticky pad?

==

McLovin - Are you fucking with me?!?!?

==

Me - No! It could work. I have faith in your Macgyver abilities.

==

McLovin - Post it stick is terrible. It wouldn't trap a gimp gnat.

==

Me - I have seen something similar done with Velcro but I am going to assume you don't have access to that since you can't even be trusted with  a stapler.

==

McLovin - Velcro???? Really???? That's your big suggestion.

==

Me - I have seen Velcro used with much success. OK... Do you have glue?

==

McLovin - Seriously???? I don't work in a fucking art school. I work at a "paperless" company whose office supplies are kept at the front desk with a receptionist.

==

Me - Listen, we aren't going to solve this problem with negativity.

==

McLovin -At my desk I have... a tack, a pen, a tablet, my PC, my Laptop, a Water, a Coffee, and three hanging Alligator Clips with giant spikes... and before you ask I am not messing with those and my crotch.

==

Me - OK that's not much to work with. My best suggestion is for you to walk around with something suspiciously covering your crotch region then go out to "lunch" and hall ass to the nearest Target to buy new pants or a stapler. Your call there... I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life.

==

McLovin -After my meeting I'm going to "lunch". Do you know how many times I've had to purchase pants while at lunch??? Twice... That's two times too many.

==

Me - Twice including today or twice total???

==

McLovin - Plus I have had to replace shoes and socks (twice), a belt (once) and a shirt (once)

==

Me - WTF are you doing at work? You work in an office for Christ's sake!

==

McLovin - No one should have that many wardrobe changes in the parking lot of a strip mall.

==

Me - Not unless your a prostitute... Are you turning tricks on the side?

==

McLovin - I'm glad you find this amusing. 

Sesame Street

Me - I found Alphabet Dog and the "bomb" angry bird in a compromising position this morning... Apparently they had quite the x-rated night. Does the corruption of our children know no bounds?

McLovin - Creeps... Tha's why he needs Sesame Street.

Me - Let's hope it's still as pure as our childhood memories when it was still ok for two grown man puppets and their rubber ducky to take a bubble bath together.

McLovin - I thought they killed one of them.

Me - I think that was a myth... That Bert got hit by a school bus to teach of the perils of crossing the road.

... 10 min later ...

Yup, Bert's on the website touting "Argyle Socks are the Greatest" whilst holding up a photo of two pigeons... I forgot he had a thing for pigeons.

McLovin - I forgot that too.

Me - So I guess Bert and Ernie were gay* and Bert is also rocking bestiality with those pigeons. Ernie on the other hand is in love with his rubber ducky. So I guess that's the modern day equivalent to a real doll?

McLovin - For puppets that is indeed a real doll.

Me - I wonder what other messed up shit we missed as innocent youths.

McLovin - Well it appears that The Count has crippling OCD but everyone acts like he is OK because his obsession is incredibly useful on a kids show.

Me - Indeed.

*Official statement from Sesame Street:  Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets™ do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.

You can't make this shit up people.