Wednesday, November 9, 2011


So I have an issue with the Disney.

They are fucking with my Aunt knowledge credibility.

Occasionally when I see my niece and nephew I like to feed them a healthy dose of bullshit to keep the whimsy meter up in their imaginations. Kids need whimsy... It is what makes the world go round in their little heads.

That, M&Ms and Ice cream...

I'm pretty sure my niece would gladly shank me for a bowl of chocolate ice cream.... And If M&Ms were on top, my life would be forfeit.... I don't trust the little one, my nephew, much either... He's a sweet kid, but I'm pretty sure his sister has shown him the dark side of the dairy queen and it is not pretty.

Either way, my niece is at the age where she likes the Disney Princesses... Any Princesses really, but everyone knows that the Disney Princesses are the créme de la créme.

The Disney Princesses are like high quality escorts compared to a regular off the street prostitutes...  Pretty much the same thing but one set has all the glamour, sparkle, and fancier accessories.

Probably about a year ago we were coloring together and I noticed she was coloring a Rapunzel picture... NOT Disney Rapunzel... Straight up 9th avenue $200 an hour regular Rapunzel. But she did have her standard Princess crown.

So I asked my niece what she knew about Princess Rapunzel... And she looked at me with big blue eyes and said... "Princess Rapunzel?!? She's not a real Princess."

I dare you to find a bigger opening for tom-foolery and whimsy... Opportunity knocked and I fucking answered that door with glee.

Of course I had to spin a tale about how Princess Rapunzel was ORIGINALLY part of the Disney Princess regime but she was kicked out for bad behavior.

What bad behavior you ask?

She apparently has a weakness for shellfish and she tried to eat Ariel's crab, the one who goes by the name of Sebastian.

Ariel of course found out about this and went to the other Princesses for backup. When you are part of a group you can't just go around eating people's sidekicks because they look delicious. That is bad manners.

So all the Princesses had a vote and they decided that no sidekick would be safe while Princess Rapunzel was part of the group. So they threw her ass out like dirty laundry.

And that is why Rapunzel was not a Disney Princess. She behaved badly and got booted down the ranks and had to become BFFs with Goldilocks. Who is a thieving little whore in case you forgot.

WELL... a few months later wouldn't you know I see a commercial on TV for the next Disney Movie...

Fucking "Tangled".

I mean really you guys? REALLY!

Disney was shitting on my face and all over my credibility! WTF Disney you backstabbing whores! I've seen your movies, I buy your toys for the kids in my life, I have even visited your theme parks!  You couldn't even wait a fucking year before kicking my story to the curb? The seed I had planted hardly had any time to grow.

The next time I saw my Niece she was onto my shenanigans. So I told her that the Princesses had been learning about forgiveness in Bible School and they decided to give Rapunzel and second chance.

I feel that the whole story is kind of weak now and I blame the Mouse House for the lame forgiveness theme ending!

And guess who my darling niece was for Halloween this year? Fucking Princess Rapunzel! It's pretty bad when your own niece sides with Mickey Mouse over you!

Friday, November 4, 2011


txts with McLovin


McLovin: Did you talk to your Mom about this weekend? You don't want to get to their house at 9am if they are running around the house naked.

Me: OMG I'm emailing her now... I do not need to meet the house boy Juan.*

*Juan is my Dad's alter ego at home. He "becomes" Juan whenever he does domestic chores around the house. It is pretty disturbing because I think the House Boy Juan likes to bang the Boss Lady... Who would be my Mom. While it's great that they are still happy and boning in their 60's, I don't need to take part in their fantasies. Whenever I call their house and my Dad answers with a Spanish accent it makes my ears bleed and a part of my soul shrivels up to cry in a corner.

McLovin: hmmm Maybe we need characters to accompany our dirty talk... I know a cat named Eduardo.

Me: Did you just give my lady garden a boys' name?

McLovin: No. Remember Eduardo? The Hurricane of Love.

Me: I remember the Hurricane of Love Eduardo but you said a cat named Eduardo. So I was wondering who that was and weather I was high on Nyquil when I met him.

McLovin: No. He's a cooool cat. A Spanish Hipster.

Me: I see. This is good. It means we are drifting away from our dirty talk involving carnies. I didn't want to dress up like the Yak Woman.

McLovin: I was going to be the pixy dust spreader on the tilt-a-whirl.

Me: You can spread my pixy dust anytime. wink wink

McLovin: So we're back to the carnie games?

Me: Damn It!