Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Holy V

My friend Queen B is the definition of a button pusher.

She will say /ask anything in the effort to get a response. She feeds off embarrassing people and that will only instigate her to keep going... I have found the best way to shut her down is to lead the discussion to the ridiculous until she gets frustrated and gives up...



Queen B - So did u have wild sex this weekend?

Me - Nope, we decided to have mediocre sex... See how the other half lives. 

Queen B -
 Does McLovin ever cry during sex?

Me - Yeah all the time, because sex with me is like a fucking holy experience... He has found God and he resides in my Lady Garden... so spread the word.

Queen B - No dick, does he ever get emotional because you're the mother of his child.

Me - I just told you sexing me is a holy experience... it's fucking divinity personified... My tits can blind the unfaithful.

Queen B - No.

Me - It's true.

Queen B - That's not what I'm talking about.

Me - You better not come around me when I'm topless cause it sounds like you're a non believer, you dirty sinner. I'll melt your face like the Ark in that Indiana Jones movie.

Queen B - Your an asshole. 

Me - Well you have been warned. I can smite you with the wrath of a thousand sun's just by uncrossing my legs. 

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

People Zoo

Me - Do you ever think about what would happen to us if Aliens took over the planet?

McLovin - Yeah... We would be toast.

Me - No, like if they decided to keep us like pets. To study us. I wonder what that would be like. What would they put in our environment.

McLovin - Why would they keep us? We're assholes.

Me - Well Hippos are assholes too and we keep them in zoos.

McLovin - True.

Me - So would they give us a whole house to roam around in or just one room?

McLovin - Probably one room.

Me - And they would probably try breading us in captivity like we do now with zoo animals. But what if they split us up!?!?! Aliens don't care if your married.

McLovin - Looks like I'm getting some strange.

Me - Really? You would just go for it?

McLovin - Well they split us up? I don't know if I will ever see you again. How long do you expect me to carry a torch for you?

Me - Wow... So that's it then. If aliens invade and put you in a pen with some whore your gonna dive right in?

McLovin - Well, to be fair I would probably wait till they brought in the Panda Porn.

Me - Wait what?

McLovin - You know... Cause sometimes the Pandas have trouble doing it in captivity... So they show them Panda Porn to put them in the mood. Only I would want People Porn... Panda Porn would just be weird. I would hold out for the people porn.

Me - Yes, well you have to draw the line somewhere I suppose.