Monday, April 30, 2012

How You Know It's Time To Think About Moving...

When your neighbor backs their SUV into your parked car, then comes barreling out of the drivers side and  screams at you, calling you a Cunt...


That right there...

Probably means it's time to think about moving.

I hope you had a better weekend than me :)

At least I have that life hurdle out of the way... There's really no where to go but up once you have been proclaimed a C You Next Tuesday. So I have THAT going for me. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Continued Saga of Wildlife, Drug Abuse and Infertility

Have you heard about these assholes?

Sure he might look cute and cuddly but that my friends is the face of a drug addict. Pretty much koala bears just sit around eating eucalyptus and having black out sex. I am not kidding.

Wildlife Black Out Sex.

I know what you're thinking... That doesn't sound so bad. It sounds kind of delightful. Who doesn't want to  get mellow and then wake up in a strange bed with mirrors on the ceiling, your panties on your head and unicorn spunk on the walls? In fact, that sounds like a pretty eventful afternoon.

Except you can't remember any of it.

Because you were high on eucalyptus.

And that cuddly koala left you with a little present.


Ummmm no... this is an infertility blog remember.

Something much more sinister... Like Chlamydia.


Koala's have Chlamydia and now their entire population is in danger of becoming extinct because Chlamydia causes infertility.

So next time you're at the zoo and you see a cute koala on the corner and he hands you a baggy of crushed up leaves and tells you the first hit is free kick him in his furry nut sack and tell him you don't want to board his magical sex express even if it does include unicorns in thongs!

Just remember. If we all band together we can give infertility the middle finger. It will get us down but it won't beat us. We will never give up hope and we will never surrender!

So fuck you infertility and your little henchmen the koala bear! We're on to your games. And we aren't gonna take it!

We Are The Champions Motherfucker!
RIP - Freddy Mercury who died of AIDS...probably from a koala... because they are assholes like that.

PS - I'm posting this to my facebook because I battled infertility and came out on top. But it works even if you are still in the trenches because we are all champions and Mother Nature can go fuck herself!

Monday, April 23, 2012


I have discovered that birds are awake and chirping at 2 am. 

WTF birds! It's not even close to sunrise.

Do you think birds get high and hallucinate that the moon is really the sun and then they're all, "Holy shit I overslept!" So they start chirping to play it off like they are totally cool and not high at all?

But then the older birds wake up and realize it's 2am and the fucking Mocking Jay is tripping balls again.

So they decide the neighborhood is obviously going to shit and they make a mental note to migrate somewhere different next year. Since Mocking Jays chirping at 2am obviously can't be trusted.

I can't be sure, but that is what I imagine is happening right now.

PS. - McLovin informed me that a Mocking Jay isn't a real bird. Apparently it is a fictional bird from the Hunger Games books. Which I have not had a chance to read yet.

Either way the type of bird wasn't really the issue. The issue is that the war on drugs has now reached the wildlife population and they are having a rave outside our bedroom window at 2am complete with glow sticks.

PPS - McLovin remains unimpressed with this news.

Friday, April 20, 2012


It's no secret what I'll be doing this weekend!

Mmmmmmmmmmm Beefy! It's time to eat!

Enjoy your weekend!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012



I hate when men talk about child birth as if they know anything about it and it is no big deal.


Rant Over...



A girl in my office just gave birth and txted a photo (of the baby not her destroyed vagina)... In the txt she said she had no time for an epidural. Which made me cringe and squeeze my legs shut...

My bosses response, who is a man obviously:
"Well no big deal, that happens all the time.  It's healthier for the baby anyway."

Oh really?


Here's an idea... How about if I rip off your balls and use them for a game of hacky sack... What's the big deal? You're done having kids right?

Fucking Asshat.

Ok rant is done for real this time.

Monday, April 16, 2012


So quick back story. Every few weeks I will wake up in the middle of the night to an itchy eye that has literally swollen shut. Just the one eye... never both. Always the same eye. Oddly this also happens to my oldest SIL and it started happening to both of us at around the same time.

Email - From me to C

I don't mean to alarm you but I had another eye flare up this morning... I did some research and it might be eye herpes. I shit you not this thing exists.

So three questions

1. When was your first episode of the eye swelling?

2. Have you had any luck finding out what it is?

3. Did our eye's get together for unprotected sex?

Seriously dude... WTF.


 Email - From C to me

Sadly this made me laugh out loud.
First incident was last July.
My hairdresser also had. Maybe it was a threesome.
Why wouldn't our doctors tell us about this?


Email - From me to C

Apparently our eyeballs are tramps.


This gives eye-fucking a whole new meaning.

Friday, April 13, 2012


Do you know what you can do with a Dustbuster??? Vacuum out the toaster oven...

Your panties can drop any time now.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Once I found out I was pregnant (finally for the love of God!) a good friend of mine started OBSESSING about names. I remember when she had her kids it was the same thing... and some of the choices were just awful... but I would agree anything was cute. It was easier then arguing and really they weren't my kids... so what did it matter if I loved the name or not.

And the problem is.. people ALWAYS have an opinion. And you know what... What I or someone else names their kids isn't really anyone else's business. I haven't always loved other people's choices... but the name grows on you and then you can't imagine the child with any other name.  No Offense but I worked HARD for this baby... so I have earned the right to name it whatever we want without listening to the bank tellers opinion. Unless your these people... Then ok, maybe your child name decision making abilities should be questioned. 

This is why it is absolutely necessary to find ridiculous names early... Or come up with bizarre reasoning behind your naming process. People will get so disgusted that they will stop trying to give you there two sense.
Here is a typical convo about... names:
Queen B: What names have you picked?

Me:     We haven't really gotten serious about the names.

Queen  B:      I could punch you in your head.  You have been dying to get pregnant, and now you are and you aren't into names yet??? WTF.

Me:     Cause why get all excited about a girl name and find out your having a boy. It's a total waste of energy.

Queen  B: So, does McLovin still like Lorelei?

Me:     Yeah, I mean I don't think that it's the #1 girl choice but, he doesn't hate it like some people...

Queen  B: How about  Alyssa it means noble/truth.

Me:      It's cute except McLovin used to wank it to Alyssa Milano... and that shit is just weird. You can't name your kid after someone in your spank bank.

Queen  B: What about Brynn? It means Fiery Hill, Sword Blade.

Me: Yes we want "her" to have a name that means... I have a vagina but if you fuck with me I will rip your face off with my mother-fucking sword skills. Good choice.

Queen  B:    Dude no one really cares about the meaning.

Me: Well that's good since your daughter's name means Boomerang.

Queen  B: Yeah and my name is Dutch for an alcoholic beverage.

Me: No, it's Dutch for the only reason your Dad was able to touch your mothers naughty bits. haha.

Queen  B: Fuck Off! DUDE... Lorelei. The name of the river goddess who lured sailors to their deaths... such a nice name.

Me: If it is a girl... I want her to have a name that says... "Hi... I am a girl... but I will fuck your shit up." I feel like watery death goddess says that... It says it in spades.

Queen  B: I don't know why I even try to help you.



And for the curious the she is a he so really this whole conversation was pointless.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Sorry I have been MIA... But never fear I am back and hopefully if you aren't mad at me for flaking out. I will post a real post tomorrow. But to hold you over for now: