Myrtle the Infertile and other stories!
Being infertile sucks and without humor I wouldn't have made it this far. I am hoping this site will help bring a smile to others who are lost in the sea of infertility.
I just saw this onJosey's Blog, and I thought it looked like fun!
A. Age when you started TTC: 28 (almost 29)
B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Play time, mess around, Bone Down, get frisky, "Your under arrest"... We like to keep it interesting.
C. Children wanted: 2 but who knows how many we will actually have. I would love just to have 1 at this point. Or I would take multiples.... Beggars can't be choosers.
D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Sir Stinks-a-lot, dog... who thinks he is a cheetah/mountain goat mix with a Napoleon complex.
E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Only on pre-natals.
F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken:Clomid & Crinone.
G. Gain: No idea... we don't own a scale in our house.
H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): All clear supposedly... But Gus is in there somewhere, I just know it.
I. Infertile Pet Peeves: When people with kids tell me how lucky I am to not have them.
J. Job title: Computer Guru and Dairy Maid
K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: nope... I'm more worried about coming up with ridiculous names to tell people when we finally get pregnant. Maybe Gumpert or Boomer... idk I haven't decided yet.
L. Length of time TTC: 16 Months
M. Miscarriages: None.... This question scares me... like I'm double dog daring Mother Nature.
N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: A lot. And not by choice... insurance/doctors leaving... I'm on Doctor number 5... 6 if you count my RE... and it has been a mix of men and women... Black/White/Asian/Latino... Whatever... I'm an equal opportunity patient. If you have answers, I have a vagina.
O. Ovarian quality: Technically they are fine... But I think they are lazy bra-burning feminists who hate sperm.... But I might just be paranoid.
P. POAS or wait for AF:I only POAS one time... in the whole 16 months... This probably makes me a pessimist... or a realist... whatever :)
Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: I have two. #1 Your uterus is probably full of cobwebs by now... and #2 You need the sperm to go into your vagina.... (This was said to me by a Husband/Wife team... not on the same occasion... but who knew we were struggling with infertility.)
S. Sperm: Ready to Party.
T. Time you tried naturally: 15 months until we went to the RE... Making the first RE appointment felt like admitting defeat... But now that I am going I am so glad I did because I LOVE my RE.
U. Uterus quality: Excellent... supposedly...
V. Vagina: It's a sideshow that I am paying doctors to go see. I will pay good money to whoever can crack its fertility code.
W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Two shirts... Jimmie Hendrix and Pink Floyd... I was afraid I would never find them again if I waited until I got a BFP.
X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?Well since I blog about it... I guess cyberspace... but personally a few friends and one SIL who also struggled with infertility.
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yup... why not. Every other doc in town gets to see my Who-Ha why not my regular Gyno too.
Z. Zits: YES... after I went off the pill I had the WORST acne of my life for 8+ months.... But after LOTS of research I have gotten it under control.
So now you’ve read mine. What are your IF A to Zs?
Next week April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week... and as a grand finale on April 30th I will be going to a baby shower... Obviously.
Because that's how I roll.
So in preparation... let's recap my last fun baby shower.
Baby showers are the bane of my existence. (Well, baby showers and people who can eat carrots.) I used to think baby showers were fun. Oh silly silly naive girl that I was. Who wouldn't enjoy mixing and mingling whilst sipping mimosas' and playing stupidbaby games like "guess how big the bump is" and "what's in my mouth?" (baby food addition of course.)
First... I got the invite... which is really awesome since I was trying to get pregnant when I found out they were pregnant. I view the invite as fun friendly little reminder of just how long I have been trying since I am being invited to the baby shower (of a baby who is almost here) while still being an empty shell of a fertility goddess. Basically this women has managed to GROW an entire human being in the amount of time that I have grown... an empty void.
Second... to buy the gift. Since I am trying to avoid all things baby I decided to skip babies-r-us... I feel that it would be just too much to go in that store while being fertilely challenged. Instead I opted for Target... I quickly got a few things off the "wish list" and got out with only running into a few pregnant women cooing over the teeny tiny baby clothes. I thought of just going the gift card route but I feel that would have been a cop out and it's not her fault I am at war with Mother Nature.
Third... On the day of the baby shower I wake up and realize... YAY... I just got my period. Naturally the Karma Police have joined Mother Nature in this war against me. Make a mental note to somehow pay Mother Nature and the Karma Police back.
Fourth... Try to pull myself together and give myself a pep talk while driving to baby shower were I will know only the mother-to-be and no one else. I feel that this will drastically cut down the chances for awkward conversations about the black hole. (fun new name for my uterus since it decided to get its period that day.)
Fifth... Walk into baby shower... Hug Mother-to-be while avoiding looking directly at the baby bump. They have mimosas' (naturally) and I have a brief minute of self debate (alcohol hurts your chances of conceiving... fuck it I'm on my period.) Poor myself a large mimosa and try to blend into the background and wait this thing out until the presents are over and I can scoot.
Sixth... plan goes horribly awry....
I get introduced the Mother-to-be's out of town family. Not so bad... until they start with the questions.
Q. Are you Married...
Q. Do you have any children?
Q. How long have you been married? ...
A. About 5 years....
Q. Oh well, don't you think it will be time to have children soon?...
A. maybe.... We're just enjoying our time together.
Q. Well don't you want children?
A. Sure one day....
Q. I bet your parents would love to be grandparents...
A. Probably. My Mom would be thrilled....
Q. So, if you don't mind my asking, what's stopping you from having children?....
A. You know what? I think I need another drink... Do you need anything?
And... as if that wasn't bad enough I went right from the interrogation brigade to the Mommy and me play area... where ALLthe Mom's were laughing and playing with their adorable little babies... "Oh how long has Tyler been walking?" "Walter just started on regular food." "You're so lucky Madison won't sleep through the night." "Mine is due the week after Courtney"...
Needless to say I left after the shower presents and skipped the co-ed BBQ. My head was pounding, I felt empty and I just wanted to go home assume the fetal position and wave my white flag.
I am hoping This Baby Shower next week will go better. I will know both the Mother-To-Be and one other person. So that's a plus. AND as a bonus this other person actually knows about the struggles with infertility I have been having. Double plus.
Unfortunately, I feel that the actual magnitude of the struggle of infertility is completely bypassing my friend since she asked me to help her plan and organize the baby shower games.... Epic fail.
Sooooooooo I feel that I have a 50 - 50 chance of leaving with my sanity.
So this weekend I found myself out buying tampons which I haven't done in a really long time.
Early on in our baby making I blamed tampons for our lack of pregnancy. I saw an article that said tampons are evil and can cause infertility. So I immediately swore them off as tools of the devil. (Obviously the logical response)
Since failing to conceive I have had a TON of tests run on my girly bits. Every test came back normal. Which means that when we went to the RE our official diagnosis was "Unexplained Infertility."
In my opinion that is the most annoying diagnosis there is... Probably because this is what I was diagnosed with. But when everything is there AND everything is in working order yet nothing is happening I just think to myself... really? Do I have some problem not know to man? Perhaps all the times my Dad claimed to be an alien he was really telling the truth. Everyone knows that cross species procreation is a breeding no no.
My RE has no idea what is wrong with me, his best guess was a hormone imbalance, and therefore he is just treating me and hoping that something works out. So one of the magical things I get to do this month is a progesterone suppository.
No problem right?
Ummmm yeah... that was until I googled Crinone. Apparently the none progesterone part of the cream builds up in your hoo-ha as little balls of glory. If you don't clean yourself out you can get packed full of them. Also, they can range in color from white to salmon pink... It's almost Easter so at least the colors are festive. It's like tiny pastel colored Easter eggs are hiding up there.
Holy shit you guys.... do you think I'm a minion of the Easter Bunny? I swear to Christ if I have to hop around hiding balls of ick that came out of my Va-JJ so children can rejoice in the wonder of the holiday I will be pissed! I'm already a Computer Guru/Dairy Maid... I refuse to add Bunny's little helper to the list.
Anyway... I found myself in a weird predicament.... I needed a bottle brush for my vagina.
As usual I came up with a few options because I am a list maker.
1. My Finger:
Honestly I just didn't feel like fingering myself every morning... It sounds exhausting and I would insist on a happy ending every time. If I can't be a giver to myself what kind of world would I be living in.
2. Actual Bottle Brush:
I went to a kitchen store and they all felt kind of ouchy.... NEXT
I know... Fucking brilliant right. They are already built for going up there and they have the handy little ejection string. Plus the absorbent quality of the tampon sticks to those buggers like a magnet. It's like they were built for Easter egg removal!
Let me tell you what... It works like a charm too. Seriously people I don't think I have ever been fresher up there. A little scub-a-dub with the tampon and I am ready to go.
There is also something very satisfying about seeing all the Easter eggs come out too. It's like when you pop a zit, even though you're not supposed to, and all the bad stuff squirts out. If you're lucky enough to hit the mirror it's like you won a jackpot of destruction and glory! When that happens I know it's gonna be a good news day.
So if you ever find yourself getting prescribed with a suppository, pick up a box of tampons. Nothing will keep you fresher!
So I would say I have a pretty normal life. I have a job where I work long hours with a crazy schedule but it's for a small company and my boss is pretty great. (except he might be a serial killer... but that's a different story.) My job also includes travel once a week minimum to work directly with a client. No problem... it's a typical office building. Basically, my working conditions have always been pretty normal... Dare I say it?
Until I starting trying to have a baby.... That's when shit got weird.
First, my co-worker got pregnant... accidentally of course. (Is there any other way? Irony you are a cruel cruel mistress) THAT wasn't so bad... We had just started "trying" and I thought maybe I would have a pregnancy buddy. (HA!) As time wore on and I realized things weren't working for me the way they should it was slightly annoying but I could deal with it.
One thing I loved/now hate about my Boss is that he thinks children are a number one priority in a Mother's life. So once my co-worker came back to work... the baby came to the office with her. And since we have an open floor plan in the office... That means the baby is within sight and hearing distance at all times. So although the baby is adorable and although I know my co-worker isn't doing this on purpose, it makes some days pretty difficult to get through. (Especially when Aunt Flow comes to town. Generally I try to keep my eye on the prize... one day I too will be able to save in daycare. I can't have to endure all this for a big fat goose egg right?)
So for the past 6 months most days at work I get to work in close proximity to the goal. My one day a week client visit offered an escape... Until yesterday.
A woman, Kelly, in that office recently gave birth. She just started back at work on Monday. (And since she isn't a manager she works in an open cube.)For some office political reason, I have an office space with a door when I work there... I have no idea why and to say that this has made me unpopular with the cubists (aka The Cankle Crew) would be an understatement.
Well, yesterday I come back to my "office" after a meeting and find a note on the door... "Room is in use... should be done by 11:30am"... The woman in the office next door offered to let me sit in her office until Kelly was done. As soon as my butt hit her chair she starts asking me when I am going to have kids. How great kids are, and how I don't want to waste my good baby making years. At around this point I just want to start beating my head against her wall but that wouldn't go over well with office politics and I don't want to lose the account for my boss over my pathetic uterus.
I seriously contemplated saying... "Well Lynn, those are very good questions. I am currently struggling with infertility. In fact, I popped some fertility pills when I got into work this morning. Why don't you continue on this line of questioning until my hormonal rage kicks in and you can spend a few weeks on medical leave? That would be a win win for both of us."
Luckily when Kelly was done she promptly popped in to tell me that my office was free and that she successfully pumped 3oz of milk and that she would need the room again at 3pm. (awesome)
I know breast pumping is a normal thing that has to happen. I get it. And none of these people know that I am currently battling infertility. But the shit storm of "in your face baby" that is parading through my office space is starting to get out of hand.
Pregnant people at work?Fine.
Kids in the office when they are off from school? OK.
Baby pictures ALL over facebook/your desk/your phone? Sure.
Baby drooling on my sticky notes? Annoying but ok, whatever, I'll get new ones.
My office being used as a Dairy? Really??? Really? Is this really what my life has become?
Honestly I feel like I have stumbled upon a new circle of hell. The only thing worse that I could imagine would be working at a day care, or maternity ward or something similar whilst battling infertility.
So now this is my work life... Computer Guru and Dairy Maid.