BILLYGOATS

I'm pretty convinced that my uterus is in my body inside out and backwards, and there might be a Billy Goat named Gus living in there.   

The only sure fire way to find out what kind of dysfunctional uterus one has is to go and get an ultrsound.... along with a trans-ultrasound. Sounds like fun huh?

The ultrasound is pretty basic. It's a technique used to visualize muscles, tendons, and many internal organs, to capture their size, structure and any pathological lesions with real time topographic images. The worst part about the test is your bladder has to be full and then the sadist technician pushes on it with the imager and takes pictures of your insides from the outside.

The Transvaginal ultrasound is a type of pelvic ultrasound. It is used to look at a woman's reproductive organs, including the uterus, ovaries, cervix, and vagina. Transvaginal means across or through the vagina. The fun part about this one is you get to have an empty bladder... YAY... but then they shove a wand with a camera on it up your cooter... ummmm yay?...

(side note... I was humming The Vapors 'Turning Japanese' the whole time because the song says "I want a doctor to take your picture So I can look at you from inside as well"... It's a pretty catchy song. I bet your humming it to yourself right now. Your welcome.)

(side side note: Did you know this song is about masturbation? Seriously... that's what they mean when they say "I think I'm turning Japanese"... Of course on a VH1 special The Vapors said the song was a love song about someone who lost their girlfriend and was going slowly crazy. I'm not buying it though... You know they just got older and didn't want to be known for writing a *masturbation song*. Perverts)

Anyway I transgress....

Now I know that even if I got pregnant I would have to go through with these tests... But the fact of the matter is your naked from the waist down and my Technician could have won a staring contest against Hitler.

I'm not saying I need to be wined and dined... but would a smile and introduction be too much? I just told you I'm fertilely challenged and that's why your taking pics of my pathetically empty uterus... Could I get a pep talk? Anything? Nothing? No? OK well image away.

The first test wasn't so bad... I wasn't depants yet and besides holding my bladder so I didn't wee-wee all over the table it went pretty smoothly. Miss Atilla-the-hun took about a zillion pics and sent me on my way to the bathroom.

The next test was more interesting.... first I took my pants off and got on the table to wait for the technician to come back. (kind of like the beginning of a porno but really not as much fun. Bow chicka wah waaaaaaaaah) When she came back she had a wand in her hand the length of my hand/forearm... hmmmmm....

shits about to get real personal.

Next she proceeded to roll a condom onto the wand...

Nice to know I'm about to have protected sex and I am now fully safe from contracting an STD from the dick-wand.

Miss Atilla-the-hun then lubed the dick-wand with an excessive amount of lube... I supposed I should be grateful, this shows she was at least trying to avoid unnecessary chafing with the dick-wand.

 Then she handed me the wand and told me to "stick it in". And can I note here that still there wasn't even a hint of a smile... really???.... really...am I the only one with the mind of a 12 year old boy?

Now... I had no idea how far "in" the dick-wand needed to go... and I didn't want to appear to lust after the dick-wand... So I just sort of casually slid it in about a centimeter and said "ok now what?"

Miss Atilla-the-hun technician was not amused.

Miss Atilla-the-hun - "Farther"

me... a few more centimeters "ok how about now?"

Miss Atilla-the-hun - "Farther"

me... a few more centimeters and feeling creeped out...."?"

Miss Atilla-the-hun - "Just keep pushing and I'll tell you when to stop..."

me..."alrighty"

Miss Atilla-the-hun - "farther... farther.... farther...."

At this point I must have given her a pleading look cause she took pity on me.

Miss Atilla-the-hun - "farther... sigh ok I guess that's good."

Miss Atilla-the-hun then proceeded to swivel dick-wand around in my poonan taking a ton of up-close-and-personal pics of my insides... She never said a word... and the more pics she took the more nervous I got... I mean What is there to take that many pics of? And then it occurred to me...

OMG... do you see Gus? Is he in there? If he is in there can you signal to him to move the fuck along so I can have a human baby instead of a Billy Goat living in my uterus? Damn it... I knew I shouldn't have made a donation to PETA... Now fucking Billy Goats think Uteruses are safe havens from Trolls....  

After about 5 minutes of Miss Atilla-the-hun acting like the uterus paparazzi she abruptly removed dick-wand... Apparently happy endings are not part of the Transvaginal ultrasound package. She then informed me that someone would call me with my results.

So then I was left waiting for the doc to call me and tell me the bad news... that I will never have children because instead there is an asshole goat using my uterus as his own personal fort.

PS - For those that are wondering... everything looked clear... But everyone knows Billy Goats are crafty. So I still suspect Gus is in there.

PPS - Also, I feel that the whole transvaginal experience would be enhanced if the dick-wand vibrated. Someone needs to work on that.