Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Catherine de Medici • Devil Worshiper & Infertile

Thank god it's the year 2011 and not the 16th century.

In historical times not producing a child (weather it was the women or man's fault) could result in the man legally putting his wife aside. Legally my husband could get rid of me as "bad stock" and moved on to younger and more fertile pastures.

Probably one of the most famous infertile women in history was Catherine de Medici. She married Henry II and failed to produce children for over a decade. Since this was during a time when producing a child was a women's soul duty I doubt her "career"* was getting in the way. If 1 year equals infertility now I think 10 years would more than qualify her back then.

(*Someone actually suggested this was the reason McLovin and I have failed to produce children. Apparently my career is the problem... not my uterus.**

**Also, this person doesn't know we are even trying... They just warned me to not let my "career" get in the way. And I shit you not air quotes were used when they said "career"... As if the place I spend 10 hours a day is a fun little hobby.)

It's rumored that she tried all sorts of wacky shit to get pregnant too. Kind of like what infertiles do today when we drink random tea, eat pineapple core or take swigs of Robitussin to try and get healthy cervical mucus... The difference is Catherine was hard core... she put the capital X in Xtreem conception.

According to sources, Catherine de Medici used tarot cards, charms and alchemy to try and get pregnant. She also got the nasty reputation for being a devil worshiper.

1.  They say she drank the urine of pregnant animals. (ummmm ewwwww, but at least its sterile?)

2. She consumed powdered sexual organs of some animals (!?!?!? How pissed would you be if you were a particularly well hung horse and someone came along a lobbed off your member in order to powder it so some Queen could get prego? Plus, it kind of scares me that there was even a market for this type of thing.)

3. Or to switch it up she tried the blood of a hare and the left hind paw of a weasel mixed with vinegar. (I'm sure the Vinegar really helped add a nice balance to the remedy. Nothing cuts through some good ol fashioned weasel and hare blood like a splash of vinegar.)

And my favorite cure: She also supposedly drank a mixture of unicorn horn and ivory in water. (You hear that? Bitch killed some unicorns!)

In the end Catherine was successful and had 10 children.

(I bet some of you are looking at that list again huh... I mean if you hold your nose how bad could pregnant cow pee taste? Am I right?

Also, everyone knows unicorns taste like marshmallows and sunshine. I say we kill one and eat the whole thing. How many burgers do you think we could get out of one unicorn? And since mythological creatures don't really count as meat this is a vegan option too! Some one fire up the grill! )

These days instead of seeing magicians we go see the Reproductive Endocrinologist so we can choke down some pills, stab ourselves with needles, and display our ying-yang for the world to see. Hopefully we will all be as successful as Catherine de Medici. If not

I'm going unicorn hunting!

***UPDATE:*** I just saw the video for Ke$ha's "Blow" (don't judge me! I assailed my ear holes for the greater good!) and I found the MOTHER LOAD of unicorns... seriously you guys.... we need to set up a sting operation to find her evil lair and get our hand on these unicorns! Also, (spoiler alert) I'm not eating the one that kissed Ke$ha... I know her whole "dirty" thing is probably an act but I'm not taking any chances with tainted magical goodness! LET'S DO THIS!  


  1. Save some unicorn horn for me once you find it!

  2. Holy shit I am laughing so hard right now, there are tears running down my face. I had to have my husband read so he could have a good laugh too. If you need help unicorn hunting let me know!

  3. I'm up for some unicorn, I'll even eat the hooves, just make me up some yummy jello!!!

    What wacky cures!!! It makes you think what people in the future will think when they look back at all of the things we do now!!!!

  4. Love it! Thanks for making me smile today!

  5. This is an awesome post! Unicorns eh?

  6. OMG, your are so funny! This has to be my favorite post of the day!! Thanks for sharing smiles with me!!

  7. Personally, I would never drink urine.

    Injecting FSH distilled from nun's urine, now that I have done. Lots.

  8. bahahaha...that was great!! Count me in for the unicorn hunting :)

  9. Everyone knows that unicorns fart rainbows. Bahahaha this post had me laughing on the couch! :D

  10. Perhaps your career is stopping you from having 24/7 sex? Of couse, the fact that McLovin's career would stop him from being home for the 24/7 sex could be a problem. Next time, tell the person that you think the nooners are keeping your stress levels nice and low.