Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Obviously making a baby isn't going so well... I keep pouring over websites and forums looking for that magic formula that will equal a baby. And I have happened upon a very weird discovery...

First off... lube is bad for sperm. (relax, that's not the weird part) Apparently, there is a huge group of people out there using kitchen ingredients as sperm friendly lube. Specifically raw egg whites and canola oil.

I'll give you a minute to digest that info...

Raw egg whites and canola oil.... as lube... meaning putting it inside your vagina (!?!?!?!?!?!)

Now maybe I'm just really conservative, but something doesn't sound right about putting ingredients to my favorite Sunday morning breakfast up my hey-nanu-nanu in order to lube up for a hot beef injection. It just seems wrong to me... And worse it has put me off my favorite Sunday morning breakfast. And a girls gotta eat. (it's not like I'm doing anything else useful, like growing a baby.)

So after happening upon this discovery I have been pondering what would possess someone to stuff some culinary goodness up their cooter. This is probably not what Tom Colicchio has in mind when he talks about respect for raw ingredients. Or maybe it is... he does have a couple of kids. hmmmmmm.... In fact... according to AOL his wife just popped out baby number 3. (the bitch!)

Canola Oil
Let's start with the lesser of the two weird lubes... canola oil.

I suppose this isn't a huge leap from regular lube. I have quite a few guy friends and they always seemed to have a little too much fondness for the kitchen oil section at the grocery store. Apparently, a little Pure Wesson on a lonely night is quite the cure for the blues.

The leap from personal pleasure to fertility treatment probably happened in the kitchen. You know how frisky some guys get after a good meal and who wants to run upstairs for the Astroglide when the good old fashioned cooking oil is right there. Wham Bam thank you Mam and 9 mths later the baby arrives. (if you live in a fairy tale.)

Plus, Canola oil is a hell of a lot cheaper than those store bought lubes. So this might also have come about with people too cheap to buy the real stuff.  You can buy 48 oz of store brand Canola Oil for the bargain price of $2.99 where as a 5 oz tube of Astroglide will run you about $12.00.... So for those of you on a budget Canola Oil is purely economical.

Egg Whites
This one is a lot harder for me to rationalize.... Egg whites. 

When I look at raw egg whites I don't get all hot and bothered and my panties don't drop. In fact the process of even getting the egg whites is sort of f*cked up... think about it.

Your taking an unborn chicken fetus, cracking the shell, separating the part that would have been a baby chick (The yellow) from the part that would provide protection and some nourishment (the whites)... So while you're not shoving unborn baby chicken fetus inside you.... you're a little too close for comfort.

Apparently the first thing you do is allow the egg whites to come to room temp. Which makes sense... Hello shrinkage! Plus... putting something cold in your playground can't be good for sexy time.

Once they are room temp you have to get them in there... Which seems like a logistical nightmare to me but I have come up with a few options. (Cause that's the kind of girl I am... your welcome)

1. You could stand on your head and have your guy pour them in. (which would involve you telling him that he is about to bone both you and a chicken fetus... but if he's into bestiality maybe this would be a turn-on?)

You could use a handy turkey baster.  (The Turkey Baster... uni-tasker no more! Take THAT Alton Brown!)

3. Or do you just go at it in the shower so you can rub it all over everything and boink like bunnies. (This has the "easy cleanup" bonus... BUT I feel like good "conceiving" positions are limited in the shower... McLovin and I literally almost killed each other trying to get fancy during shower time... Kama Sutra Bingo was NOT meant for the shower.)

Now there are LOTS of people who have tried this and swear it works... But I think I'll pass. I would not be able to relax. (#1 recommendation for getting prego in case you live under a rock) I think the words salmonella or animal cruelty would be flashing through my mind. Plus, I'm pretty sure I would never look at eggs the same way again.

*Pre-Seed is the store bought FDA approved magical lubricant of the conception Gods... If you look at the reviews it practically impregnates you without a sperm donation... So fear not ladies and get ready for some "Seriously Fun Baby-Making" (This must be the slogan because it is in quotes all over the website... it makes baby making seriously fun you guys!) 


  1. Coconut oil is the new canola oil ;). I had no luck with preseed, but it doesn't hurt to try!

  2. egg whites- really??! Ew. That is so not right!

  3. Oh my god, thank you so much for completely cracking me up on a day when I really needed a reason to crack a smile!

  4. Too funny, I've heard of those before, but wouldn't dare try it, the egg whites could lead to a nasty infection in a not so fun place. Yuck!

  5. There is something unnerving about slapping some egg whites on or up before the deed is done. I can imagine it now...Hey hunny...where'd that egg go? Oh crap, I think some shell was left in the mix!!! OUCH!

  6. hilarious! thanks for the laugh! all i kept thinking about is Emeril screaming "bam" as the egg whites go . . .

  7. Every time I have my PMS, what I like to call Pregnancy Malfunction Syndrome, I look for something to blame. Like lubricants. I've thrown half-used KY jelly tubes in a fit of rage! Thanks for this post. I might just try the canola oil out of desperation!

  8. Awesome blog man, the things you have mentioned above are really informative and are examples of your awesome writing skills and a good blog.
    John Wintermute