Wednesday, April 13, 2011


So this weekend I found myself out buying tampons which I haven't done in a really long time.

Early on in our baby making I blamed tampons for our lack of pregnancy. I saw an article that said tampons are evil and can cause infertility. So I immediately swore them off as tools of the devil. (Obviously the logical response)

Since failing to conceive I have had a TON of tests run on my girly bits. Every test came back normal. Which means that when we went to the RE our official diagnosis was "Unexplained Infertility."

In my opinion that is the most annoying diagnosis there is... Probably because this is what I was diagnosed with. But when everything is there AND everything is in working order yet nothing is happening I just think to myself... really? Do I have some problem not know to man? Perhaps all the times my Dad claimed to be an alien he was really telling the truth. Everyone knows that cross species procreation is a breeding no no.
My RE has no idea what is wrong with me, his best guess was a hormone imbalance, and therefore he is just treating me and hoping that something works out. So one of the magical things I get to do this month is a progesterone suppository.

No problem right?

Ummmm yeah... that was until I googled Crinone. Apparently the none progesterone part of the cream builds up in your hoo-ha as little balls of glory. If you don't clean yourself out you can get packed full of them. Also, they can range in color from white to salmon pink... It's almost Easter so at least the colors are festive. It's like tiny pastel colored Easter eggs are hiding up there.

Holy shit you guys.... do you think I'm a minion of the Easter Bunny? I swear to Christ if I have to hop around hiding balls of ick that came out of my Va-JJ so children can rejoice in the wonder of the holiday I will be pissed! I'm already a Computer Guru/Dairy Maid... I refuse to add Bunny's little helper to the list.

Anyway... I found myself in a weird predicament.... I needed a bottle brush for my vagina.

As usual I came up with a few options because I am a list maker.

1. My Finger:
Honestly I just didn't feel like fingering myself every morning... It sounds exhausting and I would insist on a happy ending every time. If I can't be a giver to myself what kind of world would I be living in.

2. Actual Bottle Brush: 
I went to a kitchen store and they all felt kind of ouchy.... NEXT

3. Tampons:
I know... Fucking brilliant right. They are already built for going up there and they have the handy little ejection string. Plus the absorbent quality of the tampon sticks to those buggers like a magnet. It's like they were built for Easter egg removal!

Let me tell you what... It works like a charm too. Seriously people I don't think I have ever been fresher up there. A little scub-a-dub with the tampon and I am ready to go.

There is also something very satisfying about seeing all the Easter eggs come out too. It's like when you pop a zit, even though you're not supposed to, and all the bad stuff squirts out. If you're lucky enough to hit the mirror it's like you won a jackpot of destruction and glory! When that happens I know it's gonna be a good news day.  

So if you ever find yourself getting prescribed with a suppository, pick up a box of tampons. Nothing will keep you fresher!   


  1. EEEE I have not heard of this!! Good thinking :)

  2. Oh my god, you are too freaking hysterical. And I will keep this in mind when I use Crinone for my upcoming IVF cycle!

    Unexplained IF is the worst. I keep thinking, should I get more opinions? I live in a crazy doctor filled city, and my doctor is already at one of the best hospitals around. It's hard not to trust her, but it's hard not to wonder why she can't find anything...something, a vitamin deficiency, an allergy, something, anything...please?!

  3. This post just brightened my day XD Thanks for the laugh!

  4. I'm an unexplained infertile too, sucks huh? Good luck with your easter eggs :)

  5. I'm seriously crying I am laughing so hard right now! Thanks, I needed that today :)

  6. your posts literaly make me laugh out loud! Keep them coming!

  7. LOL! I start those next week - good to know :)