GRASSHOPPER INVASION

I wish this was a joke but it's not... Every summer since moving into our townhouse we have an invasion of SOMETHING in our backyard...

 This year its Grasshoppers... and weirdly of all the shit that has been in our backyard... the grasshoppers are giving McLovin the willies... I shit you not, a man who has battled it out against praying manti, bees, rabid rabbits and snakes is sort of terrified of grasshoppers.

I repeat....

Grasshoppers

Just to show I am not joking here are some txts... Side note... we named the first grasshopper Allfie.

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Me: I have some bad news... There is now a grasshopper on the front door and one on the back. It's official. We are under surveillance.

McLovin: I told you. it's an invasion!

Me: Allfie is building an army.

McLovin: See! So aggressive.  I will have to try a new approach with them. Mayhap the praying mantis approach.

Me: What's the Praying Mantis approach?

McLovin: Weed Whacker*

Me: You are not weed whacking the grasshoppers! We don't need a bunch of five and a half legged mutants running around launching an attack! You got off lucky with the praying manti.

McLovin: I will win this war like I've won against all of mother nature's minions!!!

Me: You mean like when you propelled the innocent curious george bee into the next world with your flip flop of death?

McLovin: Casualty of war. It's not my fault Mother Nature fights with innocents.

Me: Well to be fair you didn't research the threat level either... I mean a code blue situation was treated as code red... Slight overkill.

McLovin: There was no time for research. The homestead was in danger so I acted.

Me: Yes Dear. You really showed him who was boss. But I really don't think grasshoppers are dangerous. Don't people eat them in some countries? We should be farming these suckers and selling them for profit.

McLovin: YES!!! That's how I will show my dominance... I will eat some in the backyard in front of their army.  "Hell hath no fury" You have been promoted for your contributions.

Me: You know if aliens ever invade I hope they don't take cues from you about how war works.... I will be pissed if I end up abducted and covered in chocolate as an example.

McLovin: They would be right to follow my lead.

Me: Really? So you would counsel them to eat us??? What kind of survivor does that?

McLovin: They wouldn't eat me I'm charming.

Me: I see your point... Well played.

*McLovin was not trying to kill anything with the weed whacker... but when he would mow the lawn (yes it's that small) we noticed the praying manti would all flee in terror from the weed whacker's angry maw. So it was a win win for everyone. Except the one who lost an arm and spent the rest of the summer waving his stump at us from the screen door. THAT was a little unnerving. 

LET'S GET ARTIFICAL!

Artificially inseminated....

Sounds like a party right? And really it kind of is.

IUI, or intrauterine insemination, is a process by which sperm is cleansed and released into the woman's uterus on the day that she is ovulating. (I love that they say "released" I feel like there should be a nature channel camera crew shoved up my uterus dedicated to filming the release of cleansed sperm back into the wilds of my uterus... We could totally sell that shit to the networks.)

Who wouldn't want doctored sperm shot directly into their vagina?

At first I was a little bummed... because we have officially moved from "Mommy and Daddy got a little rambunctious one night and 9 months later there was a baby".... to "Hey kid you came from a test tube!" (or at least half of you did)

But then I thought about it and you know what? I bet there are a lot of slackers mixed in with McLovin's normal "deposit"... and with this wash and rinse cycle the doctor is basically shoving the A team up my cooter to get this job done.

Plus, this also gave McLovin an opportunity to give a pep talk to his boys on the drive over. And I'm using the term pep talk lightly... What I really mean is... blasting the spermies with inspirational classic "man" music to get them pumped up and ready to go. Some of his hits of choice included:

1. Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
2. Rocky's Theme Song (Gonna Fly Now) by Bill Conti
and
3. More Human Then Human by White Zombie

It was quite a ride.

So after an inspirational drive over we dropped off his boys and waited around until turkey baster time! (I will never look at a thanksgiving turkey the same way again...)

It is a little odd knowing a bunch of people were walking around with his boys getting them prepped for the action. Especially when you're sitting on the table depants with a sheet and you hear a microwave. (I imagine they were showing the good sperm what happens to sperm that fail... Nothing like a little motivation to get them ready to compete. Why else would there be a microwave just outside the patient rooms.)

It was also weird when the doctor showed us his sperm... which went from the normal sperm color to a delightful clearish pink color... But that's ok... I'm hoping the pink "girl" color cancels out the testosterone fueled car trip to give all x and y spermies and equal chance of success.

The procedure was pretty quick and definitely painless... McLovin was a little bummed he didn't get to push the stopped down on the "deposit" but I think inside he knew that the doctor was a professional and getting them up there and in the right location was the most important part.

So then it was time to wait. But that cycle at least I knew we did everything possible to get a positive result.

And it would be just like McLovin's sperm to be all VIP velvet rope about it.  

I Dreamed A Dream

McLovin: Last night I had a dream that a demonic ghost cat was attacking me... and when i woke up i had a big scratch on my arm.

Me: Looks like you failed.

McLovin: No way... I got away with just a scratch. That demonic cat would have ripped anyone elses head off.

Me: I once had a dream that I got bite by a vampire and it turns out it was a spider biting my neck... so I lost in my dream and in reality.

McLovin: If you were a vampire I would let you turn me.

Me: Really? That's nice. even if I was a sparkly twilight vampire?

McLovin: No way those vampires are pussies... Who sparkles in the sun?

Me: So I can turn you, but only if I am the right kind of vampire? It doesn't sound like you're upholding your wedding vows. "Till Death do we part"

McLovin: I'm pretty sure the wedding vows got axed once you went and got made into the undead. If you were a sparkly vampire I would insist on becoming a werewolf.

Me: I'm pretty sure in those book you have to be a born Native American of a specific tribe.

McLovin: Well that seems racist... Haven't they heard of the anti-discrimination acts? I have equal rights to become a werewolf.

Me: So basically what your saying is, if I ever got turned into a "normal" vampire who doesn't sparkle in the sun I can turn you... but if I sparkle you will take the mythological werewolves to court for equal rights to be turned into a werewolf.

McLovin: Yes because vampires sparkling in the sun in a load of horseshit.