LET'S GET ARTIFICAL!

Artificially inseminated....

Sounds like a party right? And really it kind of is.

IUI, or intrauterine insemination, is a process by which sperm is cleansed and released into the woman's uterus on the day that she is ovulating. (I love that they say "released" I feel like there should be a nature channel camera crew shoved up my uterus dedicated to filming the release of cleansed sperm back into the wilds of my uterus... We could totally sell that shit to the networks.)

Who wouldn't want doctored sperm shot directly into their vagina?

At first I was a little bummed... because we have officially moved from "Mommy and Daddy got a little rambunctious one night and 9 months later there was a baby".... to "Hey kid you came from a test tube!" (or at least half of you did)

But then I thought about it and you know what? I bet there are a lot of slackers mixed in with McLovin's normal "deposit"... and with this wash and rinse cycle the doctor is basically shoving the A team up my cooter to get this job done.

Plus, this also gave McLovin an opportunity to give a pep talk to his boys on the drive over. And I'm using the term pep talk lightly... What I really mean is... blasting the spermies with inspirational classic "man" music to get them pumped up and ready to go. Some of his hits of choice included:

1. Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
2. Rocky's Theme Song (Gonna Fly Now) by Bill Conti
and
3. More Human Then Human by White Zombie

It was quite a ride.

So after an inspirational drive over we dropped off his boys and waited around until turkey baster time! (I will never look at a thanksgiving turkey the same way again...)

It is a little odd knowing a bunch of people were walking around with his boys getting them prepped for the action. Especially when you're sitting on the table depants with a sheet and you hear a microwave. (I imagine they were showing the good sperm what happens to sperm that fail... Nothing like a little motivation to get them ready to compete. Why else would there be a microwave just outside the patient rooms.)

It was also weird when the doctor showed us his sperm... which went from the normal sperm color to a delightful clearish pink color... But that's ok... I'm hoping the pink "girl" color cancels out the testosterone fueled car trip to give all x and y spermies and equal chance of success.

The procedure was pretty quick and definitely painless... McLovin was a little bummed he didn't get to push the stopped down on the "deposit" but I think inside he knew that the doctor was a professional and getting them up there and in the right location was the most important part.

So then it was time to wait. But that cycle at least I knew we did everything possible to get a positive result.

And it would be just like McLovin's sperm to be all VIP velvet rope about it.