The Trouble with Pants

Txts with McLovin...
approx 10:30 this morning.

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McLovin - Soooo my zipper just fell off.

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Me - Your pants zipper?

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McLovin - Yeah... off. I'm flapping in the breeze over here.

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Me - Do you have access to double stick tape? Worse case you could maybe use a stapler, but then you would need to go into the bathroom with a stapler...

 So if you hid it in your pocket people would think you had a huge rod and were going to whack off... but if you just saunter in with the stapler exposed people with think your whacking off to office supplies....

Pop Quiz hot shot... what kind of office pervert do you want to be?

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McLovin - Seriously this is a problem... my rig just failed.

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Me - What was your rig?

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McLovin - No stapler access... My rig was just a random paper clip. I need to find an old used staple to help this rig out.

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Me - OK no stapler... Do you have tape?

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McLovin - No tape either... I've found a paper clip and an old staple. Those are in use but highly unstable.

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Me - Can you reinforce it with the sticky part of a sticky pad?

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McLovin - Are you fucking with me?!?!?

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Me - No! It could work. I have faith in your Macgyver abilities.

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McLovin - Post it stick is terrible. It wouldn't trap a gimp gnat.

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Me - I have seen something similar done with Velcro but I am going to assume you don't have access to that since you can't even be trusted with  a stapler.

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McLovin - Velcro???? Really???? That's your big suggestion.

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Me - I have seen Velcro used with much success. OK... Do you have glue?

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McLovin - Seriously???? I don't work in a fucking art school. I work at a "paperless" company whose office supplies are kept at the front desk with a receptionist.

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Me - Listen, we aren't going to solve this problem with negativity.

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McLovin -At my desk I have... a tack, a pen, a tablet, my PC, my Laptop, a Water, a Coffee, and three hanging Alligator Clips with giant spikes... and before you ask I am not messing with those and my crotch.

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Me - OK that's not much to work with. My best suggestion is for you to walk around with something suspiciously covering your crotch region then go out to "lunch" and hall ass to the nearest Target to buy new pants or a stapler. Your call there... I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life.

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McLovin -After my meeting I'm going to "lunch". Do you know how many times I've had to purchase pants while at lunch??? Twice... That's two times too many.

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Me - Twice including today or twice total???

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McLovin - Plus I have had to replace shoes and socks (twice), a belt (once) and a shirt (once)

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Me - WTF are you doing at work? You work in an office for Christ's sake!

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McLovin - No one should have that many wardrobe changes in the parking lot of a strip mall.

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Me - Not unless your a prostitute... Are you turning tricks on the side?

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McLovin - I'm glad you find this amusing.