So quick note, we are moving to a new house. One with an actual yard and isn't attached to asshole neighbors who back into your parked car or with big ass boyfriends who bust into your house by accident looking for a booty call... Win win right???
Also fun fact... Living with your parents for a month goes much smoother when all parties can drink... Apparently, all me and my Mom needed in High School was some wine!
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Anyway, I was VERY excited about our new place until THIS....
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McLovin - For peace of mind you probably shouldn't look at Taco's facebook page.
--
Me - Why What Happened?
--
McLovin - Let's just say you won't be letting anyone in our backyard... Ever.
--
Me - Oh My Fucking God! A Brown Mother Fucking Recluse Spider bit her dog! And now his ear is Falling Off!?!?!?! Holy Fuck Balls! Seriously??? Seriously is this happening a week before we close on the new place? In Their Neighborhood!!!!!!
--
McLovin - I think this is an isolated incident.
--
Me - Dude... Wikipedia is telling me the ONLY way to positively ID a Recluse is by looking into it's beady little eyes... Honestly, if I'm close enough to exchange a flirtatious glance with it, I'M TOO FUCKING CLOSE!
--
McLovin - Stop reading it. Seriously you don't want to see the section on shoes.
--
Me - I FUCKING SAW IT! And what is this about it lurking in toilets!!!! Hmmmmmmm? What is THAT about? OMG... It is saying they like to camp out in clothes.... CLOTHES!!!
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McLovin - Should we invest in some of those vacuum seal clothes bags before moving in?
--
Me - I don't know.... I feel like I should just leave tea towels in every corner so they don't take the lack of discarded clothing as an invite to climb into bed with us!
--
McLovin - I think we're gonna be ok without leaving tea towels out in every room...
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email sent later in the day... from me to McLovin
Since he is obviously not taking this situation very seriously!!!!
==============================================
==
==
Survival
(for the spiders... since whoever wrote this post obviously doesn't give a fuck about the human race since he has such a hard on for these devil spiders... I'm assuming a man wrote this because spiders are icky.)
the abilities to maintain homeostasis for several seasons with no food or water and to survive after losing limbs.[41] Additionally, the spiders survive significantly longer in a relatively cool, thermally stable environment.[42]
The increased abilities of the spiders to survive during times of starvation, thirst, and regulated room temperatures makes extermination of this species particularly challenging. Many chemicals which have proven effective have now been made illegal or restricted in the U.S., making the use of chemicals to eradicate the spiders impractical.[41] Chemicals that do not kill the spider may cause disruption to its nervous system or other systems, inducing undesirable aggressive behavior.[41]
==
Let's be honest... This is a concern since we seem to have problems with infestations every year... AND this is WAY WORSE than the Alfie Grasshopper invasion of 2011. We will obviously be implementing mandatory security sweeps before getting into bed each night and a strict clothes shake out policy. We don't want these spiders catching us with our pants down since they will, very literally, bite you in the ass.
Also fun fact... Living with your parents for a month goes much smoother when all parties can drink... Apparently, all me and my Mom needed in High School was some wine!
==============================================
Anyway, I was VERY excited about our new place until THIS....
==============================================
McLovin - For peace of mind you probably shouldn't look at Taco's facebook page.
--
Me - Why What Happened?
--
McLovin - Let's just say you won't be letting anyone in our backyard... Ever.
--
Me - Oh My Fucking God! A Brown Mother Fucking Recluse Spider bit her dog! And now his ear is Falling Off!?!?!?! Holy Fuck Balls! Seriously??? Seriously is this happening a week before we close on the new place? In Their Neighborhood!!!!!!
--
McLovin - I think this is an isolated incident.
--
Me - Dude... Wikipedia is telling me the ONLY way to positively ID a Recluse is by looking into it's beady little eyes... Honestly, if I'm close enough to exchange a flirtatious glance with it, I'M TOO FUCKING CLOSE!
--
McLovin - Stop reading it. Seriously you don't want to see the section on shoes.
--
Me - I FUCKING SAW IT! And what is this about it lurking in toilets!!!! Hmmmmmmm? What is THAT about? OMG... It is saying they like to camp out in clothes.... CLOTHES!!!
--
McLovin - Should we invest in some of those vacuum seal clothes bags before moving in?
--
Me - I don't know.... I feel like I should just leave tea towels in every corner so they don't take the lack of discarded clothing as an invite to climb into bed with us!
--
McLovin - I think we're gonna be ok without leaving tea towels out in every room...
==============================================
email sent later in the day... from me to McLovin
Since he is obviously not taking this situation very seriously!!!!
==============================================
I have been doing research on our little
Brown Recluse situation since the best approach to being victorious in a war is
Knowing Your Enemy...
Pretty sure Sun Tzu wrote that in the "Art of War", and Let's be honest...
Home boy knew his shit...
Pretty sure Sun Tzu wrote that in the "Art of War", and Let's be honest...
Home boy knew his shit...
==
Habitat
They frequently build their webs in woodpiles and sheds, closets, garages, plenum spaces, cellars, and other places that are dry and generally undisturbed. When dwelling in human residences they seem to favor cardboard, possibly because it mimics the rotting tree bark which they inhabit naturally. They have also been encountered in shoes, inside dressers, in bed sheets of infrequently used beds, in clothes stacked or piled or left lying on the floor, inside work gloves, behind baseboards and pictures, in toilets, and near sources of warmth when ambient temperatures are lower than usual. Human-recluse contact often occurs when such isolated spaces are disturbed and the spider feels threatened.
They frequently build their webs in woodpiles and sheds, closets, garages, plenum spaces, cellars, and other places that are dry and generally undisturbed. When dwelling in human residences they seem to favor cardboard, possibly because it mimics the rotting tree bark which they inhabit naturally. They have also been encountered in shoes, inside dressers, in bed sheets of infrequently used beds, in clothes stacked or piled or left lying on the floor, inside work gloves, behind baseboards and pictures, in toilets, and near sources of warmth when ambient temperatures are lower than usual. Human-recluse contact often occurs when such isolated spaces are disturbed and the spider feels threatened.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Soooooo basically they will live anywhere they want in your house... including the TOILET. I can't explain how much seeing a Ghoulie come out of a toilet in the 80s SERIOUSLY fucked me up when I was a child. Every time I sat on the pot I thought my asshole was going to get eaten off... EVERY. TIME.
Soooooo basically they will live anywhere they want in your house... including the TOILET. I can't explain how much seeing a Ghoulie come out of a toilet in the 80s SERIOUSLY fucked me up when I was a child. Every time I sat on the pot I thought my asshole was going to get eaten off... EVERY. TIME.
==
Distribution
I'm not going to even list all the places but pretty much just picture America post San Andreas Fault tragedy... So pretty much everyone is F.U.C.K.E.D... there is nowhere to hide and nowhere is safe. Honestly it's like a plot to a horror movie only this is reality. A very fucked up reality.
I'm not going to even list all the places but pretty much just picture America post San Andreas Fault tragedy... So pretty much everyone is F.U.C.K.E.D... there is nowhere to hide and nowhere is safe. Honestly it's like a plot to a horror movie only this is reality. A very fucked up reality.
==
Identification
The violin pattern is not diagnostic, as other spiders can have similar markings (e.g. cellar spiders and pirate spiders). For definitive identification it is imperative to examine the eyes. While most spiders have eight eyes, recluse spiders have six eyes arranged in pairs (dyads) with one median pair and two lateral pairs. Only a few other spiders have three pairs of eyes arranged in this way (e.g., scytodids). Recluses have no obvious coloration patterns on the abdomen or legs, and the legs lack spines.[1] The abdomen is covered with fine short hairs that, when viewed without magnification, give the appearance of soft fur. The leg joints may appear to be a slightly lighter color.
^^^^^^^
It's like God was all, I am going to unleash this hellish beast upon the world but I will only give him 6 eyes instead of the normal 8... Gotta give those human meat sacks at least a fighting chance. So sayeth the lord.
==
The violin pattern is not diagnostic, as other spiders can have similar markings (e.g. cellar spiders and pirate spiders). For definitive identification it is imperative to examine the eyes. While most spiders have eight eyes, recluse spiders have six eyes arranged in pairs (dyads) with one median pair and two lateral pairs. Only a few other spiders have three pairs of eyes arranged in this way (e.g., scytodids). Recluses have no obvious coloration patterns on the abdomen or legs, and the legs lack spines.[1] The abdomen is covered with fine short hairs that, when viewed without magnification, give the appearance of soft fur. The leg joints may appear to be a slightly lighter color.
^^^^^^^
It's like God was all, I am going to unleash this hellish beast upon the world but I will only give him 6 eyes instead of the normal 8... Gotta give those human meat sacks at least a fighting chance. So sayeth the lord.
==
Behavior
It's an asshole... I am paraphrasing but you get the idea.
It's an asshole... I am paraphrasing but you get the idea.
==
Survival
(for the spiders... since whoever wrote this post obviously doesn't give a fuck about the human race since he has such a hard on for these devil spiders... I'm assuming a man wrote this because spiders are icky.)
the abilities to maintain homeostasis for several seasons with no food or water and to survive after losing limbs.[41] Additionally, the spiders survive significantly longer in a relatively cool, thermally stable environment.[42]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Really??? Apparently THEY NEVER DIE!!!! SEVERAL seasons without food or water... SEVERAL... Give them a cool temp to hang out in and the little asshole goes into cryosleep...
Really??? Apparently THEY NEVER DIE!!!! SEVERAL seasons without food or water... SEVERAL... Give them a cool temp to hang out in and the little asshole goes into cryosleep...
The increased abilities of the spiders to survive during times of starvation, thirst, and regulated room temperatures makes extermination of this species particularly challenging. Many chemicals which have proven effective have now been made illegal or restricted in the U.S., making the use of chemicals to eradicate the spiders impractical.[41] Chemicals that do not kill the spider may cause disruption to its nervous system or other systems, inducing undesirable aggressive behavior.[41]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Cliff Notes Version... If you try and use chemical warfare you better get it right the first time or you're gonna end up with a seriously pissed of mutant spider lusting for your blood... "undesirable aggressive behavior" is pretty much the understatement of the century...
Cliff Notes Version... If you try and use chemical warfare you better get it right the first time or you're gonna end up with a seriously pissed of mutant spider lusting for your blood... "undesirable aggressive behavior" is pretty much the understatement of the century...
==
Let's be honest... This is a concern since we seem to have problems with infestations every year... AND this is WAY WORSE than the Alfie Grasshopper invasion of 2011. We will obviously be implementing mandatory security sweeps before getting into bed each night and a strict clothes shake out policy. We don't want these spiders catching us with our pants down since they will, very literally, bite you in the ass.
