Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Dear Mother Nature,

We need to talk...

I know that I have been your neighbor for close to 7 years and we have never actually had a full conversation. At least not one that strayed from the bland bullshit people say to each other to appear cordial when really all I'm thinking is "Seriously bitch, I think you have a screw loose and I gotta get inside to cook this wiener schnitzel. Good day to you."

Things have been strained between us lately... I'm not sure if it is because I accidentally called you Mother Nature to your face? Please understand we are not 100% sure what your real name is and therefore had to come up with a nickname* to prevent confusion within the compound known as our home. We gave you the nickname "Mother Nature" because of the glorious flowers you always have potted around your step. I am sure you have noticed that we are lacking in the flower department and instead have a plastic topiary. I think we can both agree that I am a sorry excuse for a woman. I have a fake tree on my stoop, a square wreath at Christmas and an empty uterus. You on the other hand have a garden bursting with color, 3 sons, and change your wreath for every season.

* I refuse to call you by what I think is your name after the awkward conversation with Russ/Ron next door after he finally told me I had been calling him the wrong name for 8 months... I'm NOT going through that again. And really (Ron/Russ)... If I get the first letter of you name right I feel like you should be happy. I have the memory of a epileptic alpaca... I can't be expected to remember everything.

Or mayhap you dislike us because McLovin called the cops on your maybe ex-boyfriend "new-dad" after he kicked in your door. If we had known you were going to start hanging out with him again immediately after he was released from jail one week later then we wouldn't have bothered. We thought we were saving you from an epic beat down and didn't realize it was part of your crazy foreplay.

I think you can understand my confusion since you have started a relationship with "The Sequel"... Who appears even bigger then "New Dad" and definitely bigger then you ex-husband. Not that I spy on the nocturnal merry-go-round happening next door... but he was kind of hard to miss when he busted into our house thinking it was yours. I would appreciate you giving better directions to your future conquests... I'm sure you can understand. It was hard to explain why I was dressed as Sock-Monkey and I feel like the nod to  "Furry culture" was missed in all the confusion.

The reason I am writing to you is that I need your help Mother Nature. I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half with no success... and you have managed to have 3 children within 5 years all before your "happy" marriage broke up and you began having a parade of new men in your house. Please... tell me... how did you do it? (The babies not the men)

Personally, I think you have a magical vagina. It can be the only explanation for all those kids and still having men want to beat down your door to get to you.... So what's the deal? Does it sing? Is it flavored like gin? Do you rub cat nip on it before a conquest? Maybe your bedroom has a fertility lab in it? 

Or how about this.... 

You currently have 3 boys in a two bedroom condo... If/when (cause let's get real... you don't seem to swift with the birth control thing...) you get pregnant again... We will take the baby once its born. You obviously have your hands full and honestly, where will you put another one? We have a whole empty baby room just waiting for your future love child.

Think about it.

This can be the answer to all our prayers.

Lucky Z.

PS - And yes I know that I need to water a plant in order to keep it alive, that tip was mighty helpful the first time you pointed out my shortcomings as a gardener... But plastic topiaries don't require water, never turn brown, and is pre-lit for Christmas... So Booyah!

I am a time management superstar!  

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