FOR MY AUNT

I'm apologizing in advance if this post is a downer. If you are looking to be cheered up this isn't the post for you so turn back.

OK, it's Tuesday which means the rapture and zombies didn't happen this weekend. (I know you are as shocked as I am. try not to be too disappointed because the brain child behind the May 21 date has moved it back to October 21. Fear not, there is still time to get your zombie on!) But, even though there wasn't a mass exodus of Christians all over the world one angel was called back up to heaven. My Aunt. 

technically she was "called back" Sunday morning not Saturday, May 21, but I'm saying she was raptured... She would have gotten a kick out of going out like that. Plus if anyone deserved to be raptured it was her.

I decided to write down a few things about my aunt that I loved and will miss. I was so blessed to have her in my life. She deserves to be celebrated.

1. My Aunt had down syndrome. I know a lot of families get concerned about having a child with down  syndrome but I would consider it a blessing. I don't think I ever met someone with a purer heart and soul then my Aunt.  

2. Unconditional Love. That is what she gave every person who came in contact with her. If you gave her a Pepsi she would love you forever. A 50 cent Pepsi is all it would take.

3. Miss America - My Aunt was a super star... Before doing just about anything she would strike a pose. One hand on her hip and one on her head, she would then blow you a kiss, and give a perfect pageant wave. My Grandpop, her Dad, would sing the Miss America theme song while she did this. It was pretty fantastic.

4. Social Butterfly - My Aunt lived in a group home. Part of what the home did was have a work program. My Aunt's work was stuffing envelopes. They would pay them maybe 10 cents for every envelope stuffed. My Mom once told me that my Aunt's "paycheck" would be about $1 to $1.50 per week. That means she stuffed a total of 10 maybe 15 envelopes per week. She was much too busy laughing, flirting and loving life to be bothered stuffing envelopes. Plus, who wants to sit and stuff envelopes everyday? No one that's who.  

5. Birthdays - My birthday will never be the same. We were born a few days apart (different years of course) so we would always celebrate our family birthdays together. I always liked having backup in case I couldn't get all the candles out. No one could blow out a candle like my Aunt.

6. Thick Skin - Going to public places at an early age with my Aunt gave me a thick skin. People would stare, point, and make awful comments in public. Luckily my Aunt never understood and wasn't fazed. But it can be hard as a family member to see. Having an Aunt who was different made me a stronger person. I learned to ignore other people and their ignorant comments. She showed me how to hold my head up high and smile no matter what was going on around me.

7. Growing old through the eyes of a child. I always loved watching a Disney movie or doing really anything with my aunt. She always saw the world with such wonder. I wish I could get that innocence back.

In the end she was sick and not doing well at all. She didn't recognize anyone and had osteoporosis so bad she couldn't even stand up. I will miss her but it would be selfish to want her to still be alive. I will always remember her with love. She taught me to be a better person.

Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~ Emily Dickinson

RAPTURE AKA ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

In case you are unaware Saturday, May 21st at 6pm EST the end of the world is coming. Including the dead rising... meaning zombies.

It was kind of nice for them to tell us the exact time the Rapture would start. I find it starting at 6pm weird though. Isn't the number 6 associated with the Devil? I feel like 3 would have been more appropriate since God is the trinity and its God destroying the earth. Right? Maybe I'm over thinking this.

Plus... if this is all scheduled out in the Bible would there have been any way to avoid this? You would think the Rapture would come when humanity reached a point to disgust God enough that he decided to wipe our asses out. If this has been scheduled I feel like we were screwed either way. And that's not cool God! Geez give us a chance.

Anyway, the CDC has helpfully given out some guidelines for preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. The CDC recommends helpful products such as water, food, a flashlight and medication. Anyone who has read the Zombie Survival Guide would know that this list is bullshit. I mean really CDC? It's like you aren't even trying.

McLovin is OBESSED with the Zombie Survival Guide... He is seriously looking forward to Saturday like a child before Christmas. I have tried explaining to him that the end of the world would be a bad thing but to no avail. Alas... below are some tips I have gleaned from his Zombie knowledge.

1st - Shave your head. Just shut your eyes and channel Sinead O'Connor, Britney Spears, or Demi Moore in GI Jane. Trust me... during the Apocalypse the fuzzy look will be THE look. You don't want to give those Zombies something to grab onto like a handy ponytail do you?

2nd - You need Weapons... How else are you going to re-kill the walking dead before they suck on your brains? Training before this point would have been a good thing but just try not to maime yourself whilst going after the Zombies and you should be ok. Guns would be best... especially if you know how to shoot one, but knives, swords, or cricket bats will work too.

Personally I think giving us an FYI to the exact moment of the Dead will be rising seems sort of silly. Shouldn't we all hang out at the graveyard armed to the teeth and when the unsuspecting Zombies pop their heads up we can start hacking at them like the greatest game of Whack a Mole ever played???

3rd - Have a plan. It is always good to stay on the move but if you know of a certain cabin that is armed to the teeth with weapons, MREs AND people who could shoot the testicals off a fly at 50 feet then I suggest you head there. You snooze you lose suckers! You should have started planning for this shit before count down time. Honestly I'm a bit disappointed in you waiting until now to prepare.

4th - Have a reliable lookout. Sadly McLovin will not be filling this role. He is seriously the worst look out EVER. For Mother's Day we surprised his parents by sneak attacking them outside of church to take them to dinner... (What? You didn't expect us to actually go IN the church did you? We are heathens after all. That's how I know we aren't getting "saved" before the action starts on Saturday... We are definitely battling this one out.) So we sat in the parking lot were McLovin "had a view of the front door" so we could see them coming... I quickly realized the error in this plan when not 1, not 2, but 3 senior citizens managed to not only get into the parking lot but gain access to their cars without McLovin noticing. And really... Senior citizens move at about the pace that I imagine your average Zombie would move. It was at that time that I informed him that he would not be on look out duty during the impending doom. I'm not getting taken out because of his unobservant ass.  

5th - Have a kick ass soundtrack. Everything is better with a soundtrack. It just ups the drama and excitement. I have come up with a few suggestions to add to your Apocalypse Playlist. I am open for more... We still have time to tweak this list till the last second people! 

• Zombie - The Cranberries  - Get in their Frame of Mind! 
• The Final Countdown - Europe - Honestly I can't imagine an apocalypse scenario NOT including this song.
• Bodies - Drowning Pool - Get angry and kick some ass people!

What will you do to prepare for the coming Zombie Apocalypse?

You better not say praying because that is a total cop out and you totally deserve to become the first course! If you don't get saved right away brown nosing isn't going to help you! You're a dirty sinner and your gonna have to face this shit storm like the rest of us. Suck it up butter cup!

TREES

Someone needs to have a conversation with trees and safe sex. I don't know what it is, but around this time of year, trees spew pollen everywhere with no regard to where it is going. And do you know what pollen is???

It's tree sperm.

Every time I go outside I see my car absolutely COVERED in tree sperm. It's gross and I don't like it.

Enough is enough.

And the worst part is, I am allergic to tree sperm. It makes my eyes water and my throat itch and my nose clog up.  

Plus,  I really don't appreciate a tree trying to fertilize my eye hole. How am I supposed to explain to McLovin that I got chlamydia in my eye from the oak tree around the corner?

So here is a warning, listen up trees... there is an epidemic of tree sperm STDs going around.  The next tree that pollinates in my direction is going down! I have a chainsaw and I am not afraid to use it.

Who's with me?

FAMOUS INFERTILES IN HISTORY!

Off With Her Head!!!!!

And no I am not blogging about the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland...

of course infertility would explain her cranky pants mood.

By far the worst case scenario for an infertile in the 16 century would be being married to King Henry the VIII and being made a head shorter for your troubles. He had 6 wives and 4 of them lost their lives... 2 of natural causes and 2 from the axe...

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Wife #1 - Queen Catherine of Aragon - The One True Queen?

Queen Catherine had one surviving child (Mary aka Bloody Mary) and was very publically divorced and sent off to finish her days well away from court. She had many stillborns and babies that only lived a few days. (As if the woman didn't have enough troubles) Naturally King Henry VIII thought the marriage was cursed from God because she was originally his brother's wife. She died from natural causes at Kimbolton Castle.

Personally I think Catherine of Aragon got the short end of the stick. When she married Henry she had no idea he would one day turn into a raving nutter with an axe.

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Wife #2 - Anne Boleyn - Crafty Whore/Queen

Instead of just becoming Henry VIII mistress like so many other ladies in waiting, Anne spent a lot of time refusing the king. In fact she got King Henry VIII so worked up he broke from the Catholic church and declared his marriage to Catherine of Aragon null and void.

Anne must have had some kind of magical vagina to get all that done, am I right?

Henry VIII married Anne in January of 1533 and she gave birth to Elizabeth (The famous Virgin Queen) on September 1533... Another Princess. And back in the day Princes were the only way to secure a position. Anne suffered 3 miscarriages and  by March 1536 Henry VIII was already courting wife #3.

On May 2, 1536 Anne was arrested for adultery, incest and high treason. By May 19th she lost her head.

I feel like this is a bit extreme for the main "sin" of not producing a male heir... My ass would have been grass if we still played by these rules.

Also I think a lesson the ladies can take from this is: Blue Balls... it gets shit done.

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Wife #3 - Jane Seymour - Anal Little Angel

Jane was a lady in waiting to both Queen Catherine and Queen Anne. (Does anyone else think "lady in waiting" was code for adulterous whore in training?) King Henry VIII married Jane eleven days after Anne's beheading on May 30 1536.

Jane had strict rules on everything including how many pearls could be sown onto a ladies dress. Anal much? Luckily before Henry's wandering eye struck again Jane announced she was pregnant. She gave birth to a male heir, Edward, on October 1537.... Unfortunately, she fell ill and died 12 days later.

Jane was the one wife who was buried as a Queen and who Henry VIII is buried next to.  

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Wife #4 - Anne of Cleves - Seriously Lucky Bitch

Anne of Cleves was a German noblewoman... She was chosen to be Henry VIII wife based off of a painting. She didn't speak much English and managed to royally piss of Henry on their very first meeting. Henry tried to break off the wedding before it even happened on January 6, 1540 and the marriage was never consummated. By June 24th Anne was commanded to leave the court and on July 6th she was told Henry was "reconsidering their marriage".

If I was Anne I would have been shitting bricks... Henry's ex-wife survival rate at this point was a big fat zero. That's gotta make your butt hole pucker.

Henry VIII must have been feeling good (because he was in love with future Wife #5) and offered Anne a deal. If she agreed the marriage was never valid she could continue to live as Henry's beloved sister... She also could never remarry and had to live out the rest of her life in spinster hood. But she did get to keep her head.

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Wife #5 Catherine Howard - Dumb Ass

Catherine Howard was married to Henry VIII on July 28, 1540 within days of his annulment to Anne of Cleves.

I'll give you one guess where Henry picked her up... yup... a lady in waiting... I'll give you a moment to hide your shock.

She lost her head within two years of their marriage. Why? Adultery...

Someone in the family should have seen this coming... She was the first cousin to Anne Boleyn... There was NO WAY she was getting out of this marriage with her head intact.

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Wife #6 Catherine Parr - Black Widow? Assassin?

Catherine Parr married King Henry on July 12, 1543.

side note:
a.) Could Henry marry someone with a different name??? I mean in 6 wives you have 3 Catherines, 2 Annes and Anal Angel Jane...

b.) I suspect Catherine Parr was a "Black Widow" serial killer... Henry was her 4th husband. She must have been paid off by a political party to take Henry's ass out. He was unstable and beheading everyone with an axe... this is just a theory but someone should research this shit.

Henry went out of the box when picking Catherine Parr and instead of going after his wife's "Ladies" he cherry picked Catherine from his daughter Mary's "Ladies".

Catherine almost met the fate of Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard but managed to weasel back into Henry's good graces before his eventual death. (or murder if you go the black widow route... either way)

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I know some of Henry's Wives produced children... But out of 6 wives he only managed 3 surviving children... I feel that infertility was definitely at play with some of the wives and as Henry aged (and the huge ulcer on his leg soured) his fertility must have gone down too. Unfortunately, back in the day being a crappy breeder to King Henry VIII meant your life could be null and void.

It's like Henry VIII was the 16th century Jack Torrance.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... Here's Johnny!

Thank god today we have other options like fertility treatments, surrogates, adoption and foster care. No matter what, if you want to be a parent there is a way.

PS - When I call the Queens whores and bitches I am doing it tongue in cheek... If you are British or hold Royalty in high esteem please don't send Jack the Ripper after me. OK? Smooches.

PSA

Txts from  Target:

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McLovin: What is the flavor of your conditioner?  Which laundry stuff do you need?  It better not be dryer sheets... you just got a box of 1 million last weekend.*

*confession... I might have a slight addiction to dryer sheets.... I use at least two with every load and I don't throw them out right away so there is usually 10 in the dryer at any given time. Sometimes they get stuck in shirts or pants and I don't realize while I am folding. This causes McLovin to "poop" dryer sheets while he is out in public. 

I find this highly amusing... 

he does not.

Me: Raspberry and I need regular detergent and liquid fabric softener. And yes I do have a nice supply of dryer sheets. No need to be snarky.

McLovin: Downy not Snuggles correct?

Me: I think so.

McLovin: I am 99% sure... That little snuggle shit is shady.

Me: He is shady isn't he... I think he is a sex offender praying on stay at home moms... He must be stopped.

McLovin: Wow.. I didn't see that one coming.

Me: Really? All that snuggling giggling cutesy bullshit is just an act.

McLovin: A dangerous act apparently.

Me: I for one am not buying it. He's a menace.

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You have been warned... If you bring that Snuggle bastard home you do so at your own risk!

You're Welcome!