Friday, May 20, 2011

RAPTURE AKA ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE


In case you are unaware Saturday, May 21st at 6pm EST the end of the world is coming. Including the dead rising... meaning zombies.
It was kind of nice for them to tell us the exact time the Rapture would start. I find it starting at 6pm weird though. Isn't the number 6 associated with the Devil? I feel like 3 would have been more appropriate since God is the trinity and its God destroying the earth. Right? Maybe I'm over thinking this.
Plus... if this is all scheduled out in the Bible would there have been any way to avoid this? You would think the Rapture would come when humanity reached a point to disgust God enough that he decided to wipe our asses out. If this has been scheduled I feel like we were screwed either way. And that's not cool God! Geez give us a chance.
Anyway, the CDC has helpfully given out some guidelines for preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. The CDC recommends helpful products such as water, food, a flashlight and medication. Anyone who has read the Zombie Survival Guide would know that this list is bullshit. I mean really CDC? It's like you aren't even trying.
McLovin is OBESSED with the Zombie Survival Guide... He is seriously looking forward to Saturday like a child before Christmas. I have tried explaining to him that the end of the world would be a bad thing but to no avail. Alas... below are some tips I have gleaned from his Zombie knowledge.
1st - Shave your head. Just shut your eyes and channel Sinead O'Connor, Britney Spears, or Demi Moore in GI Jane. Trust me... during the Apocalypse the fuzzy look will be THE look. You don't want to give those Zombies something to grab onto like a handy ponytail do you?
2nd - You need Weapons... How else are you going to re-kill the walking dead before they suck on your brains? Training before this point would have been a good thing but just try not to maime yourself whilst going after the Zombies and you should be ok. Guns would be best... especially if you know how to shoot one, but knives, swords, or cricket bats will work too.
Personally I think giving us an FYI to the exact moment of the Dead will be rising seems sort of silly. Shouldn't we all hang out at the graveyard armed to the teeth and when the unsuspecting Zombies pop their heads up we can start hacking at them like the greatest game of Whack a Mole ever played???
3rd - Have a plan. It is always good to stay on the move but if you know of a certain cabin that is armed to the teeth with weapons, MREs AND people who could shoot the testicals off a fly at 50 feet then I suggest you head there. You snooze you lose suckers! You should have started planning for this shit before count down time. Honestly I'm a bit disappointed in you waiting until now to prepare.
4th - Have a reliable lookout. Sadly McLovin will not be filling this role. He is seriously the worst look out EVER. For Mother's Day we surprised his parents by sneak attacking them outside of church to take them to dinner... (What? You didn't expect us to actually go IN the church did you? We are heathens after all. That's how I know we aren't getting "saved" before the action starts on Saturday... We are definitely battling this one out.) So we sat in the parking lot were McLovin "had a view of the front door" so we could see them coming... I quickly realized the error in this plan when not 1, not 2, but 3 senior citizens managed to not only get into the parking lot but gain access to their cars without McLovin noticing. And really... Senior citizens move at about the pace that I imagine your average Zombie would move. It was at that time that I informed him that he would not be on look out duty during the impending doom. I'm not getting taken out because of his unobservant ass.  
5th - Have a kick ass soundtrack. Everything is better with a soundtrack. It just ups the drama and excitement. I have come up with a few suggestions to add to your Apocalypse Playlist. I am open for more... We still have time to tweak this list till the last second people! 
  • Zombie - The Cranberries  - Get in their Frame of Mind! 
  • The Final Countdown - Europe - Honestly I can't imagine an apocalypse scenario NOT including this song.
  • Bodies - Drowning Pool - Get angry and kick some ass people!

What will you do to prepare for the coming Zombie Apocalypse?
You better not say praying because that is a total cop out and you totally deserve to become the first course! If you don't get saved right away brown nosing isn't going to help you! You're a dirty sinner and your gonna have to face this shit storm like the rest of us. Suck it up butter cup!

5 comments:

  1. Another hilarious post that made my day!! My husband and I were talking about this last night, it seems a little ridiculous for the end of the world to be so planned out doesn't it?

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  2. Well. I've been wanting to try the shaved head look for awhile, so this is not terrible news. I also know how to shoot a gun. I definitely don't fall into the category of likely being saved, and I think graveyard whack-a-mole sounds delightful. This is going to turn into a nice little weekend :) Thanks for the great tips!

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  3. I'm pretty sure that the rapture happening tomorrow is a load of crock! There's no way to know when it's going to happen. What happened to the whole end of the world thing happening in 2012? I plan on sleeping tomorrow. As much as I can, in fact!

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