Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Off With Her Head!!!!!
And no I am not blogging about the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland...
of course infertility would explain her cranky pants mood.

By far the worst case scenario for an infertile in the 16 century would be being married to King Henry the VIII and being made a head shorter for your troubles. He had 6 wives and 4 of them lost their lives... 2 of natural causes and 2 from the axe...

Wife #1 - Queen Catherine of Aragon - The One True Queen?

Queen Catherine had one surviving child (Mary aka Bloody Mary) and was very publically divorced and sent off to finish her days well away from court. She had many stillborns and babies that only lived a few days. (As if the woman didn't have enough troubles) Naturally King Henry VIII thought the marriage was cursed from God because she was originally his brother's wife. She died from natural causes at Kimbolton Castle.

Personally I think Catherine of Aragon got the short end of the stick. When she married Henry she had no idea he would one day turn into a raving nutter with an axe.


Wife #2 - Anne Boleyn - Crafty Whore/Queen

Instead of just becoming Henry VIII mistress like so many other ladies in waiting, Anne spent a lot of time refusing the king. In fact she got King Henry VIII so worked up he broke from the Catholic church and declared his marriage to Catherine of Aragon null and void.

Anne must have had some kind of magical vagina to get all that done, am I right?

Henry VIII married Anne in January of 1533 and she gave birth to Elizabeth (The famous Virgin Queen) on September 1533... Another Princess. And back in the day Princes were the only way to secure a position. Anne suffered 3 miscarriages and  by March 1536 Henry VIII was already courting wife #3.

On May 2, 1536 Anne was arrested for adultery, incest and high treason. By May 19th she lost her head.

I feel like this is a bit extreme for the main "sin" of not producing a male heir... My ass would have been grass if we still played by these rules.

Also I think a lesson the ladies can take from this is: Blue Balls... it gets shit done.


Wife #3 - Jane Seymour - Anal Little Angel

Jane was a lady in waiting to both Queen Catherine and Queen Anne. (Does anyone else think "lady in waiting" was code for adulterous whore in training?) King Henry VIII married Jane eleven days after Anne's beheading on May 30 1536.

Jane had strict rules on everything including how many pearls could be sown onto a ladies dress. Anal much? Luckily before Henry's wandering eye struck again Jane announced she was pregnant. She gave birth to a male heir, Edward, on October 1537.... Unfortunately, she fell ill and died 12 days later.

Jane was the one wife who was buried as a Queen and who Henry VIII is buried next to.  


Wife #4 - Anne of Cleves - Seriously Lucky Bitch

Anne of Cleves was a German noblewoman... She was chosen to be Henry VIII wife based off of a painting. She didn't speak much English and managed to royally piss of Henry on their very first meeting. Henry tried to break off the wedding before it even happened on January 6, 1540 and the marriage was never consummated. By June 24th Anne was commanded to leave the court and on July 6th she was told Henry was "reconsidering their marriage".

If I was Anne I would have been shitting bricks... Henry's ex-wife survival rate at this point was a big fat zero. That's gotta make your butt hole pucker.

Henry VIII must have been feeling good (because he was in love with future Wife #5) and offered Anne a deal. If she agreed the marriage was never valid she could continue to live as Henry's beloved sister... She also could never remarry and had to live out the rest of her life in spinster hood. But she did get to keep her head.


Wife #5 Catherine Howard - Dumb Ass

Catherine Howard was married to Henry VIII on July 28, 1540 within days of his annulment to Anne of Cleves.

I'll give you one guess where Henry picked her up... yup... a lady in waiting... I'll give you a moment to hide your shock.

She lost her head within two years of their marriage. Why? Adultery...

Someone in the family should have seen this coming... She was the first cousin to Anne Boleyn... There was NO WAY she was getting out of this marriage with her head intact.


Wife #6 Catherine Parr - Black Widow? Assassin?

Catherine Parr married King Henry on July 12, 1543.

side note:
a.) Could Henry marry someone with a different name??? I mean in 6 wives you have 3 Catherines, 2 Annes and Anal Angel Jane...
b.) I suspect Catherine Parr was a "Black Widow" serial killer... Henry was her 4th husband. She must have been paid off by a political party to take Henry's ass out. He was unstable and beheading everyone with an axe... this is just a theory but someone should research this shit.

Henry went out of the box when picking Catherine Parr and instead of going after his wife's "Ladies" he cherry picked Catherine from his daughter Mary's "Ladies".

Catherine almost met the fate of Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard but managed to weasel back into Henry's good graces before his eventual death. (or murder if you go the black widow route... either way)


I know some of Henry's Wives produced children... But out of 6 wives he only managed 3 surviving children... I feel that infertility was definitely at play with some of the wives and as Henry aged (and the huge ulcer on his leg soured) his fertility must have gone down too. Unfortunately, back in the day being a crappy breeder to King Henry VIII meant your life could be null and void.

It's like Henry VIII was the 16th century Jack Torrance.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy... Here's Johnny!

Thank god today we have other options like fertility treatments, surrogates, adoption and foster care. No matter what, if you want to be a parent there is a way.

PS - When I call the Queens whores and bitches I am doing it tongue in cheek... If you are British or hold Royalty in high esteem please don't send Jack the Ripper after me. OK? Smooches.


  1. I enjoyed the funny take on history :)

  2. "Blue balls get shit done"<-Fantastic!!!

  3. "Thank god today we have other options like fertility treatments, surrogates, adoption and foster care. No matter what, if you want to be a parent there is a way."

  4. More than 4.5 million couples experience infertility each year. There have been millions upon millions of couples that have had to cope with infertility throughout the ages. Many of these couples are famous, historical figures and the name of couples you share in your blog are some of them. Thnaks for sharing.