PIMP MY BROCCOLI

This is how dinner is decided in our house:

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McLovin: Thoughts on dinner? Would you want salad or are you still scared of Romaine lettuce?  We could have grilled chicken and baked potatoes?

This was during the romaine lettuce  e coli outbreak... You know where e coli lives? In your butt... That means the romaine lettuce was really butt lettuce. Nothing makes a salad fresher then a side of butt bacteria.

Me: Grilled chix... baked potatoe and broccoli... mmmmmm sold!

McLovin: Ummm broccoli?  Who said anything about broccoli?  Unless of course you mean taking the broccoli, mashing it up with the potatoes and some chez and then placing it back into the baked shell...that would be OK.  With some bacon bits on top.

Me: Why are you ruining my broccoli... it's a perfectly respectable veggie and then you have to go and whore it out by slathering it in cheese and bacon...

McLovin: If you want me eating this "perfectly respectable veggie" then it'll be whored out in cheesy bacon goodness.

Me: I don't think the Jolly Green Giant would appreciate your intentions.

McLovin: You know it sounds good...and technically the only "bad" thing is the bacon.  And that's debatable.  Bacon is healthy in 90% of America's eyes.  True story...I have a keyboard in front of me that I typed it on so it must be true.

Me: It's still dressing the broccoli up to be all fancy like a $5 hooker just so unsuspecting people will nibble on her yummy goodness... only instead of just giving you vitamins she also passes on the added salt and fat from the bacon and cheese... aka food herpes.

McLovin: Mmmmmm food herpes are delicious.

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For your broccoli entertainment... I'm choppin BroccoLi!

DEEP THOUGHTS WITH MCLOVIN

"The dermatologist checks out my derm the same way the gynecologist checks out your gyn..."

I have come to the conclusion that when we have kids they are going to have some seriously screwed up ideas about the way the world works... and which doctors to see for which parts.

MY FERTILITY BLOG IS ANTI CHILDREN???

So apparently you can go to a website and type in your URL and see what your blog is rated. Pretty cool right! You can try it with your blog with this link: http://www.oneplusyou.com/bb/blog_rating

It turns out My blog is rated NC-17... Patently Adult. Children Are NOT Admitted.

 NC-17... That's worse than R.... Really? 

I mean I knew I wasn't posting stuff you would read to a kid at bedtime but NC-17??? That's one step away from X and X = porn.

And by using the word porn (shit now I used it twice) I probably pushed my blog over the edge.... X rating here we come!

I got this rating for using the following words:

zombie (10x) - Really? The apocalypse was coming... What word was I supposed to use? Plus, I was giving helpful tips for survival.  

ass (6x) - Ass? But, it's just another word for a donkey...

dick (4x) - well... ok. maybe I could have used another word... a more PC word... fine.

anal (3x) - I don't even remember using this word... weird.

whore (2x) -   hmmmmmm. OK I did use this word. I can see that it could be offensive. But I'm pretty sure I was talking about dead women so how offended could they be?

bastard (1x) - I feel like bastard shouldn't rank higher than words like shit or fuck... right? Because I know I have used those words... Come to think of it, why is ass worse than shit and fuck???  I think someone needs to get their priorities straight.

I mean, ok, when you string the words together it does sound pretty bad: zombie, ass, dick, anal, whore, bastard.... it's kind of like a rough storyline for a necrophilia X rated movie.

But really.... this is just a fertility blog to make people laugh when they are feeling down about life.

I didn't realize infertility was so racy.

What did your blog get rated?

OPEN LETTER TO MOTHER NATURE

Dear Mother Nature,

We need to talk...

I know that I have been your neighbor for close to 7 years and we have never actually had a full conversation. At least not one that strayed from the bland bullshit people say to each other to appear cordial when really all I'm thinking is "Seriously bitch, I think you have a screw loose and I gotta get inside to cook this wiener schnitzel. Good day to you."

Things have been strained between us lately... I'm not sure if it is because I accidentally called you Mother Nature to your face? Please understand we are not 100% sure what your real name is and therefore had to come up with a nickname* to prevent confusion within the compound known as our home. We gave you the nickname "Mother Nature" because of the glorious flowers you always have potted around your step. I am sure you have noticed that we are lacking in the flower department and instead have a plastic topiary. I think we can both agree that I am a sorry excuse for a woman. I have a fake tree on my stoop, a square wreath at Christmas and an empty uterus. You on the other hand have a garden bursting with color, 3 sons, and change your wreath for every season.

* I refuse to call you by what I think is your name after the awkward conversation with Russ/Ron next door after he finally told me I had been calling him the wrong name for 8 months... I'm NOT going through that again. And really (Ron/Russ)... If I get the first letter of you name right I feel like you should be happy. I have the memory of a epileptic alpaca... I can't be expected to remember everything.

Or mayhap you dislike us because McLovin called the cops on your maybe ex-boyfriend "new-dad" after he kicked in your door. If we had known you were going to start hanging out with him again immediately after he was released from jail one week later then we wouldn't have bothered. We thought we were saving you from an epic beat down and didn't realize it was part of your crazy foreplay.

I think you can understand my confusion since you have started a relationship with "The Sequel"... Who appears even bigger then "New Dad" and definitely bigger then you ex-husband. Not that I spy on the nocturnal merry-go-round happening next door... but he was kind of hard to miss when he busted into our house thinking it was yours. I would appreciate you giving better directions to your future conquests... I'm sure you can understand. It was hard to explain why I was dressed as Sock-Monkey and I feel like the nod to  "Furry culture" was missed in all the confusion.

The reason I am writing to you is that I need your help Mother Nature. I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half with no success... and you have managed to have 3 children within 5 years all before your "happy" marriage broke up and you began having a parade of new men in your house. Please... tell me... how did you do it? (The babies not the men)

Personally, I think you have a magical vagina. It can be the only explanation for all those kids and still having men want to beat down your door to get to you.... So what's the deal? Does it sing? Is it flavored like gin? Do you rub cat nip on it before a conquest? Maybe your bedroom has a fertility lab in it? 

Or how about this.... 

You currently have 3 boys in a two bedroom condo... If/when (cause let's get real... you don't seem to swift with the birth control thing...) you get pregnant again... We will take the baby once its born. You obviously have your hands full and honestly, where will you put another one? We have a whole empty baby room just waiting for your future love child.

Think about it.

This can be the answer to all our prayers.

Smooches!

Lucky Z.

PS - And yes I know that I need to water a plant in order to keep it alive, that tip was mighty helpful the first time you pointed out my shortcomings as a gardener... But plastic topiaries don't require water, never turn brown, and is pre-lit for Christmas... So Booyah!

I am a time management superstar!  

PUMAS

Sorry the last post was a downer. Hopefully my vengeful puma will make up for it. And no this is not a new name for my va-jay-jay. Pervert. Get your mind out of the gutter. geez.

I consider myself to be an emotionally strong person. Or maybe emotionally stunted, either way... I hate crying... I especially hate crying in front of someone. I feel like it makes me look a hot mess and also weak. One thing that gets drilled into you with a German-American upbringing is not to show weakness. weakness = death

Luckily I have a husband who knows this about me. Plus he is also German-American... I'm not sure how that happened... perhaps emotionally stunted people are attracted to each other?

At first it was no big deal... Plenty of people take a few months to get pregnant and I was still under the delusion that getting pregnant is easy.... But as the months rolled by my carefully constructed fortress of Zen collapsed like a house of cards.

The first time I broke down in front of McLovin I think he was stunned... I could see the confused emotions on his face. It was like a deer in the headlights of a Humvee going 160 MPH downhill on an icy road.

Obviously another month has gone down in flames... I told my McLovin and carefully avoided making eye contact. I then immediately left for work so I wouldn't have to be in the same room with him. I prefer breaking the news through email or texting. Delivering bad news is so much easier when there are miles separating informer from the informant.

An  hour later I got a text from McLovin.

McLovin: Just got to work... Leaving today around 3. So cranky right now. How are you feeling?

Me: OK, glad you made it to work. Hopefully you aren't cranky all day.

McLovin: Cranky is good for creativity... Just added to my "go suck a cat dick" and it made me happy.

Me: What does it mean that you added to your "go suck a cat dick"??? I feel like I should call the cops or possibly animal control on you.

McLovin: I was mentally telling peeps to "go suck a cat dick"... then I changed it to "Go suck a large jungle cats dick... possibly a Puma"

Me: Nice... Pumas are known to have enormous cat dicks... good choice.

McLovin: And they are loner cats... and angry. Try that shit on an angry loner cat and watch what happens.

Me: Well after it finishes skull fucking you it will probably rip your face off with its claws of destruction.

McLovin: Exactly my point.

Mission accomplished... I was now smiling and thinking of who I would set this Puma on... Don't tell PETA. We don't need another "Gus" incident...