It Has Begun...

Did you see this article???

http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/05/29/naked-man-chews-other-guys-face-shot-dead-by-cops/

Apparently a naked homeless guy was found eating another mans face off.

And that my friends is what nightmares are made of.

McLovin came home last night practically giddy about this news. He is now convinced the Zombies have come and that this is the first little blip to let us know they are here.

I know... How do I live with this person???

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McLovin - Did you hear the news? A naked homeless man was found eating someones face off in Florida!

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Me - And your excited about this why???

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McLovin - Don't you know what this means? Zombies! They are finally here! And they're naked!

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Me - It probably means he was on a shit ton of drugs and was hallucinating he was a stripper named Savage Candy.

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McLovin - Government made zombie drugs that make you eat peoples faces off! Yeah!

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Me - You said he was homeless, he was probably just hungry.  

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McLovin - Really? You think eating someones face off is normal hungry behavior? They had to shoot him multiple times before they finally killed him too. The bullets had no effect. Not until they got him with a head shot! That's like Zombie 101 shit right there.

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Me - Look all I'm saying is maybe you like to jump onto the zombie bandwagon early... Remember the zombie Squirrel?

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McLovin - OMG I can't believe your bringing him up now! He was sitting on the side of the road EATING another squirrel... That's not normal!

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Me - It is if you have rabies.

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McLovin - Listen... This homeless guy was a Zombie... He didn't think he is stripper named Savage Candy and he didn't have rabies... Tonight while you sleep I'm gonna shave your head... Because I love you.

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Me - Well great. A naked homeless man decides to go buck wild and turn his friends face into a buffet and I get my head shaved.... Thanks a lot Florida.

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McLovin - Don't thank Florida, thank the Zombies.

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So thanks Zombies you insufferable assholes. Now my husband is on high alert and thinks he needs to shave my head out of love to protect me. I had to hide the razors and slept with one eye open last night.

When I become a zombie the first face I'm eating off is that bitch next door who backed into my car.

Whose face are you going to snack on?

Lemon Rosemary Zucchini Bread

I'm posting something new this time.

This is an actual recipe that McLovin LOVES. It's really good and pretty easy to make.

Let me know if you would be interested in me posting more recipes! I hope you enjoy.

INGREDIENTS

3 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
2 Tbsp minced fresh rosemary
2 eggs
1/2 cup melted unsalted butter
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 teaspoons salt (omit if using salted butter)
1 1/4 cup sugar
1 Tbsp lemon zest
3 cups grated zucchini (from about 1 pound of zucchini)

STEPS

1 Preheat oven to 350F. Prepare two 4x9-inch loaf pans, either coating with butter or spraying with baking spray.

2 In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, and rosemary.

3 Beat the eggs in a mixer (or by hand) until frothy. Beat in the sugar. Beat in the melted butter and olive oil. Stir in the lemon zest and grated zucchini.

4 Add the dry ingredients to the wet, a third at a time, stirring after each incorporation.

5 Divide batter/dough into two loaf pans. Bake in a 350°F oven for 45 to 50 minutes. Test after 40 minutes. If you gently press down on the surface of the loaf, it should bounce back, and a bamboo skewer inserted into the center should come out clean.

6 Remove from the oven. Let cool for a few minutes and then remove the loaves from their pans to cool on a rack.

TIME BOMBS OF KNOWLEDGE

emails with McLovin

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Me -  I got a reminder on me outlook that I have to register my car... not sure when I put that memo in for myself but I must have been sure that I would forget without the reminder. Did I get anything in the mail for that???

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McLovin - Wow...look at that self managing. Pretty soon I'll be out of a job!*

Yes,  we did get a dmv reg mail the other day. I was going to take care of it since I have to go there to turn in my old plates. You'll have to sign the thingy though. That reminds me, I have to put the inspection extention sticker on Gumpert.**

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Me - I know... apparently I can be organized... I almost fell out of my chair I was so shocked when I got the memo from myself... I was all...

"Wow past self, thanks for looking out for future self and Gumpert... Please keep up the good work"

 It makes me wonder what other little time-bombs of knowledge I have planned for my future self.

 I wouldn't worry about being out of a job though... this type of organizing probably isn't a new leaf... more like... I had coffee that day and was feeling like being an eager beaver to make my future self feel bad about being a slacker.

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This whole exchange sort of reminded me of that movie The Lake House, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Which I actually never saw because I always thought the idea of a mailbox sending letters through time was sort of a dumb idea for a rom-com. Plus do I really need to spend two hours of my life waiting for Keanu and Sandy fall for each other again????

At least I used to think it was a dumb idea until I started sending memos to myself through time with outlook.  So now I don't know...

Maybe those Lake House people were on to something and time vortex mail boxes will be the new fad in internet dating since internet dating has become the new hot spot for "playas". It would kind of be like dating Russian Roulette because you stick your letter in and you don't know where the fuck it's going to end up. Which is probably why the postal system is in trouble. Who wants to be sending a check to their electric company just to get it hijacked by some possessed mailbox?

I mean, even if the end result is true love I'm pretty sure the electric company isn't going to be sympathetic to your single and lonely ass when they aren't getting paid and then have to turn off your electric as a lesson to you. So now people all over America will be finding true love through their mail but their utilities will be in a constant state of flux. Honestly it sounds like the business model needs work. And that's why you should only trust letters from the future if they come from yourself.  

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* McLovin manages my life. Without him I would forget to set my alarm for work, never remember to deposit paychecks, and forget to do things like eat lunch. My parents should probably thank him every day for keeping me alive.  I imagine without him I would probably end up looking like some kind of deranged recluse.

**Gumpert is the name of my car. He is the fastest car in the world masquerading as an unassuming compact SUV. Fear him. He will own you as we meander by at the speed of a June Bug on LSD.

MURDER

I witnessed straight up murder on my way into work today.

MURDER.

I was driving along... everything is lovely.

Look how blue the sky is!



Look at that fluffy cloud.



Look at the crisp green grass.



Oh look! An adorable fluffy bunny how cute. Spring really is in the air.

Then... Death rained down from above with talons of fear and carnage.



And the bunny was all...



And the next thing you know it was over and the hawk was jauntily flying off with his victim.

So that happened.

It was a hit and run.

But murder is murder no mater how small.

Gardening Tips

Gardening - It's yet another way I fail as a women... Below is an email exchange with one of McLovin's work colleague's who also happens to be an amazing gardener.

Observe.  

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McLovin - It's me at Nancy’s desk….actually in a conference room but whatever.   Nancy has 15 years of experience with gardening….she can help you out with tips and whatnot.

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Me - Oh my God! Nancy!!!!! I am the worst with planets...if I look at them they die!

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Nancy - It can’t be that bad! You  know what really works besides, fertilizer and watering…talking to them, caressing their petals showing them attention…I know it sounds totally weird, but it works.   Any tips you need or if you want me to stop by and help you with any planting just let me know.  It’s very relaxing for me…

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McLovin - BWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  Nancy molests her plants!

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Nancy - Don’t listen to him, it works because they are living things and believe it or not they have feelings and senses just like we do, well kind of different...but you know what I mean.

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McLovin - Plant Toucher.

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Nancy - I wouldn’t expect you to understand smart ass.   Look it up if you don’t believe me… 

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Me - I've heard of talking to them but I have never actually talked to them...I touched one once and the flower heads started falling off so I stopped...seriously I'm a disaster with planets...ask McLovin...1 hour after planting plants this year the things leaves were turning brown...

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Nancy - Well that's... unfortunate.  

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Mclovin -  Wow, nice pep talk Nancy.

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Nancy - I can't help the hopeless McLovin. 

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The truly sad part about this is I grew up in farm country.... Farms everywhere. Everyone is a farmer. During the summer I don't even buy produce from a store because you can get anything locally sold at roadside stands. One of our friends has even created a hybrid blueberry. I shit you not. He said "Fuck all these normal blueberries" and he created something new. Who does that? An overachiever that's who!

And this year I will be struggling to keep a cactus alive.... I've decided to go with an aloe plant. Then if people ask I can be all "I'm only growing things that are medicinal this year" like I'm some kind of gardening hipster. When in reality I am reading that aloe plant a bedtime story and tucking it in praying it doesn't shrivel up and die in a blaze of aloey glory. Say a prayer for my aloe plant. I have named him Al and he will need all the prayers he can get since he is basically sitting on death row.   

MOTHER'S DAY GIFT GUIDE!

Everywhere I look online there are helpful little Mother's Day gift guides. And they are full of the same boring crap people give Mom's every year.

For example:

1. Flowers! - Probably the #1 go to gift... You can pick up a bouquet anywhere including the grocery store but I always like the splurge for something with roots and preferably hard to kill. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Kind of like herpes but prettier and less contagious.

2. Wine - Mother's Day is the national holiday for Moms to get their drink on and pay tribute to their destroyed girly bits. Saggy boobs, stretch marks and incontinence if Helena Bonham Carter's pelvic floor is involved.

3.  Something Homemade - This can be anything. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I once painted a rock green and gave it to my Mom for Mother's Day as a paper weight... It is probably the shitiest paper weight you have ever seen but you would have thought that rock was made of solid gold the way my Mom displayed it proudly. They recently moved and she still has that rock. My point is you could probably give your Mom dirty socks and she would love them. Because they came from you... her little love spawn.

...yawn...

BUT luckily I am here with the best most brilliant gift ever for all you crafty motherfuckers out there...

BEHOLD!
*Also, if I had to guess this video is NSFW.

  

Seriously... If my Mom was impressed with a painted rock just wait until she gets a look at these! It's like the most anatomically correct cupcake ever you guys!

*Personally I suggest strawberry cake... It's fun, festive and delicious!