Monday, May 14, 2012

Gardening Tips


Gardening - It's yet another way I fail as a women... Below is an email exchange with one of McLovin's work colleague's who also happens to be an amazing gardener.

Observe.  
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McLovin - It's me at Nancy’s desk….actually in a conference room but whatever.   Nancy has 15 years of experience with gardening….she can help you out with tips and whatnot.

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Me - Oh my God! Nancy!!!!! I am the worst with planets...if I look at them they die!

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Nancy - It can’t be that bad! You  know what really works besides, fertilizer and watering…talking to them, caressing their petals showing them attention…I know it sounds totally weird, but it works.   Any tips you need or if you want me to stop by and help you with any planting just let me know.  It’s very relaxing for me…

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McLovin - BWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  Nancy molests her plants!

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Nancy - Don’t listen to him, it works because they are living things and believe it or not they have feelings and senses just like we do, well kind of different...but you know what I mean.

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McLovin - Plant Toucher.

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Nancy - I wouldn’t expect you to understand smart ass.   Look it up if you don’t believe me… 

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Me - I've heard of talking to them but I have never actually talked to them...I touched one once and the flower heads started falling off so I stopped...seriously I'm a disaster with planets...ask McLovin...1 hour after planting plants this year the things leaves were turning brown...

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Nancy - Well that's... unfortunate.  

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Mclovin -  Wow, nice pep talk Nancy.

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Nancy - I can't help the hopeless McLovin. 

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The truly sad part about this is I grew up in farm country.... Farms everywhere. Everyone is a farmer. During the summer I don't even buy produce from a store because you can get anything locally sold at roadside stands. One of our friends has even created a hybrid blueberry. I shit you not. He said "Fuck all these normal blueberries" and he created something new. Who does that? An overachiever that's who!

And this year I will be struggling to keep a cactus alive.... I've decided to go with an aloe plant. Then if people ask I can be all "I'm only growing things that are medicinal this year" like I'm some kind of gardening hipster. When in reality I am reading that aloe plant a bedtime story and tucking it in praying it doesn't shrivel up and die in a blaze of aloey glory. Say a prayer for my aloe plant. I have named him Al and he will need all the prayers he can get since he is basically sitting on death row.   



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