How You Know It's Time To Think About Moving...

When your neighbor backs their SUV into your parked car, then comes barreling out of the drivers side and  screams at you, calling you a Cunt...

Yup...

That right there...

Probably means it's time to think about moving.

I hope you had a better weekend than me :)

At least I have that life hurdle out of the way... There's really no where to go but up once you have been proclaimed a C You Next Tuesday. So I have THAT going for me. 

The Continued Saga of Wildlife, Drug Abuse and Infertility

Have you heard about these assholes?

Sure he might look cute and cuddly but that my friends is the face of a drug addict. Pretty much koala bears just sit around eating eucalyptus and having black out sex. I am not kidding.

Wildlife Black Out Sex.

I know what you're thinking... That doesn't sound so bad. It sounds kind of delightful. Who doesn't want to  get mellow and then wake up in a strange bed with mirrors on the ceiling, your panties on your head and unicorn spunk on the walls? In fact, that sounds like a pretty eventful afternoon.

Except you can't remember any of it.

Because you were high on eucalyptus.

And that cuddly koala left you with a little present.

Babies????

Ummmm no... this is an infertility blog remember.

Something much more sinister... Like Chlamydia.

Seriously...

Koala's have Chlamydia and now their entire population is in danger of becoming extinct because Chlamydia causes infertility. http://theweek.com/article/index/207316/are-stds-killing-koala-bears

So next time you're at the zoo and you see a cute koala on the corner and he hands you a baggy of crushed up leaves and tells you the first hit is free kick him in his furry nut sack and tell him you don't want to board his magical sex express even if it does include unicorns in thongs!

Just remember. If we all band together we can give infertility the middle finger. It will get us down but it won't beat us. We will never give up hope and we will never surrender!

So fuck you infertility and your little henchmen the koala bear! We're on to your games. And we aren't gonna take it!

We Are The Champions Motherfucker!
RIP - Freddy Mercury who died of AIDS...probably from a koala... because they are assholes like that.

PS - I'm posting this to my facebook because I battled infertility and came out on top. But it works even if you are still in the trenches because we are all champions and Mother Nature can go fuck herself!

2 AM WAKE UP

I have discovered that birds are awake and chirping at 2 am. 

WTF birds! It's not even close to sunrise.

Do you think birds get high and hallucinate that the moon is really the sun and then they're all, "Holy shit I overslept!" So they start chirping to play it off like they are totally cool and not high at all?

But then the older birds wake up and realize it's 2am and the fucking Mocking Jay is tripping balls again.

So they decide the neighborhood is obviously going to shit and they make a mental note to migrate somewhere different next year. Since Mocking Jays chirping at 2am obviously can't be trusted.

I can't be sure, but that is what I imagine is happening right now.

PS. - McLovin informed me that a Mocking Jay isn't a real bird. Apparently it is a fictional bird from the Hunger Games books. Which I have not had a chance to read yet.

Either way the type of bird wasn't really the issue. The issue is that the war on drugs has now reached the wildlife population and they are having a rave outside our bedroom window at 2am complete with glow sticks.

PPS - McLovin remains unimpressed with this news.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

It's no secret what I'll be doing this weekend!

Mmmmmmmmmmm Beefy! It's time to eat!

Enjoy your weekend!

HERE'S AN IDEA...

SHUT THE HELL UP!

I hate when men talk about child birth as if they know anything about it and it is no big deal.

FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOUR TALKING ABOUT. SHUT YOUR STUPID TRAP. FUCK YOU! THE END.

Rant Over...

almost...

Sorry.

A girl in my office just gave birth and txted a photo (of the baby not her destroyed vagina)... In the txt she said she had no time for an epidural. Which made me cringe and squeeze my legs shut...

My bosses response, who is a man obviously:
shrugs.
"Well no big deal, that happens all the time.  It's healthier for the baby anyway."

Oh really?

 

Here's an idea... How about if I rip off your balls and use them for a game of hacky sack... What's the big deal? You're done having kids right?

Fucking Asshat.

Ok rant is done for real this time.

MY EYE HAS WHAT???

So quick back story. Every few weeks I will wake up in the middle of the night to an itchy eye that has literally swollen shut. Just the one eye... never both. Always the same eye. Oddly this also happens to my oldest SIL and it started happening to both of us at around the same time.

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Email - From me to C

Listen...

I don't mean to alarm you but I had another eye flare up this morning... I did some research and it might be eye herpes. I shit you not this thing exists.

So three questions

1. When was your first episode of the eye swelling?

2. Have you had any luck finding out what it is?

3. Did our eye's get together for unprotected sex?

Seriously dude... WTF.

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 Email - From C to me

Sadly this made me laugh out loud.

First incident was last July.

My hairdresser also had. Maybe it was a threesome.

Why wouldn't our doctors tell us about this?

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Email - From me to C

Apparently our eyeballs are tramps.

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This gives eye-fucking a whole new meaning.

LIFEHACKING WITH McLOVIN

Do you know what you can do with a Dustbuster??? Vacuum out the toaster oven...

Your panties can drop any time now.