HOLIDAY WARS

So I can't be the only one that has noticed Christmas creeping into our stores earlier and earlier during the year... It has gotten to the point that Thanksgiving is almost a non-holiday.

Honestly Thanksgiving needs to revamp their PR. There is only so much positive marketing that can be done around a holiday that is based on the mass slaughter of delicious turkeys. Plus you have the whole Pilgrim / American Indian storyline that has gone from happy little meet and greet to attempted genocide of an entire race of people.

So for the past couple of years I have really felt bad for Thanksgiving... I sort of felt like Big Brother Christmas was getting all greedy for the attention. As if Christmas is the only holiday.

Over the weekend I stumbled upon some intel that leads me to believe Thanksgiving might be to blame for its own demise.  I know... hard to believe... But, put your helmets on and prepare to be shell shocked.

Whilst decorating the Christmas tree (The whole tree thank you, not "half tree"... McLovin tries to push for "half tree" every year which involves only putting up Christmas balls... and then the tree just looks naked and sad.) we were listening to Christmas music and I was shocked to hear a bunch of references to pumpkin pie... Which in my world is a fall / Thanksgiving treat... It is NOT a tasty Christmas treat... Christmas treats are gingerbread men, peppermint bark, press cookies, shit like that... Pumpkins do not play a part in winter time holiday festivities.

And I am talking classic Christmas toons too...

1. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree - "Rocking around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas spirit ring. Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie, and we’ll do some caroling."

2. Sleigh Ride - "There's a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy when they pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie."

And perhaps most shocking of all

3. There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays - "I met a man who lives in Tennessee, and he was headin’ forPennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie . . ."

I will give you a moment to get your shock under control...

Do you realize what this means????

Thanksgiving started the holiday wars! It fired the first shot heard round the yule log! And Thanksgiving didn't mess around either... It went right for the Holiday songs... Which means it went right for the celebrity endorsement... How can you not have pumpkin pie during Christmas when you have Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra telling you to take the plunge! It is unbelievable...

So of course Christmas had to fight back... and since the Singers and Crooners were all about Thanksgiving's pumpkin pie Christmas went after the retailers. And that's when Christmas started moving in on Thanksgiving's turf. It started off sneaky with Black Friday being right after Thanksgiving... and of course with the internet you get Cyber Monday too. But these days the retailers don't seem to give a rats ass about Thanksgiving at all. I saw Christmas stuff up during Halloween.

And I know what you thinking... What did Halloween do to deserve the shaft...???

Well let me tell you, Halloween did plenty. Do I need to remind you of a little gem Tim Burton wrote titled "The Nightmare Before Christmas"? Do you remember Santa getting kidnapped and tortured by Mr. Oogie Boogie Man? If that wasn't a thinly veiled threat to Christmas by the Hollywood elite I don't know what is. 

Seriously do you need more proof then this?

And we all know Halloween got paid off by Thanksgiving. Both holiday's take place in the fall... Singers are closely associated with Hollywood. The writing is on the wall people!

The Holiday Wars involving Christmas shitting on all the other holidays was instigated by Thanksgiving! End of story. We don't have to like it or support it. Lord knows seeing Christmas stockings for sale while buying Halloween candy makes my head want to explode. But at least now we know who started it!

DISNEY HAS RUINED MY CREDIBILITY

So I have an issue with the Disney.

They are fucking with my Aunt knowledge credibility.

Occasionally when I see my niece and nephew I like to feed them a healthy dose of bullshit to keep the whimsy meter up in their imaginations. Kids need whimsy... It is what makes the world go round in their little heads.

That, M&Ms and Ice cream...

I'm pretty sure my niece would gladly shank me for a bowl of chocolate ice cream.... And If M&Ms were on top, my life would be forfeit.... I don't trust the little one, my nephew, much either... He's a sweet kid, but I'm pretty sure his sister has shown him the dark side of the dairy queen and it is not pretty.

Either way, my niece is at the age where she likes the Disney Princesses... Any Princesses really, but everyone knows that the Disney Princesses are the créme de la créme.

The Disney Princesses are like high quality escorts compared to a regular off the street prostitutes...  Pretty much the same thing but one set has all the glamour, sparkle, and fancier accessories.

Probably about a year ago we were coloring together and I noticed she was coloring a Rapunzel picture... NOT Disney Rapunzel... Straight up 9th avenue $200 an hour regular Rapunzel. But she did have her standard Princess crown.

So I asked my niece what she knew about Princess Rapunzel... And she looked at me with big blue eyes and said... "Princess Rapunzel?!? She's not a real Princess."

I dare you to find a bigger opening for tom-foolery and whimsy... Opportunity knocked and I fucking answered that door with glee.

Of course I had to spin a tale about how Princess Rapunzel was ORIGINALLY part of the Disney Princess regime but she was kicked out for bad behavior.

What bad behavior you ask?

She apparently has a weakness for shellfish and she tried to eat Ariel's crab, the one who goes by the name of Sebastian.

Ariel of course found out about this and went to the other Princesses for backup. When you are part of a group you can't just go around eating people's sidekicks because they look delicious. That is bad manners.

So all the Princesses had a vote and they decided that no sidekick would be safe while Princess Rapunzel was part of the group. So they threw her ass out like dirty laundry.

And that is why Rapunzel was not a Disney Princess. She behaved badly and got booted down the ranks and had to become BFFs with Goldilocks. Who is a thieving little whore in case you forgot.

WELL... a few months later wouldn't you know I see a commercial on TV for the next Disney Movie...

Fucking "Tangled".

I mean really you guys? REALLY!

Disney was shitting on my face and all over my credibility! WTF Disney you backstabbing whores! I've seen your movies, I buy your toys for the kids in my life, I have even visited your theme parks!  You couldn't even wait a fucking year before kicking my story to the curb? The seed I had planted hardly had any time to grow.

The next time I saw my Niece she was onto my shenanigans. So I told her that the Princesses had been learning about forgiveness in Bible School and they decided to give Rapunzel and second chance.

I feel that the whole story is kind of weak now and I blame the Mouse House for the lame forgiveness theme ending!

And guess who my darling niece was for Halloween this year? Fucking Princess Rapunzel! It's pretty bad when your own niece sides with Mickey Mouse over you!

CARNIE'S ARE SENSUAL TOO Part 2

txts with McLovin

-----------------------------------------

McLovin: Did you talk to your Mom about this weekend? You don't want to get to their house at 9am if they are running around the house naked.

Me: OMG I'm emailing her now... I do not need to meet the house boy Juan.*

*Juan is my Dad's alter ego at home. He "becomes" Juan whenever he does domestic chores around the house. It is pretty disturbing because I think the House Boy Juan likes to bang the Boss Lady... Who would be my Mom. While it's great that they are still happy and boning in their 60's, I don't need to take part in their fantasies. Whenever I call their house and my Dad answers with a Spanish accent it makes my ears bleed and a part of my soul shrivels up to cry in a corner.

McLovin: hmmm Maybe we need characters to accompany our dirty talk... I know a cat named Eduardo.

Me: Did you just give my lady garden a boys' name?

McLovin: No. Remember Eduardo? The Hurricane of Love.

Me: I remember the Hurricane of Love Eduardo but you said a cat named Eduardo. So I was wondering who that was and weather I was high on Nyquil when I met him.

McLovin: No. He's a cooool cat. A Spanish Hipster.

Me: I see. This is good. It means we are drifting away from our dirty talk involving carnies. I didn't want to dress up like the Yak Woman.

McLovin: I was going to be the pixy dust spreader on the tilt-a-whirl.

Me: You can spread my pixy dust anytime. wink wink

McLovin: So we're back to the carnie games?

Me: Damn It!

WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

GHOST HUNTERS            

Have you ever seen that show Ghost Hunters? 

It's on the Syfy network. Basically two main guys, Jay and Grant,  and their team go to "haunted" places looking for proof of Ghosts... The try to catch things on film and audio on tapes to bring back to the people who called for their "help."

Sometimes there is creepy stuff... but usually it is just them walking around in the dark after "weird noises".... They do a flashlight trick where they have the "ghost" turn the flashlight on and off to answer questions... 

If McLovin and I happen to catch the show we like to spend the time discussing what we would do if we were Ghost Hunters... And we have determined that we would probably get kicked off the show.

Because honestly the show is just a lame under budget version of Ghostbusters... Probably one of the greatest movies ever made. But don't fall alseep to the DVD... the theme song plays on repeat and that shit gets annoying!

So Below are the top Ten thing we would steal from Ghostbusters to get kicked off the Ghost Hunters Show:

1. humming the Ghostbusters theme song into the vents so the sound carries throughout the building being investigated...  There is debate on whether we would end the tune with Ghostbusters or Ghost Hunters... Since both are the same number of syllables and conveniently start with Ghost. 

2. When they do their little flashlight trick saying "Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance."

3. Saying: OK, who brought the dog? Before slamming into a wall and wailing in terror.
(Apparently they have now added a dog to the team... cause you know, dog's are better at picking up on paranormal shit. It would also be imperative to slam into a wall in terror EVERY time we saw the dog.)

5. After spotting a suspicious "shadow":  "What we have here is what we call a non-repeating phantasm, or a class-5 free roaming vapor" (cause when you are wondering around a dark building at night with flashlights and a camera crew the last thing you are going to see is weird shadows)

6. Claiming to have seen a cockroach big enough to "bite your head off."

7. Blowing our noses in petri dishes and handing them in as evidence of paranormal activity.

8. Running around tasering the rest of the "team" and claiming to be "studying the effect on negative reinforcement on ESP ability."  

9. Splashing each other with a glass of water and writhing around on the floor yelling that we've been slimed.

10. Throwing lit marshmallows at people's heads while screaming "The Destructor COOOOOOMES!"

Personally, I think the Ghost Hunters show has gotten a little stale and these kinds of antics would at least distract the viewers from the fact that you are basically watching middle-aged adults wander around buildings after the sound of footsteps for an hour.

So, Happy Halloweeny everyone!

And remember.... If someone asks you if you're a God, you Say YES!

CARNIE'S ARE SENSUAL TOO Part 1

txts with McLovin

-----------------------------------------

McLovin:
What do you want for dinner? Meatloaf of meatballs?

Me:
meatballs

McLovin:
Oh yeah, I'm gonna stick my balls in your mouth

Me:
really?
You skipped warming up the oven and went straight for hitting me in the face with a salami. Nice.

McLovin:
Pervy jokes are warming up the oven. That's as close to dirty talk as I am going to get

Me:
Me too. I think I would hurt myself laughing if I tried to talk about your throbbing member with a straight face.

McLovin:
I'd have to take my glasses off for dirty talk. That's serious business.

Me:
See I'm already giggling like a little idiot.

McLovin:
I can't wait to see you...

Naked

Me:
Seriously Stop. People at work are looking at me.

McLovin:
It's because they know you're in for the ride of your life.
The scrambler.

Me:
The scrambler? really? Not the Zipper?

McLovin:
The Zipper is too obvious.

Me:
So I guess being a Snake Charmer is out.

McLovin:
No but you could be a sword swallower.

Me:
Wait... Are we really using carnies in our dirty talk?

McLovin:
It always comes back to the carnies.

GUESS WHAT?

Remember how I wrote about the IUI... Well we got the results. and.... drumroll

We're Pregnant!

I know I should have told you sooner... But I have been feeling very guilty about it.

We are super excited. It doesn't even feel real. Especially when you have a lab calling to tell you the good news in a monotone voice. I felt a little James Bond-ish getting a secret message. Plus, I'm afraid to pee on the magic stick and find out this is all a cosmic joke. So That's where we are with that.

I feel guilty because I know there are so many people out there still struggling to get a BFP and now I feel like I am abandoning everyone. I'm not even sure what to do with the blog. I have been writing about infertility and other random things to make people laugh while dealing with the limbo of trying to get pregnant. Now I feel like a trader. I don't want to be on here talking about the pregnancy and depressing people.

So I don't know what to do. I am open to suggestions. I can continue to write random, hopefully funny, crap to amuse the masses. Or I can jump off a bridge for being a no good trader.

I do want to say thank you to all the people who have been reading my blog and leaving comments. I really have appreciated  all of you and it helped me to think I was making people laugh through a fucked up situation.

I know I haven't been good about responding to comments. I always want to, but then I feel weird. I'm a shy person in the real world and apparently that has spilled into the cyber world too. I can write my thoughts and have them out there but interact with other people online? Eeeek. Which is pretty stupid if you think about it.

PDA

Also, on a completely different topic... The rain date for the Rapture which was originally scheduled for May 21 is this Friday, October 21. I'm not sure on the time. It seems like the campaign to save our dirty souls fizzled out when the last date was a bust. So I will estimate the time to be the same: 6pm EST. Please click this link for Zombie survival tips.

Or Click Here to learn how to wash away your sins and earn a golden ticket to the pearly gates.

It would be just my luck for biblical shit to get real now that I'm pregnant. Will the cosmic jokes never end? FU Mother Nature!        

I Think Betty White is my new Hero!

I never thought of it this way, but you know what... She's right.
Guy's are a bunch of wusses.
Hell hath no fury like an angry growler!