TWO THINGS

#1
Has anyone seen this article????
http://jobs.aol.com/articles/2011/08/31/new-studies-look-at-the-challenge-of-being-the-ugly-worker/?icid=maing-grid7|main5|dl6|sec3_lnk2|91576
The Question: Should civil society protect the ugly???

Really? Is this what is being studied these days? Shouldn't we be spending our time curing cancer or feeding the hungry or something?

I apologize if you got beat down with the ugly stick but come on. Suck it up buttercup. Everyone gets fat, old and wrinkly... consider being fugly early a head start on the downhill slide from youth. Unless of course you look at those mummified botox freaks... That shit isn't natural. Eventually the botox will reach their brains and that's where zombies come from.

And relax this news isn't coming from a perfect 10... I have a bulbous forehead that would probably be considered attractive back in the day when women shaved their hairlines, but today is called a "10 head". I come from a short round people who like to eat and drink and make merry. Kind of like hobbits but without the hairy feet.

#2
I learned some new British slang!!!! And it is glorious!
(This word is brought to you by Top Gear... who knew McLovin's fascination with a British car show could pay off.)

Growler - British slang for a woman's hairy beaver... as in Earth Momma Muff... I am so excited by this new term I feel like I should grow out my lady garden in celebration!

Supposedly it isn't a very complimentary term but I say we take the word back! For example... next time McLovin gets sassy with me I can say...

"Keep it up and I'll sic my Growler on you!"
"You want to mess with me??? POW .... Growler... In Your Face!"
"You better watch your tone, my Growler is feeling confrontational!"

What will your Growler say? 

Also... in honor of Growlers everywhere... this NSFW video... Spread the word!

THIS COULD BE GOOD NEWS... OR BAD NEWS

OK peeps.

I was raised Catholic. I'm not sure why but it turns out a lot of Christians don't like Catholics... Something about us not worshiping properly or being all Holier than thou... idk... to be honest I'm not a very good Catholic. In fact I "converted" to not really worshiping at all in an organised setting. Which obviously makes me a bad Catholic/Christian and a dirty sinner. Plus, my marriage isn't recognized by the church since it wasn't on sanctioned ground so McLovin and I have been bonking our way to the fiery gates of hell for awhile now.

But Folks.... if you, like I, are headed straight to eternal damnation fear not... I have stumbled upon salvation for us all! And no worries, I'm not gonna get all Bible Thumpy on you :)


Unfortunately, if you are super religious this news might shock you.... Please turn away now. 


OK.... Are you ready for your pants to be knocked off  through the power of Jesus????

I FOUND A LOOP HOLE!!!!!!!

That's right... We can ALL get into Heaven! But seriously you guys, we need to keep this intel on the down low or every asshole in the universe will make it into heaven and that would be a buzzkill! 

This news is brought to us by a "friend" on facebook! Who would have thought social media could save our souls?

Apparently over the weekend this "friends" Mom baptized her husband who then baptized her... So now they are all saved....

Now I always thought you needed to go to a professional to wash away your sin and that you could only get washed and rinsed into purity once in your life. So really isn't it wasted on a baby who's only real sin at that point is "original sin", thanks Eve you gullible temptress. But it turns out God has secretly licensed us all to save everyone and you can do it whenever your feeling frisky!

Now I haven't gotten all the details yet but I think all you need is a little water and you should be all set. In fact every time you take a shower your sort of  performing a religious miracle. Cleanliness really is next to godliness... who knew?

Looks like I just saved you all from an eternity of damnation.... You're Welcome. 

Ten on Tuesday

http://rootsandrings.com does a 10 on Tuesday every week. And since my real blog post isn't ready yet I thought I would post my answers. Enjoy and feel free to answer on your own blog! 

1. Mac or Windows? (Or Linux for you super geeks!)
Both but mostly Windows.
(Sorry to all you Mac fans but they are over rated... and news flash they do get viruses... I am sorry if you have drunk the Apple Kool-aid but it's true. Mac's are not all that and a bag of chips.)

2. What drew you to that operating system?
One of the main programs I have to use for work is a Windows only program... I could go through the trouble of running a virtual PC on the Mac but that sort of defeats the purpose of the Mac... So yeah. 

Also Virtual PC's suck... I once had to make VMware my bitch because it decided to get all cocky with me. sooooooo I got THAT going for me.  

3. Mice – Wireless or Wired? Mouse pad or none?
Wired... and my mouse likes to freeball it thank you very much. 

4. Other than the Internet – What do you use your computer most for?
Food Porn... You would not believe the shit that is out there.... seriously.

5. What’s one computer-related thing you wish you were better at? (CSS, Photoshop, Excel, etc.)
 Zuma... I mean honestly that little frog bastard needs to spit those balls out faster! It totally ruins my zen when I'm on a hot streak and he decides to punk out on me. 

6. Describe the first time you ever used a computer.
It was a disaster... I tried to plug the keyboard into the mouse hole... resulting in my brother telling me I was a dumbass... now can I build a RAID server and terminate my own CAT5.... and I am not a IT tech. I'm actually a designer so if you're mean to me I will make it look like you have a penis for a nose. You have been warned. You would think my blog page would be all fancy and shit but you know what they say "cobbler's kids have no shoes"

7. How often do you upgrade to a new operating system?
Usually when a new one comes out I upgrade my work PC... But I have multiple PCs/Macs in my office with multiple operating systems... I'm like a computer hoarder... Buried Alive 

I have never watched this show but I have heard rumors that scare me... Like someone finding a dead cat buried under newspapers... A. How is this possible? and B. Doesn't it smell???? 

8. Are you a short-cutter (CTRL+C) or a right-clicker?
Short Cuts... right clicking is for pansies.

9. Is computer-use a constant thing in your life (such as using it both at work and home) or do you get a break (because you don’t use them at work)?
I'm about 6 months away from having a USB port surgically inserted into my neck... Johnny Mnemonic your cyberpunk ass is soooo 90's.

10. Where do you think the world would be if personal computers did not exist?
I imagine it being like the land of OZ... but with Umpa Lumpas instead of Munchkins. If I only had a Brain... or a baby. I'm not picky. And seriously, if the man behind the curtain could give the tin man a heart I feel like stealing someones baby would be cake. Am I right?

BOO BEES

The other night I was sitting at the kitchen table talking to McLovin when he took his index finger and shoved it between my boobs into my cleavage and started giggling like a little idiot.

Me: Really?

McLovin: What?....... They were asking for it...

Me: You know that's what rapists say...

McLovin: So.... your saying I'm a booby rapist?   

PS - I know I have been MIA for awhile.... I really have no excuse. Sometimes I just flake out. But thanks for bearing with me :)

PIMP MY BROCCOLI

This is how dinner is decided in our house:

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McLovin: Thoughts on dinner? Would you want salad or are you still scared of Romaine lettuce?  We could have grilled chicken and baked potatoes?

This was during the romaine lettuce  e coli outbreak... You know where e coli lives? In your butt... That means the romaine lettuce was really butt lettuce. Nothing makes a salad fresher then a side of butt bacteria.

Me: Grilled chix... baked potatoe and broccoli... mmmmmm sold!

McLovin: Ummm broccoli?  Who said anything about broccoli?  Unless of course you mean taking the broccoli, mashing it up with the potatoes and some chez and then placing it back into the baked shell...that would be OK.  With some bacon bits on top.

Me: Why are you ruining my broccoli... it's a perfectly respectable veggie and then you have to go and whore it out by slathering it in cheese and bacon...

McLovin: If you want me eating this "perfectly respectable veggie" then it'll be whored out in cheesy bacon goodness.

Me: I don't think the Jolly Green Giant would appreciate your intentions.

McLovin: You know it sounds good...and technically the only "bad" thing is the bacon.  And that's debatable.  Bacon is healthy in 90% of America's eyes.  True story...I have a keyboard in front of me that I typed it on so it must be true.

Me: It's still dressing the broccoli up to be all fancy like a $5 hooker just so unsuspecting people will nibble on her yummy goodness... only instead of just giving you vitamins she also passes on the added salt and fat from the bacon and cheese... aka food herpes.

McLovin: Mmmmmm food herpes are delicious.

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For your broccoli entertainment... I'm choppin BroccoLi!

DEEP THOUGHTS WITH MCLOVIN

"The dermatologist checks out my derm the same way the gynecologist checks out your gyn..."

I have come to the conclusion that when we have kids they are going to have some seriously screwed up ideas about the way the world works... and which doctors to see for which parts.

MY FERTILITY BLOG IS ANTI CHILDREN???

So apparently you can go to a website and type in your URL and see what your blog is rated. Pretty cool right! You can try it with your blog with this link: http://www.oneplusyou.com/bb/blog_rating

It turns out My blog is rated NC-17... Patently Adult. Children Are NOT Admitted.

 NC-17... That's worse than R.... Really? 

I mean I knew I wasn't posting stuff you would read to a kid at bedtime but NC-17??? That's one step away from X and X = porn.

And by using the word porn (shit now I used it twice) I probably pushed my blog over the edge.... X rating here we come!

I got this rating for using the following words:

zombie (10x) - Really? The apocalypse was coming... What word was I supposed to use? Plus, I was giving helpful tips for survival.  

ass (6x) - Ass? But, it's just another word for a donkey...

dick (4x) - well... ok. maybe I could have used another word... a more PC word... fine.

anal (3x) - I don't even remember using this word... weird.

whore (2x) -   hmmmmmm. OK I did use this word. I can see that it could be offensive. But I'm pretty sure I was talking about dead women so how offended could they be?

bastard (1x) - I feel like bastard shouldn't rank higher than words like shit or fuck... right? Because I know I have used those words... Come to think of it, why is ass worse than shit and fuck???  I think someone needs to get their priorities straight.

I mean, ok, when you string the words together it does sound pretty bad: zombie, ass, dick, anal, whore, bastard.... it's kind of like a rough storyline for a necrophilia X rated movie.

But really.... this is just a fertility blog to make people laugh when they are feeling down about life.

I didn't realize infertility was so racy.

What did your blog get rated?