"NATURALLY PREGNANT"

OK I'm not real big into celebrities and their private lives, but in recent years babies have become the new "it" thing...

Kind of like when Paris Hilton made it ok for EVERYONE to walk around with a sweater wearing Chihuahua in their purse. Except babies are a lot more permanent... (and they grow up to write tell all books!!!!)

The problem with celebrities and their babies for me is that everyday people look at celebrities as "role models". (Plus, what is up with the names... Apple? Coco? These are foods not baby names! I'm coo coo for Coco Coxs!)

In recent years there have been a few Celebrities that have been very honest about their struggles with infertility. I applaud them for their honesty because I know how hard infertility can be and telling the entire world your infertile trumps me telling my mother. (not something I am looking forward to.)

So when Mariah Carrey (41) and her husband announced they were having twins I didn't really care.... until they said they conceived naturally... That's when my bullshit meter went off.

Here's the thing... after the age of 40 your chances of conceiving naturally are below 50%... and she didn't just conceive one baby "naturally"... she conceived twins. I'm not saying ALL twins are the product of fertility treatments... but some are... and after the age of 40 if your popping out twins I'm gonna jump to the infertile - conclusion.

Now if Mariah Carrey and her husband didn't want to tell the world that they struggles with infertility I would be cool with that. But don't lie about it. Because that makes everyday people get the wrong idea about fertility. Just say "making babies is hard work and it paid off in the end." Done.

Some of you reading this might think I'm being judgmental or bitchy (I'm on fertility drugs sooooo yeah I would go with option B...) but sometimes in celebrity land things aren't always what they seem...

Remember Britney Spears and her famous virginity?  Did you catch her 18 year old butt in the 2000 MTV Video Music Awards strip dancing to "Did it Again"... I mean shit, she says right in the song "I'm not that innocent." And then a year later performing "Slave For You"???  I'm sorry, when a 19 year old is dancing on stage sexually molesting a python and wearing a harem outfit I feel like it's a natural step to question the status of her v-card.

Fun Fact: One night I literally got in a drunken argument with a roommate in college who adamantly stood by Britney's V-Card status... (And can I note that Britney's own mother outed her in a tell all book. Britney lost her "innocence" at the tender age of 14... Thanks Momma Spears!) My roommate was also a virgin... so I can see why she held onto that myth like a wolverine on heroin. But just because you're holding onto your own personal innocence doesn't mean you have to believe a harlot dressed in stripper shoes.

Speaking of jail bait in stripper shoes... Did anyone see Miley Cyrus taking a spin on a stripper pole whilst singing "Party in the USA" during the Teen Choice awards... (She even has a shout out to Britney in the song... I didn't even realize until I went to youtube to check out the clip... it was like Miley knew I would write this blog one day and gave me a present you guys!) If Miley goes on the record that she is a virgin I will be giving her the stink eye too. (Also, did anyone catch Billy Ray standing and clapping after Miley's pole dance??? So Proud. Hello Billy... you're supposed to keep your daughter OFF the pole... epic fail.)

OK so this blog went WAY off topic... The point is, Mariah can say whatever she wants and we don't have to believe her... It's great for people who can "naturally" get pregnant with twins at 40 plus... Kinda like the celebs that hate working out, eat anything they want, and still have rock hard abs, a tight ass, and wear a size 2. Just because celebrity's say something doesn't mean we have to believe it.

*This entire blog is my two cents and should not be considered factual. I am not a doctor and I don't personally know Mariah, Britney and/or Miley. But if they are reading this...

Hey Ya'll... Liar Liar pants on fire!    

LUBE IT UP.... LIKE BUTTA

Obviously making a baby isn't going so well... I keep pouring over websites and forums looking for that magic formula that will equal a baby. And I have happened upon a very weird discovery...

First off... lube is bad for sperm. (relax, that's not the weird part) Apparently, there is a huge group of people out there using kitchen ingredients as sperm friendly lube. Specifically raw egg whites and canola oil.

I'll give you a minute to digest that info...

Raw egg whites and canola oil.... as lube... meaning putting it inside your vagina (!?!?!?!?!?!)

Now maybe I'm just really conservative, but something doesn't sound right about putting ingredients to my favorite Sunday morning breakfast up my hey-nanu-nanu in order to lube up for a hot beef injection. It just seems wrong to me... And worse it has put me off my favorite Sunday morning breakfast. And a girls gotta eat. (it's not like I'm doing anything else useful, like growing a baby.)

So after happening upon this discovery I have been pondering what would possess someone to stuff some culinary goodness up their cooter. This is probably not what Tom Colicchio has in mind when he talks about respect for raw ingredients. Or maybe it is... he does have a couple of kids. hmmmmmm.... In fact... according to AOL his wife just popped out baby number 3. (the bitch!)

Canola Oil

Let's start with the lesser of the two weird lubes... canola oil.

I suppose this isn't a huge leap from regular lube. I have quite a few guy friends and they always seemed to have a little too much fondness for the kitchen oil section at the grocery store. Apparently, a little Pure Wesson on a lonely night is quite the cure for the blues.

The leap from personal pleasure to fertility treatment probably happened in the kitchen. You know how frisky some guys get after a good meal and who wants to run upstairs for the Astroglide when the good old fashioned cooking oil is right there. Wham Bam thank you Mam and 9 mths later the baby arrives. (if you live in a fairy tale.)

Plus, Canola oil is a hell of a lot cheaper than those store bought lubes. So this might also have come about with people too cheap to buy the real stuff.  You can buy 48 oz of store brand Canola Oil for the bargain price of $2.99 where as a 5 oz tube of Astroglide will run you about $12.00.... So for those of you on a budget Canola Oil is purely economical.

Egg Whites

This one is a lot harder for me to rationalize.... Egg whites. 

When I look at raw egg whites I don't get all hot and bothered and my panties don't drop. In fact the process of even getting the egg whites is sort of f*cked up... think about it.

Your taking an unborn chicken fetus, cracking the shell, separating the part that would have been a baby chick (The yellow) from the part that would provide protection and some nourishment (the whites)... So while you're not shoving unborn baby chicken fetus inside you.... you're a little too close for comfort.

Apparently the first thing you do is allow the egg whites to come to room temp. Which makes sense... Hello shrinkage! Plus... putting something cold in your playground can't be good for sexy time.

Once they are room temp you have to get them in there... Which seems like a logistical nightmare to me but I have come up with a few options. (Cause that's the kind of girl I am... your welcome)

1. You could stand on your head and have your guy pour them in. (which would involve you telling him that he is about to bone both you and a chicken fetus... but if he's into bestiality maybe this would be a turn-on?)

2. You could use a handy turkey baster.  (The Turkey Baster... uni-tasker no more! Take THAT Alton Brown!)

3. Or do you just go at it in the shower so you can rub it all over everything and boink like bunnies. (This has the "easy cleanup" bonus... BUT I feel like good "conceiving" positions are limited in the shower... McLovin and I literally almost killed each other trying to get fancy during shower time... Kama Sutra Bingo was NOT meant for the shower.)

Now there are LOTS of people who have tried this and swear it works... But I think I'll pass. I would not be able to relax. (#1 recommendation for getting prego in case you live under a rock) I think the words salmonella or animal cruelty would be flashing through my mind. Plus, I'm pretty sure I would never look at eggs the same way again.

*Pre-Seed is the store bought FDA approved magical lubricant of the conception Gods... If you look at the reviews it practically impregnates you without a sperm donation... So fear not ladies and get ready for some "Seriously Fun Baby-Making" (This must be the slogan because it is in quotes all over the website... it makes baby making seriously fun you guys!) 

FAMOUS INFERTILES IN HISTORY!

Catherine de Medici • Devil Worshiper & Infertile

Thank god it's the year 2011 and not the 16th century.

In historical times not producing a child (weather it was the women or man's fault) could result in the man legally putting his wife aside. Legally my husband could get rid of me as "bad stock" and moved on to younger and more fertile pastures.

Probably one of the most famous infertile women in history was Catherine de Medici. She married Henry II and failed to produce children for over a decade. Since this was during a time when producing a child was a women's soul duty I doubt her "career"* was getting in the way. If 1 year equals infertility now I think 10 years would more than qualify her back then.

(*Someone actually suggested this was the reason McLovin and I have failed to produce children. Apparently my career is the problem... not my uterus.**

**Also, this person doesn't know we are even trying... They just warned me to not let my "career" get in the way. And I shit you not air quotes were used when they said "career"... As if the place I spend 10 hours a day is a fun little hobby.)

It's rumored that she tried all sorts of wacky shit to get pregnant too. Kind of like what infertiles do today when we drink random tea, eat pineapple core or take swigs of Robitussin to try and get healthy cervical mucus... The difference is Catherine was hard core... she put the capital X in Xtreem conception.

According to sources, Catherine de Medici used tarot cards, charms and alchemy to try and get pregnant. She also got the nasty reputation for being a devil worshiper.

1.  They say she drank the urine of pregnant animals. (ummmm ewwwww, but at least its sterile?)

2. She consumed powdered sexual organs of some animals (!?!?!? How pissed would you be if you were a particularly well hung horse and someone came along a lobbed off your member in order to powder it so some Queen could get prego? Plus, it kind of scares me that there was even a market for this type of thing.)

3. Or to switch it up she tried the blood of a hare and the left hind paw of a weasel mixed with vinegar. (I'm sure the Vinegar really helped add a nice balance to the remedy. Nothing cuts through some good ol fashioned weasel and hare blood like a splash of vinegar.)

4. And my favorite cure: She also supposedly drank a mixture of unicorn horn and ivory in water. (You hear that? Bitch killed some unicorns!)

In the end Catherine was successful and had 10 children.

(I bet some of you are looking at that list again huh... I mean if you hold your nose how bad could pregnant cow pee taste? Am I right?

Also, everyone knows unicorns taste like marshmallows and sunshine. I say we kill one and eat the whole thing. How many burgers do you think we could get out of one unicorn? And since mythological creatures don't really count as meat this is a vegan option too! Some one fire up the grill! )

These days instead of seeing magicians we go see the Reproductive Endocrinologist so we can choke down some pills, stab ourselves with needles, and display our ying-yang for the world to see. Hopefully we will all be as successful as Catherine de Medici. If not

I'm going unicorn hunting!

***UPDATE:*** I just saw the video for Ke$ha's "Blow" (don't judge me! I assailed my ear holes for the greater good!) and I found the MOTHER LOAD of unicorns... seriously you guys.... we need to set up a sting operation to find her evil lair and get our hand on these unicorns! Also, (spoiler alert) I'm not eating the one that kissed Ke$ha... I know her whole "dirty" thing is probably an act but I'm not taking any chances with tainted magical goodness! LET'S DO THIS!  

BILLYGOATS

I'm pretty convinced that my uterus is in my body inside out and backwards, and there might be a Billy Goat named Gus living in there.   

The only sure fire way to find out what kind of dysfunctional uterus one has is to go and get an ultrsound.... along with a trans-ultrasound. Sounds like fun huh?

The ultrasound is pretty basic. It's a technique used to visualize muscles, tendons, and many internal organs, to capture their size, structure and any pathological lesions with real time topographic images. The worst part about the test is your bladder has to be full and then the sadist technician pushes on it with the imager and takes pictures of your insides from the outside.

The Transvaginal ultrasound is a type of pelvic ultrasound. It is used to look at a woman's reproductive organs, including the uterus, ovaries, cervix, and vagina. Transvaginal means across or through the vagina. The fun part about this one is you get to have an empty bladder... YAY... but then they shove a wand with a camera on it up your cooter... ummmm yay?...

(side note... I was humming The Vapors 'Turning Japanese' the whole time because the song says "I want a doctor to take your picture So I can look at you from inside as well"... It's a pretty catchy song. I bet your humming it to yourself right now. Your welcome.)

(side side note: Did you know this song is about masturbation? Seriously... that's what they mean when they say "I think I'm turning Japanese"... Of course on a VH1 special The Vapors said the song was a love song about someone who lost their girlfriend and was going slowly crazy. I'm not buying it though... You know they just got older and didn't want to be known for writing a *masturbation song*. Perverts)

Anyway I transgress....

Now I know that even if I got pregnant I would have to go through with these tests... But the fact of the matter is your naked from the waist down and my Technician could have won a staring contest against Hitler.

I'm not saying I need to be wined and dined... but would a smile and introduction be too much? I just told you I'm fertilely challenged and that's why your taking pics of my pathetically empty uterus... Could I get a pep talk? Anything? Nothing? No? OK well image away.

The first test wasn't so bad... I wasn't depants yet and besides holding my bladder so I didn't wee-wee all over the table it went pretty smoothly. Miss Atilla-the-hun took about a zillion pics and sent me on my way to the bathroom.

The next test was more interesting.... first I took my pants off and got on the table to wait for the technician to come back. (kind of like the beginning of a porno but really not as much fun. Bow chicka wah waaaaaaaaah) When she came back she had a wand in her hand the length of my hand/forearm... hmmmmm....

shits about to get real personal.

Next she proceeded to roll a condom onto the wand...

Nice to know I'm about to have protected sex and I am now fully safe from contracting an STD from the dick-wand.

Miss Atilla-the-hun then lubed the dick-wand with an excessive amount of lube... I supposed I should be grateful, this shows she was at least trying to avoid unnecessary chafing with the dick-wand.

 Then she handed me the wand and told me to "stick it in". And can I note here that still there wasn't even a hint of a smile... really???.... really...am I the only one with the mind of a 12 year old boy?

Now... I had no idea how far "in" the dick-wand needed to go... and I didn't want to appear to lust after the dick-wand... So I just sort of casually slid it in about a centimeter and said "ok now what?"

Miss Atilla-the-hun technician was not amused.

Miss Atilla-the-hun - "Farther"

me... a few more centimeters "ok how about now?"

Miss Atilla-the-hun - "Farther"

me... a few more centimeters and feeling creeped out...."?"

Miss Atilla-the-hun - "Just keep pushing and I'll tell you when to stop..."

me..."alrighty"

Miss Atilla-the-hun - "farther... farther.... farther...."

At this point I must have given her a pleading look cause she took pity on me.

Miss Atilla-the-hun - "farther... sigh ok I guess that's good."

Miss Atilla-the-hun then proceeded to swivel dick-wand around in my poonan taking a ton of up-close-and-personal pics of my insides... She never said a word... and the more pics she took the more nervous I got... I mean What is there to take that many pics of? And then it occurred to me...

OMG... do you see Gus? Is he in there? If he is in there can you signal to him to move the fuck along so I can have a human baby instead of a Billy Goat living in my uterus? Damn it... I knew I shouldn't have made a donation to PETA... Now fucking Billy Goats think Uteruses are safe havens from Trolls....  

After about 5 minutes of Miss Atilla-the-hun acting like the uterus paparazzi she abruptly removed dick-wand... Apparently happy endings are not part of the Transvaginal ultrasound package. She then informed me that someone would call me with my results.

So then I was left waiting for the doc to call me and tell me the bad news... that I will never have children because instead there is an asshole goat using my uterus as his own personal fort.

PS - For those that are wondering... everything looked clear... But everyone knows Billy Goats are crafty. So I still suspect Gus is in there.

PPS - Also, I feel that the whole transvaginal experience would be enhanced if the dick-wand vibrated. Someone needs to work on that.  

CRAIGS LIST

I have decided to take out a craiglist ad:

Vacant Uterus seeking viable egg*

no sperm donor needed.
Please call 555.867.5309.

Available for 9 mth rental.

Cozy warm Uterus features:

• Stainless steel ovaries
• Recently remodeled fallopian tubes
• Decorative endometrium
• Smoke free
• Mostly alcohol free
• Complete with sperm, with sassy attitude and ready to mingle...

*Sorry no pets or polyps allowed.

Call for your personal tour. Ask about our TWW satisfaction guarantee!

INFERTILE OR SUPERHERO???

I have decided that being infertile is sort of like being a superhero... Really. I'm not kidding.

Let's look at the facts.

1. Remaining anonymous is very important.

Superheroes don't go walking down the street announcing to the world that they have super powers. If they did that, they would never be able to live a normal life.

If your cat got stuck at the top of a tree would you call the fire department? Hell no! You would walk next door and tell Superman to fly his butt up the tree to save the day. (And if he could update his wardrobe that would be great... The red banana-hammock look is so over.)  

Well, just like a superhero, I don't go walking down the street shouting that I'm infertile. I mean babies? Who wants a baby? They smell funny and would totally cramp my lifestyle. Publicly I am totally fine with my non-baby status.

2. Superheroes have Super Powers...

Some superheroes can fly, others have telepathic abilities, and some have kick-ass equipment. I mean seriously, if Batman can buy his way into the superhero world with a fast car and some high-tech gadgets, then my screwed up reproductive system is a free pass. Also, Batman, that fancy car... we know your compensating... size doesn't matter... really... Stop stuffing your jock-strap and go get bit by a radioactive spider.

My super power? I am impervious to sperm. Tons of women out there are paying good money to be on the pill, for what my body does naturally. Plan B? No thanks... my girly bits have me covered. I think of my ovaries as man hating feminists. Every time McLovin and I have sexy time my ovaries are secretly having a bra-burning party in my fallopian tubes.

Or maybe it's more devious than that. Maybe all of McLovin's spermies are really evil spawn. My superheroing abilities are so fine tuned that I kill super-villains before they are even born. Suck-it Dr. Doom... I'll wipe out your entire family if you wanna tango with my poo-nanny.

3. Have at least one Supervillian... a team of villains is better.

The X Men are a team of Superheroes lead by Professor Xavier and they have an archenemy Magneto and his Brotherhood of Mutants. obviously much war and mayhem is made by all. And of course the day is always won by a collective group of Superheroes. Wouldn't it be awesome if fertility worked the same way?

I have an archenemy too... Her name is Mother Nature and she is a real bitch. Mother Nature also has a posse of cronies, hell bent on thwarting my pregnancy attempts. She's big pimping and likes to roll deep with the Karma Police, Aunt Flow, her little dog spot, and of course Dr. Killjoy. I am hoping that good will prevail and I will be able to win the war, even if I seem to be losing all of the battles.

4. Have an alter ego...

Every good superhero has an alter ego. Bruce Wayne was Batman, Clark Kent was Superman, and I am Lucky Z.

No I am not going to tell you my real name. That would defeat the point of having an alter ego.

Besides, I like being Lucky Z...

Lucky Z can talk about her infertility.

She doesn't have to pretend that she isn't ready for a baby yet.

She can wear her panties on the outside of her pants. 
(I'm pretty sure there is a clause in the Superhero handbook about wearing your underwear outside your pants...)

And I have Luck in my name...
I am hoping the new name rubs off on my uterus. Do you hear that little uterus... you are lucky... so implant already... I promise not to hold a grudge about the past 14 months... Let's do this! 

5. Have a mission... To Get Knocked Up.

This obviously isn't going so well. But, having a mission gives me a goal and one of these days it's going to be fulfilled. Cause that's what superheroes do... We get shit done!