Not Your Grandma's Knitting!

IMs with Queen B

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Queen B - Dude, you need to read this article, http://www.iamnotthebabysitter.com/vaginal-knitting/ I have been anxiously waiting to show you since 3am! I was so excited!!!

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Me -  Sweet Jesus, why would anyone put WOOL in their vagina?!?!?! Honestly! "It's harder to knit whilst menstruating"... Fucking brain food right there!

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Queen B - I was in shock whilst reading it

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Me - I feel like I'm pretty pro vagina, but i don't want to store wool up there. Wool is itchy. She should have treated herself right and stuffed cashmere up there. That's a pro vagina knitting project I can get behind!

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Queen B - Read the comment from Laura at 11:12am. Do u see it?

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Me - The one from Laura "the artist" responding to Kris?

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Queen B - Yes, there are 2... read both.

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Me - Wow her husband took her dildos... Rude.

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Queen B - Keep reading....

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Me - SWEET MOTHER OF  FIST FUCK! She threw fist fucking in there! Holy crap I think my Vag just shriveled up on itself!

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Queen B - RIGHT!

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Me - How does her husband fist fucking her relate at all to knitting with wool stored in her vagina? It's just for the shock value... WAIT

Maybe.... because after all the fist fucking she has enough room up there to store the wool needed for the 28 day project!

BOOM..... The world makes sense again.

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Queen B - There was so much WTF wrapped up in this article my mind was blown. Of course our old roommate would probably wear that scarf.

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Me - Our old roommate will read that article and make her own Vag scarf complete with ombre effect whilst menstruating. Then she would brag about her prowess on facebook.

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Queen B - Well, I don't get the purpose of knitting a scarf from your vagina. WTF is the point!

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 Me - I don't like that to be pro vagina I have to treat it like a side show. Can't I just pamper the shit out of my vag privately and be done?

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Queen B - But how the fuck does she piss & shit with that in there?

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Me - Ummm you are aware that poop comes out of your butt NOT your Vag and pee comes out of a different hole than the baby hole... It comes out of the pee hole. The vag has the lock down on secret compartments

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Queen B - I'm sure pee sprinkles onto the scarf.

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Me - She's bleeding on the wool too ass!!! I feel like fluids getting on the wool isn't really a big concern in this project.

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Queen B - And what does she do after it's done? Does she wear it? Give it as a gift?

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Me - Probably hang it in a museum would be my guess. That shit is historic now.

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Queen B - My favorite part of Jude's comment is "If a dude did something like knit a scarf from wool that was wrapped around his dick, people would rightly think it was weird. " I crack up when I read it. Every. Time.

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Me - What Jude isn't realizing is that the vag has been oppressed in ways the the dick hasn't... Plus, you can't store wool IN a dick... so it's not as "performance artsy".... You have to think like them to get it... Open you mind. Let the new thoughts in. Expand your world view.

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Queen B - Dude I'm sorry but it's fucking gross. I guess I'm not artsy enough to "get it"

I posted the link on my Facebook!  I am dying to see what people say about it!!!
I'm not even kidding you, I was seriously excited to show you today.

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Me - I love that you see an article on Vag knitting and I'm the first person you want to share it with!

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Queen B - OMG I felt like a kid on Christmas when I came across it & I immediately knew that you needed to read it.

Houston, We Have A Problem

So quick note, we are moving to a new house. One with an actual yard and isn't attached to asshole neighbors who back into your parked car or with big ass boyfriends who bust into your house by accident looking for a booty call... Win win right???

Also fun fact... Living with your parents for a month goes much smoother when all parties can drink... Apparently, all me and my Mom needed in High School was some wine!

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Anyway, I was VERY excited about our new place until THIS....
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McLovin - For peace of mind you probably shouldn't look at Taco's facebook page.

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Me - Why What Happened?

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McLovin - Let's just say you won't be letting anyone in our backyard... Ever.

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Me - Oh My Fucking God! A Brown Mother Fucking Recluse Spider bit her dog! And now his ear is Falling Off!?!?!?! Holy Fuck Balls! Seriously??? Seriously is this happening a week before we close on the new place? In Their Neighborhood!!!!!!

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McLovin - I think this is an isolated incident.

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Me - Dude... Wikipedia is telling me the ONLY way to positively ID a Recluse is by looking into it's beady little eyes... Honestly, if I'm close enough to exchange a flirtatious glance with it, I'M TOO FUCKING CLOSE!

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McLovin - Stop reading it. Seriously you don't want to see the section on shoes.

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Me - I FUCKING SAW IT! And what is this about it lurking in toilets!!!! Hmmmmmmm? What is THAT about? OMG... It is saying they like to camp out in clothes.... CLOTHES!!!

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McLovin - Should we invest in some of those vacuum seal clothes bags before moving in?

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Me - I don't know.... I feel like I should just leave tea towels in every corner so they don't take the lack of discarded clothing as an invite to climb into bed with us!

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McLovin - I think we're gonna be ok without leaving tea towels out in every room...

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email sent later in the day... from me to McLovin
Since he is obviously not taking this situation very seriously!!!!

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I have been doing research on our little Brown Recluse situation since the best approach to being victorious in a war is Knowing Your Enemy...

Pretty sure Sun Tzu wrote that in the "Art of War", and Let's be honest...
Home boy knew his shit...  
 

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Habitat
They frequently build their webs in woodpiles and sheds, closets, garages, plenum spaces, cellars, and other places that are dry and generally undisturbed. When dwelling in human residences they seem to favor cardboard, possibly because it mimics the rotting tree bark which they inhabit naturally. They have also been encountered in shoes, inside dressers, in bed sheets of infrequently used beds, in clothes stacked or piled or left lying on the floor, inside work gloves, behind baseboards and pictures, in toilets, and near sources of warmth when ambient temperatures are lower than usual. Human-recluse contact often occurs when such isolated spaces are disturbed and the spider feels threatened.

^{^^^^^^^^^^^^^}
Soooooo basically they will live anywhere they want in your house... including the TOILET. I can't explain how much seeing a Ghoulie come out of a toilet in the 80s SERIOUSLY fucked me up when I was a child. Every time I sat on the pot I thought my asshole was going to get eaten off...    EVERY. TIME.
 

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Distribution
I'm not going to even list all the places but pretty much just picture America post San Andreas Fault tragedy... So pretty much everyone is F.U.C.K.E.D... there is nowhere to hide and nowhere is safe. Honestly it's like a plot to a horror movie only this is reality. A very fucked up reality.

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Identification
The violin pattern is not diagnostic, as other spiders can have similar markings (e.g. cellar spiders and pirate spiders). For definitive identification it is imperative to examine the eyes. While most spiders have eight eyes, recluse spiders have six eyes arranged in pairs (dyads) with one median pair and two lateral pairs. Only a few other spiders have three pairs of eyes arranged in this way (e.g., scytodids). Recluses have no obvious coloration patterns on the abdomen or legs, and the legs lack spines.^[1] The abdomen is covered with fine short hairs that, when viewed without magnification, give the appearance of soft fur. The leg joints may appear to be a slightly lighter color.
^^^^^^^
It's like God was all, I am going to unleash this hellish beast upon the world but I will only give him 6 eyes instead of the normal 8... Gotta give those human meat sacks at least a fighting chance. So sayeth the lord.

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Behavior
It's an asshole... I am paraphrasing but you get the idea.

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Survival
(for the spiders... since whoever wrote this post obviously doesn't give a fuck about the human race since he has such a hard on for these devil spiders... I'm assuming a man wrote this because spiders are icky.)

the abilities to maintain homeostasis for several seasons with no food or water and to survive after losing limbs.^[41] Additionally, the spiders survive significantly longer in a relatively cool, thermally stable environment.^[42]

^{^^^^^^^^^^^^^}
Really??? Apparently THEY NEVER DIE!!!! SEVERAL seasons without food or water... SEVERAL... Give them a cool temp to hang out in and the little asshole goes into cryosleep...

The increased abilities of the spiders to survive during times of starvation, thirst, and regulated room temperatures makes extermination of this species particularly challenging. Many chemicals which have proven effective have now been made illegal or restricted in the U.S., making the use of chemicals to eradicate the spiders impractical.^[41] Chemicals that do not kill the spider may cause disruption to its nervous system or other systems, inducing undesirable aggressive behavior.^[41]

^{^^^^^^^^^^^^^}
Cliff Notes Version... If you try and use chemical warfare you better get it right the first time or you're gonna end up with a seriously pissed of mutant spider lusting for your blood... "undesirable aggressive behavior" is pretty much the understatement of the century...

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Let's be honest... This is a concern since we seem to have problems with infestations every year... AND this is WAY WORSE than the Alfie Grasshopper invasion of 2011. We will obviously be implementing mandatory security sweeps before getting into bed each night and a strict  clothes shake out policy. We don't want these spiders catching us with our pants down since they will, very literally, bite you in the ass.  

New Rule

I don't know what is going on in the world but let's all just agree to wack off and/or rub the nub in private... yes??? I never knew this was something that really needed to be explained but you learn something new everyday...
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CONVERSATIONS WITH FRIENDS...

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Kay -  I your opinion.

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Me: OK. What’s up

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Kay -  I caught my husband looking at porn last night…

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Me:     ok

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Queen B - HAHA

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Kay -We were in bed and I was asleep

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Me: Wait…

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Queen B: He was looking at it while u where next to him asleep!?!?!?

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Me: Well, isn't he ballsy
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Kay -  I know right!?!?!?

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Queen B: So… Was he wacking off too?

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Kay:  I’m pretty sure he was! I was sleeping but then I think I moved and could feel him under the sheets and then I heard him watching something…

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Queen B -  Soooooooo… does he know u caught him?

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Kay: Not last night. I was too annoyed and tired… So I said something to him a little while ago and of course he's denying it…

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Me – Like you just imagined him watching porn and spanking it IN THE FUCKING BED!?!?!?

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Kay -  So, this morning I checked his phone and the dumb ass left it in the history! There were 4 different sites! Fucking Idiot!

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Me - Tonight you should have a dildo going under the sheet when he comes to bed and say… “Oh I thought this was a thing we’re doing now…. Just diddling in the open.”

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Kay -  I'm just in a fragile state of mind since I’m pregnant… and I'm pissed that I was laying right there asleep! Should I say something?

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Queen B -  You should tell him it’s a little awkward to wake up with him rubbing one out next to you and your unborn child in the bed…

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Kay- So would you tell your husband’s you checked his phone???

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Me: -  I think I would have to tell him to make a mental note to JUST USE THE FUCKING BATHROOM LIKE A CLASSY MOTHER FUCKER next time he feels like buffing the banana !!!!

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Kay -  It’s just weird! Right! Good lord what an ass… Do it in the shower before work! I mean come on!

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Queen B -  What did he do when he came? Did he do it in a sock or something? On the sheets?

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Kay -  I don't think he did… I think I woke up and he realized it and, ooops, he got a softy. So I gave him blue balls.

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Me – Well, if he is looking at porn and not completing the act, we have a whole other set of problems to deal with because that shit isn't natural…

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Queen B -  So do you guys wanna hear something weird?

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Me - Seriously? Weirder then Kay catching her husband jerking off in bed???

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Queen B – Big J has whacked off next to me & felt my boobs while I was sleeping!

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Me – Wait… What The Fuck!?!?!?

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Queen B -  Apparently, he said he tried to get some but I was out cold… I was all groggy and fell back to sleep…

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Me – What is going on in the world... Am I the only one NOT having weird shit happen in my sleep!!!!

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Queen B -  So he just whacked it in the bed… but he wasn't watching porn…

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Me -  Dude… that’s even worse! He was just whacking off in bed and groping you without a video?

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Queen B -He's def a sleeping pervert… He was groping me in my sleep…

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Kay -  Oh my God! That is too funny!

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Me -      What the Fuck is wrong with your husbands!!!

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Queen B -  Well at least he wanted to grab me I guess and not a porn slut...

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Kay -  Right, at least he was thinking about her while whacking off!

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Me -  Call me an old fashioned girl but... I’d rather give consent before I'm used to get off! If jizz is being unleashed around me I want to know about it!

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Queen B -  Asshole! It's not like he was jerking off & jizzing on me and  I woke up in a salty cum haze… Stop making it weird!

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Me – How would u know??? You rolled over and went back to sleep! Anything could have happened!

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Queen B -  apparently he was trying to bang & I was all in a daze.

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Me: so he cupped a feel and blew a load???

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Kay: Were you drunk?

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Queen B -  no! I was just really tired I guess. I totally forgot that happened until Kay told us what happened to her but at least the next morning, he told me.

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Kay -  yeah…  Unlike my husband who is denying everything.

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Queen B -  Otherwise I would've had no clue… can u imagine???

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Me: You mean if you woke up the next day and said… "Hey did u get rapey and grab my boob last night before blowing your load whilst I was sleeping???"

And Big J was all... "SHIT NO woman I was sipping tea and writing a letter to my congressmen…"

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Queen B – Right… I mean at least we talked about it the next day.

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Me: I guess... But wouldn't it be easier if everyone just agreed to pump the python in private?
 

There's an app for that...

Kay - Ok... Have you heard of Snap Chat???

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Me: Nope. WTF is a snap chat?

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Kay - I feel so old... I work with a few younger girls and they were talking about it.

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Me: Fucking Whipper Snappers.

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Kay: Apparently it's an app on your phone and you take pictures of yourself and send them to your friends. Originally it was for sexting or something.

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Me: How the fuck is that different then instagram? Besides being so "Hip"... so "Now"

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Kay: I was like OMG I feel so old... Sexting... Really!?!?!

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Me: Well tell those girls to keep their clothes on so they can respect themselves in the morning.

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Kay: Supposedly they aren't sexting. But, I guess other people they know are.

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Me: I send McLovin a little "how ya doin" every once in awhile...but we're married.  I'm pretty sure it was part of our vows

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Kay: Man I need to spice things up...

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Me: Till death do us part, for sicker or poorer, pic messages with or without clothes yadda yadda... I Do

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Kay: Huh...

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Me: Either way, real sexting is a bad idea and only leads to thumb blisters and a suspicious rash.

Fuck! By the time our kids are at sexing age they will be having virtual sex through The Cloud or some shit... Only it probably won't be The Cloud anymore... we will be storing all our digital files on the Robo-Alpaca... So they will be virtually sexing with the help of a robotic alpaca... That is my prediction of sexting in the future.

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Kay: Ummmmm Right................... I need to find new friends...

Techy Talk

txts with McLovin

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Me - Guess who's computer just blue screened!

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McLovin - Huh... If my PC did that as frequently as yours there would be an "untimely" coffee spill in its future.

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Me - It happens when I'm VPNed into another network. My PC craps itself like a scared wombat every time I click the mouse.

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McLovin - So your saying it's an unadventurous coward?

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Me - Apparently... But if it keeps it up it's gonna be having an adventure with a screwdriver... Just call me the tickler...

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McLovin - Saucy

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Me - Yeah Baby talk techy to me

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McLovin - Do you have a drive that needs more RAM?

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Me - Is your name Wi-fi because I'm feeling your connection...

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McLovin - I hear you need that empty PCI slot filled?

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Me - I want you to take my cover off and insert a bigger CPU.

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McLovin - So your saying you want to see my firewire?

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Me - Sure do you need me to come over and unzip your files?

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McLovin - Stop your gonna make my software turn into hardware!

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Me - Sad... I was hoping you wouldn't block my Pop-Ups.

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McLovin - Well consider yourself blocked I have a meeting and you're spiking my traffic.

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Me - Sinner...

It's gonna be a loooooooooooong stinky day!

This is an old post I meant to publish when the spud was only a few months old...

Luckily this does not describe what I am dealing with today... No no my friends... Today I have been dealing with blueberry poops. And if you have never experienced blueberry poops then you haven't lived.

=================================================================

Me - Oh look. It's before 9:30 am and I have pee on me. I'm scared because the spud is eating and I keep getting whiffs of fon-dook. There has been no materialization of said dook yet, but I fear it's just a matter of time with all the toot-a-looting... Pray for me.

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McLovin - Peed on and now he's dooking? Sorry Babe, rough start to the day.

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Me - No no... Not dooking yet. The threat of dook. I would say I am at code orange... Or should I say, stink level eggy-milk.

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McLovin -  Ewwwwww

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Me - And by eggy-milk I don't mean eggnog which is both festive and delightful... but more... Did this milk turn? OH GOD! Don't sniff the container, it smells like the Dairy Queen's butt hole fermented!

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McLovin -  That's a colorful description.

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Me - I thought it would help illustrate what type of situation I'm dealing with over here.

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McLovin -  Oh it did.  

Mermaids

I'm not sure if you have heard about the mockcumentary "Mermaids" that has been aired causing people to believe mermaids actually swim among us and shit but, part II aired last week (??? maybe??? hopefully this is semi current)

I forced  McLovin to watch the first installment but he adamantly refused to watch the second because he was physically angry after the first.

But he very thoughtfully recorded it for me because he knows how much I love watching some crazy.

Below are our texts...

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me: Dude the Kardashians believe in mermaids after the first documentary. They tweeted about it. This show is Gold!

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McLovin: Sigh...

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Me: So Barnum as in *THE* Barnum Circus and Freak Show had a "real mermaid" and the photos are just being released because they were lost all this time... They look JUST LIKE the mermaids from the first show!!!! Can you believe it? I bet you can't believe it. The Plot thickens....

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McLovin: Ugggg

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Me: Now they are showing compelling YouTube video evidence from the "YouTubes"... Shit... The evidence has been there the whole time but we were all too blind to see it!

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McLovin: Sounds like I am missing a mind explosion.

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Me: It's so compelling... It's so now. It's really making the plight of the mermaids POP.

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McLovin : .....

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Me: Jesus Tap-dancing Christ!!!

They reappeared!!! There is NEW video evidence that is about to be revealed for the FIRST TIME EVER!!!! You have to get down here and watch this. Hold onto your butts!

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McLovin : .....

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Me: You will not believe this but after these Danish Bastards shared their video of the misunderstood mermaid with the Greenland peeps they halted ALL new oil drilling licenses.

BOOM. Proof...

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McLovin: I'm sorry I missed all that...

Wait... No, I'm not.

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Me: The program ended where we began... filled with both questions... And Wonder....

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McLovin: ..... sigh

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McLovin obviously is missing the point of the show but it gets better... News stations all over the country AND  even the US Government had to make statements that the show is fake.

I LOVE this shit! I love knowing there are people walking around believing mermaids are real because the show was on the Discovery Channel... And they don't lie you know... They Discover.

Floor Food

Me: I might or might not have just fed the baby floor banana

McLovin: Floor bananas can kill. Google it.

Me: You are crazy.

McLovin: Am I? Am I just imagining the rampant food poisoning cases from "floor food"?

Me: Have I food poisoned you yet with floor food?

McLovin:  Yes Probably...

Me: Cause I've go to be honest... You have eaten more floor food than you know.

McLovin:  Ummmmmm What? What was that?

Me: After the whole cookie incident I thought it would be better not to tell you if something happened to make contact with the floor before being introduced to your mouth. So.... There's that.

McLovin:  I don't really know what to say about this... This whole time I thought we were the normal house on the block... Low and behold we are just as dysfunctional as the rest... even worse actually... You've been trying to poison me with floor dirt and goo and microbial nasties.

Me: Really? Our whole marriage is a lie because I might have fed you food off the floor? I can assure you, if I wanted to poison you I would pick a more tried and true method...

McLovin: ....

Me: Because I get shit done.