CHRIST

Me: reading the bumper sticker off a car in front of us. "Keep Christ in Christmas"

McLovin: I agree... It's a Christmas Tree not a Holiday Tree. Get it right.

Me: No, I'm pretty sure they mean Christ. As in little baby Jesus Christ.

McLovin: No, That can't be right. Everyone knows about baby Jesus Christ... They must be talking about the tree...

Me: There is a picture of a manger on the sticker... It's not about the tree. The tree has nothing to do with Jesus.

McLovin: Exactly... That's why it's called a Christmas Tree and not a Jesus Tree...

Me: .........

McLovin: Judging by your silence I can tell you agree.

PS - This morning I saw McLovin practicing handing someone a gift... He would pick up the gift. Extend his arm and say Merry Christmas. Put the gift back down and look at it. Pick it up again. Extend his arm and say Merry Christmas. Living with him is like living with an alien who is trying to understand human interaction. I think I might start secretly filming him. There has to be a documentary in his Pod behavior. Am I right?

So, Happy Holidays! Merry Festivus, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, or whatever else you celebrate! Have a wonderful Holiday Season!

WEEKEND PLANS

IMs with Queen B.

---------------------

Queen B -  2:00 pm:    

btw, did I ever tell u that u remind me of the girl in Twilight. haha

 Me -  2:00 pm:     

What??? Why?

Queen B  - 2:00 pm:     

Not looks wise  but her personality.  haha

Me -  2:01 pm: 

OMG.  It's the worst acting ever... and now your saying my normal personality is like badly acted teenage angst? Fuck My Life

Queen B -  2:01 pm:  

Dude, I'm saying she's extremely laid back & nonchalant in the movie.

Me -  2:02 pm:  

Well, I think I only saw it once and I was so horrified by the tween love I couldn't concentrate. What brought that up? Are you watching it now or something?

Queen B 2:02 pm -  

haha I got the bootleg of the newest one.

Me -  2:03 pm:  

The one where she's pregnant?

Queen B 2:03 pm -    

Yup

Me -  2:03 pm:  

I heard that movie sucked more than all the others combined

Queen B - 2:04 pm:  

It was ok. Not my fav,  but I only paid $5 for the bootleg.

Me -  2:04 pm:  

You bought the bootleg? From who? I don't think I have ever been presented with a bootleg movie to buy

Queen B -  2:05 pm: 

This Asian guy. My work BFF buys movies from him all the time, so now he stops by with his collection for me. haha

Me -  2:06 pm:  

And where did the Asian guy come from? Does he work there? The streets?  Your office building boggles my mind... It's like that time the hooker got arrested pressed against your window.

Queen B  - 2:06 pm:  

Well,  my work BFF also has a 2nd job at a parking garage around the corner.
He works nights so that's how he met the Asian guy & got his phone #. So I told him to call the guy to see if he had Breaking Dawn  & my work BFF went over to the garage & bought it for me

Me -  2:08 pm:  

Seriously? That is the shadiest thing I have heard in awhile.

Queen B  - 2:08 pm:  

HAHAHA

Me -  2:08 pm:  

Well good job dick.

Queen B -  2:08 pm:  

I am awesome

Me -  2:08 pm:  

Just try not to get arrested or shot in your crazy office.

Queen B  - 2:08 pm:  

Do you wanna borrow it?  I can drop it off on my way home

Me -  2:08 pm:  

No,  I'm good. I only saw the first movie and that was enough.

Queen B  - 2:09 pm:  

I have all of them. I can drop off the whole series & u can have a marathon over the weekend.

 Me -  2:09 pm: 

I can't even watch the harry potter movies and they are about a billion times better produced then the twilight saga... Better storyline, better actors, better everything. 

Queen B  - 2:09 pm: 

How about I drop off all the movies & u just give them a chance.

Me -  2:10 pm: 

The twilight books weren't that good... so I doubt very much the movies are spectacular. PLUS, all those fucking actors and actresses are weird looking

Queen B -  2:10 pm:  

You have to watch from the first to the last in their entirety. Give them a chance asshole.

Me -  2:10 pm:  

I feel like the whole world is sniffing glue.

Queen B  - 2:10 pm: 

Can I drop them off to you?

Me -  2:10 pm:  

How is Robert Patterson a heartthrob? How? Riddle me that.

Queen B  - 2:11 pm: 

He's not too good looking, but I guess it's his role. Idk.  I don't get it, but chicks love him.

Me -  2:11 pm: 

His fucking head is weird looking... there is something fucked up about his face.  And no one seems to notice. The little wolf boy isn't much better... his face is all squished in

Queen B  - 2:12 pm:  

Dude I'm not looking at his face his body is sick

Me -  2:12 pm: 

I guess cause he never wears a shirt no one notices his face...

Queen B -  2:12 pm: 

You hardly see his body in this new one just real quick in the beginning.

Me -  2:12 pm:  

PLUS, has it just missed everyone that the movie is glorifying stalking and pedophilia?
Isn't the vampire dude like 100 and he wants to bone a teenager? That's statutory rape!

Queen B -  2:14 pm: 

True love has no age limit dick.

Me -  2:15 pm: 

Really? so you're gonna defend when the wolf boy falls in love with the newborn infant cause its "true love"?     That is some sick and twisted shit right there. I think that author Stephanie whoever has some serious daddy issues.

Queen B  - 2:18 pm:  

Dude he imprinted on her, he can't help it. I am def dropping off the movies.  You are watching them  before you judge

Me -  2:18 pm:  

I read the books dick, I know what happens

Queen B  - 2:18 pm:  

You can't just watch parts of the 1st movie & criticize them that's your assignment for this weekend

Me -  2:18 pm: 

So you're saying these movies have good acting?

Queen B  - 2:19 pm:  

Not the best...but i love them.  the girl is prob the worst one out of all the actors

Me -  2:19 pm: 

And that there aren't any majorly disturbing flaws with the story line?

Queen B  - 2:19 pm:  

But as long as you know that going into it, you'll be fine. That's why it's a MOVIE asshole! It's fake!

Me -  2:20 pm: 

Right its a fake movie brainwashing tweens into wanting to have sex with 100 year old men who stalk them. And that it is OK if your BFF falls in love with your 16 and pregnant baby because its fate motherfucker!

Queen B  - 2:20 pm:  

Dude, just tell me u will watch them.

Me 2:21 pm - 

Uggggg fine. But i'm doing it under protest.

---------------------

Hopefully your plans are more productive than mine!

HOLIDAY WARS

So I can't be the only one that has noticed Christmas creeping into our stores earlier and earlier during the year... It has gotten to the point that Thanksgiving is almost a non-holiday.

Honestly Thanksgiving needs to revamp their PR. There is only so much positive marketing that can be done around a holiday that is based on the mass slaughter of delicious turkeys. Plus you have the whole Pilgrim / American Indian storyline that has gone from happy little meet and greet to attempted genocide of an entire race of people.

So for the past couple of years I have really felt bad for Thanksgiving... I sort of felt like Big Brother Christmas was getting all greedy for the attention. As if Christmas is the only holiday.

Over the weekend I stumbled upon some intel that leads me to believe Thanksgiving might be to blame for its own demise.  I know... hard to believe... But, put your helmets on and prepare to be shell shocked.

Whilst decorating the Christmas tree (The whole tree thank you, not "half tree"... McLovin tries to push for "half tree" every year which involves only putting up Christmas balls... and then the tree just looks naked and sad.) we were listening to Christmas music and I was shocked to hear a bunch of references to pumpkin pie... Which in my world is a fall / Thanksgiving treat... It is NOT a tasty Christmas treat... Christmas treats are gingerbread men, peppermint bark, press cookies, shit like that... Pumpkins do not play a part in winter time holiday festivities.

And I am talking classic Christmas toons too...

1. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree - "Rocking around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas spirit ring. Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie, and we’ll do some caroling."

2. Sleigh Ride - "There's a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy when they pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie."

And perhaps most shocking of all

3. There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays - "I met a man who lives in Tennessee, and he was headin’ forPennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie . . ."

I will give you a moment to get your shock under control...

Do you realize what this means????

Thanksgiving started the holiday wars! It fired the first shot heard round the yule log! And Thanksgiving didn't mess around either... It went right for the Holiday songs... Which means it went right for the celebrity endorsement... How can you not have pumpkin pie during Christmas when you have Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra telling you to take the plunge! It is unbelievable...

So of course Christmas had to fight back... and since the Singers and Crooners were all about Thanksgiving's pumpkin pie Christmas went after the retailers. And that's when Christmas started moving in on Thanksgiving's turf. It started off sneaky with Black Friday being right after Thanksgiving... and of course with the internet you get Cyber Monday too. But these days the retailers don't seem to give a rats ass about Thanksgiving at all. I saw Christmas stuff up during Halloween.

And I know what you thinking... What did Halloween do to deserve the shaft...???

Well let me tell you, Halloween did plenty. Do I need to remind you of a little gem Tim Burton wrote titled "The Nightmare Before Christmas"? Do you remember Santa getting kidnapped and tortured by Mr. Oogie Boogie Man? If that wasn't a thinly veiled threat to Christmas by the Hollywood elite I don't know what is. 

Seriously do you need more proof then this?

And we all know Halloween got paid off by Thanksgiving. Both holiday's take place in the fall... Singers are closely associated with Hollywood. The writing is on the wall people!

The Holiday Wars involving Christmas shitting on all the other holidays was instigated by Thanksgiving! End of story. We don't have to like it or support it. Lord knows seeing Christmas stockings for sale while buying Halloween candy makes my head want to explode. But at least now we know who started it!

DISNEY HAS RUINED MY CREDIBILITY

So I have an issue with the Disney.

They are fucking with my Aunt knowledge credibility.

Occasionally when I see my niece and nephew I like to feed them a healthy dose of bullshit to keep the whimsy meter up in their imaginations. Kids need whimsy... It is what makes the world go round in their little heads.

That, M&Ms and Ice cream...

I'm pretty sure my niece would gladly shank me for a bowl of chocolate ice cream.... And If M&Ms were on top, my life would be forfeit.... I don't trust the little one, my nephew, much either... He's a sweet kid, but I'm pretty sure his sister has shown him the dark side of the dairy queen and it is not pretty.

Either way, my niece is at the age where she likes the Disney Princesses... Any Princesses really, but everyone knows that the Disney Princesses are the créme de la créme.

The Disney Princesses are like high quality escorts compared to a regular off the street prostitutes...  Pretty much the same thing but one set has all the glamour, sparkle, and fancier accessories.

Probably about a year ago we were coloring together and I noticed she was coloring a Rapunzel picture... NOT Disney Rapunzel... Straight up 9th avenue $200 an hour regular Rapunzel. But she did have her standard Princess crown.

So I asked my niece what she knew about Princess Rapunzel... And she looked at me with big blue eyes and said... "Princess Rapunzel?!? She's not a real Princess."

I dare you to find a bigger opening for tom-foolery and whimsy... Opportunity knocked and I fucking answered that door with glee.

Of course I had to spin a tale about how Princess Rapunzel was ORIGINALLY part of the Disney Princess regime but she was kicked out for bad behavior.

What bad behavior you ask?

She apparently has a weakness for shellfish and she tried to eat Ariel's crab, the one who goes by the name of Sebastian.

Ariel of course found out about this and went to the other Princesses for backup. When you are part of a group you can't just go around eating people's sidekicks because they look delicious. That is bad manners.

So all the Princesses had a vote and they decided that no sidekick would be safe while Princess Rapunzel was part of the group. So they threw her ass out like dirty laundry.

And that is why Rapunzel was not a Disney Princess. She behaved badly and got booted down the ranks and had to become BFFs with Goldilocks. Who is a thieving little whore in case you forgot.

WELL... a few months later wouldn't you know I see a commercial on TV for the next Disney Movie...

Fucking "Tangled".

I mean really you guys? REALLY!

Disney was shitting on my face and all over my credibility! WTF Disney you backstabbing whores! I've seen your movies, I buy your toys for the kids in my life, I have even visited your theme parks!  You couldn't even wait a fucking year before kicking my story to the curb? The seed I had planted hardly had any time to grow.

The next time I saw my Niece she was onto my shenanigans. So I told her that the Princesses had been learning about forgiveness in Bible School and they decided to give Rapunzel and second chance.

I feel that the whole story is kind of weak now and I blame the Mouse House for the lame forgiveness theme ending!

And guess who my darling niece was for Halloween this year? Fucking Princess Rapunzel! It's pretty bad when your own niece sides with Mickey Mouse over you!

CARNIE'S ARE SENSUAL TOO Part 2

txts with McLovin

-----------------------------------------

McLovin: Did you talk to your Mom about this weekend? You don't want to get to their house at 9am if they are running around the house naked.

Me: OMG I'm emailing her now... I do not need to meet the house boy Juan.*

*Juan is my Dad's alter ego at home. He "becomes" Juan whenever he does domestic chores around the house. It is pretty disturbing because I think the House Boy Juan likes to bang the Boss Lady... Who would be my Mom. While it's great that they are still happy and boning in their 60's, I don't need to take part in their fantasies. Whenever I call their house and my Dad answers with a Spanish accent it makes my ears bleed and a part of my soul shrivels up to cry in a corner.

McLovin: hmmm Maybe we need characters to accompany our dirty talk... I know a cat named Eduardo.

Me: Did you just give my lady garden a boys' name?

McLovin: No. Remember Eduardo? The Hurricane of Love.

Me: I remember the Hurricane of Love Eduardo but you said a cat named Eduardo. So I was wondering who that was and weather I was high on Nyquil when I met him.

McLovin: No. He's a cooool cat. A Spanish Hipster.

Me: I see. This is good. It means we are drifting away from our dirty talk involving carnies. I didn't want to dress up like the Yak Woman.

McLovin: I was going to be the pixy dust spreader on the tilt-a-whirl.

Me: You can spread my pixy dust anytime. wink wink

McLovin: So we're back to the carnie games?

Me: Damn It!

WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

GHOST HUNTERS            

Have you ever seen that show Ghost Hunters? 

It's on the Syfy network. Basically two main guys, Jay and Grant,  and their team go to "haunted" places looking for proof of Ghosts... The try to catch things on film and audio on tapes to bring back to the people who called for their "help."

Sometimes there is creepy stuff... but usually it is just them walking around in the dark after "weird noises".... They do a flashlight trick where they have the "ghost" turn the flashlight on and off to answer questions... 

If McLovin and I happen to catch the show we like to spend the time discussing what we would do if we were Ghost Hunters... And we have determined that we would probably get kicked off the show.

Because honestly the show is just a lame under budget version of Ghostbusters... Probably one of the greatest movies ever made. But don't fall alseep to the DVD... the theme song plays on repeat and that shit gets annoying!

So Below are the top Ten thing we would steal from Ghostbusters to get kicked off the Ghost Hunters Show:

1. humming the Ghostbusters theme song into the vents so the sound carries throughout the building being investigated...  There is debate on whether we would end the tune with Ghostbusters or Ghost Hunters... Since both are the same number of syllables and conveniently start with Ghost. 

2. When they do their little flashlight trick saying "Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance."

3. Saying: OK, who brought the dog? Before slamming into a wall and wailing in terror.
(Apparently they have now added a dog to the team... cause you know, dog's are better at picking up on paranormal shit. It would also be imperative to slam into a wall in terror EVERY time we saw the dog.)

5. After spotting a suspicious "shadow":  "What we have here is what we call a non-repeating phantasm, or a class-5 free roaming vapor" (cause when you are wondering around a dark building at night with flashlights and a camera crew the last thing you are going to see is weird shadows)

6. Claiming to have seen a cockroach big enough to "bite your head off."

7. Blowing our noses in petri dishes and handing them in as evidence of paranormal activity.

8. Running around tasering the rest of the "team" and claiming to be "studying the effect on negative reinforcement on ESP ability."  

9. Splashing each other with a glass of water and writhing around on the floor yelling that we've been slimed.

10. Throwing lit marshmallows at people's heads while screaming "The Destructor COOOOOOMES!"

Personally, I think the Ghost Hunters show has gotten a little stale and these kinds of antics would at least distract the viewers from the fact that you are basically watching middle-aged adults wander around buildings after the sound of footsteps for an hour.

So, Happy Halloweeny everyone!

And remember.... If someone asks you if you're a God, you Say YES!

CARNIE'S ARE SENSUAL TOO Part 1

txts with McLovin

-----------------------------------------

McLovin:
What do you want for dinner? Meatloaf of meatballs?

Me:
meatballs

McLovin:
Oh yeah, I'm gonna stick my balls in your mouth

Me:
really?
You skipped warming up the oven and went straight for hitting me in the face with a salami. Nice.

McLovin:
Pervy jokes are warming up the oven. That's as close to dirty talk as I am going to get

Me:
Me too. I think I would hurt myself laughing if I tried to talk about your throbbing member with a straight face.

McLovin:
I'd have to take my glasses off for dirty talk. That's serious business.

Me:
See I'm already giggling like a little idiot.

McLovin:
I can't wait to see you...

Naked

Me:
Seriously Stop. People at work are looking at me.

McLovin:
It's because they know you're in for the ride of your life.
The scrambler.

Me:
The scrambler? really? Not the Zipper?

McLovin:
The Zipper is too obvious.

Me:
So I guess being a Snake Charmer is out.

McLovin:
No but you could be a sword swallower.

Me:
Wait... Are we really using carnies in our dirty talk?

McLovin:
It always comes back to the carnies.

GUESS WHAT?

Remember how I wrote about the IUI... Well we got the results. and.... drumroll

We're Pregnant!

I know I should have told you sooner... But I have been feeling very guilty about it.

We are super excited. It doesn't even feel real. Especially when you have a lab calling to tell you the good news in a monotone voice. I felt a little James Bond-ish getting a secret message. Plus, I'm afraid to pee on the magic stick and find out this is all a cosmic joke. So That's where we are with that.

I feel guilty because I know there are so many people out there still struggling to get a BFP and now I feel like I am abandoning everyone. I'm not even sure what to do with the blog. I have been writing about infertility and other random things to make people laugh while dealing with the limbo of trying to get pregnant. Now I feel like a trader. I don't want to be on here talking about the pregnancy and depressing people.

So I don't know what to do. I am open to suggestions. I can continue to write random, hopefully funny, crap to amuse the masses. Or I can jump off a bridge for being a no good trader.

I do want to say thank you to all the people who have been reading my blog and leaving comments. I really have appreciated  all of you and it helped me to think I was making people laugh through a fucked up situation.

I know I haven't been good about responding to comments. I always want to, but then I feel weird. I'm a shy person in the real world and apparently that has spilled into the cyber world too. I can write my thoughts and have them out there but interact with other people online? Eeeek. Which is pretty stupid if you think about it.

PDA

Also, on a completely different topic... The rain date for the Rapture which was originally scheduled for May 21 is this Friday, October 21. I'm not sure on the time. It seems like the campaign to save our dirty souls fizzled out when the last date was a bust. So I will estimate the time to be the same: 6pm EST. Please click this link for Zombie survival tips.

Or Click Here to learn how to wash away your sins and earn a golden ticket to the pearly gates.

It would be just my luck for biblical shit to get real now that I'm pregnant. Will the cosmic jokes never end? FU Mother Nature!        

I Think Betty White is my new Hero!

I never thought of it this way, but you know what... She's right.
Guy's are a bunch of wusses.
Hell hath no fury like an angry growler!

GRASSHOPPER INVASION

I wish this was a joke but it's not... Every summer since moving into our townhouse we have an invasion of SOMETHING in our backyard...

 This year its Grasshoppers... and weirdly of all the shit that has been in our backyard... the grasshoppers are giving McLovin the willies... I shit you not, a man who has battled it out against praying manti, bees, rabid rabbits and snakes is sort of terrified of grasshoppers.

I repeat....

Grasshoppers

Just to show I am not joking here are some txts... Side note... we named the first grasshopper Allfie.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me: I have some bad news... There is now a grasshopper on the front door and one on the back. It's official. We are under surveillance.

McLovin: I told you. it's an invasion!

Me: Allfie is building an army.

McLovin: See! So aggressive.  I will have to try a new approach with them. Mayhap the praying mantis approach.

Me: What's the Praying Mantis approach?

McLovin: Weed Whacker*

Me: You are not weed whacking the grasshoppers! We don't need a bunch of five and a half legged mutants running around launching an attack! You got off lucky with the praying manti.

McLovin: I will win this war like I've won against all of mother nature's minions!!!

Me: You mean like when you propelled the innocent curious george bee into the next world with your flip flop of death?

McLovin: Casualty of war. It's not my fault Mother Nature fights with innocents.

Me: Well to be fair you didn't research the threat level either... I mean a code blue situation was treated as code red... Slight overkill.

McLovin: There was no time for research. The homestead was in danger so I acted.

Me: Yes Dear. You really showed him who was boss. But I really don't think grasshoppers are dangerous. Don't people eat them in some countries? We should be farming these suckers and selling them for profit.

McLovin: YES!!! That's how I will show my dominance... I will eat some in the backyard in front of their army.  "Hell hath no fury" You have been promoted for your contributions.

Me: You know if aliens ever invade I hope they don't take cues from you about how war works.... I will be pissed if I end up abducted and covered in chocolate as an example.

McLovin: They would be right to follow my lead.

Me: Really? So you would counsel them to eat us??? What kind of survivor does that?

McLovin: They wouldn't eat me I'm charming.

Me: I see your point... Well played.

*McLovin was not trying to kill anything with the weed whacker... but when he would mow the lawn (yes it's that small) we noticed the praying manti would all flee in terror from the weed whacker's angry maw. So it was a win win for everyone. Except the one who lost an arm and spent the rest of the summer waving his stump at us from the screen door. THAT was a little unnerving. 

LET'S GET ARTIFICAL!

Artificially inseminated....

Sounds like a party right? And really it kind of is.

IUI, or intrauterine insemination, is a process by which sperm is cleansed and released into the woman's uterus on the day that she is ovulating. (I love that they say "released" I feel like there should be a nature channel camera crew shoved up my uterus dedicated to filming the release of cleansed sperm back into the wilds of my uterus... We could totally sell that shit to the networks.)

Who wouldn't want doctored sperm shot directly into their vagina?

At first I was a little bummed... because we have officially moved from "Mommy and Daddy got a little rambunctious one night and 9 months later there was a baby".... to "Hey kid you came from a test tube!" (or at least half of you did)

But then I thought about it and you know what? I bet there are a lot of slackers mixed in with McLovin's normal "deposit"... and with this wash and rinse cycle the doctor is basically shoving the A team up my cooter to get this job done.

Plus, this also gave McLovin an opportunity to give a pep talk to his boys on the drive over. And I'm using the term pep talk lightly... What I really mean is... blasting the spermies with inspirational classic "man" music to get them pumped up and ready to go. Some of his hits of choice included:

1. Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
2. Rocky's Theme Song (Gonna Fly Now) by Bill Conti
and
3. More Human Then Human by White Zombie

It was quite a ride.

So after an inspirational drive over we dropped off his boys and waited around until turkey baster time! (I will never look at a thanksgiving turkey the same way again...)

It is a little odd knowing a bunch of people were walking around with his boys getting them prepped for the action. Especially when you're sitting on the table depants with a sheet and you hear a microwave. (I imagine they were showing the good sperm what happens to sperm that fail... Nothing like a little motivation to get them ready to compete. Why else would there be a microwave just outside the patient rooms.)

It was also weird when the doctor showed us his sperm... which went from the normal sperm color to a delightful clearish pink color... But that's ok... I'm hoping the pink "girl" color cancels out the testosterone fueled car trip to give all x and y spermies and equal chance of success.

The procedure was pretty quick and definitely painless... McLovin was a little bummed he didn't get to push the stopped down on the "deposit" but I think inside he knew that the doctor was a professional and getting them up there and in the right location was the most important part.

So then it was time to wait. But that cycle at least I knew we did everything possible to get a positive result.

And it would be just like McLovin's sperm to be all VIP velvet rope about it.  

I Dreamed A Dream

McLovin: Last night I had a dream that a demonic ghost cat was attacking me... and when i woke up i had a big scratch on my arm.

Me: Looks like you failed.

McLovin: No way... I got away with just a scratch. That demonic cat would have ripped anyone elses head off.

Me: I once had a dream that I got bite by a vampire and it turns out it was a spider biting my neck... so I lost in my dream and in reality.

McLovin: If you were a vampire I would let you turn me.

Me: Really? That's nice. even if I was a sparkly twilight vampire?

McLovin: No way those vampires are pussies... Who sparkles in the sun?

Me: So I can turn you, but only if I am the right kind of vampire? It doesn't sound like you're upholding your wedding vows. "Till Death do we part"

McLovin: I'm pretty sure the wedding vows got axed once you went and got made into the undead. If you were a sparkly vampire I would insist on becoming a werewolf.

Me: I'm pretty sure in those book you have to be a born Native American of a specific tribe.

McLovin: Well that seems racist... Haven't they heard of the anti-discrimination acts? I have equal rights to become a werewolf.

Me: So basically what your saying is, if I ever got turned into a "normal" vampire who doesn't sparkle in the sun I can turn you... but if I sparkle you will take the mythological werewolves to court for equal rights to be turned into a werewolf.

McLovin: Yes because vampires sparkling in the sun in a load of horseshit.

TWO THINGS

#1
Has anyone seen this article????
http://jobs.aol.com/articles/2011/08/31/new-studies-look-at-the-challenge-of-being-the-ugly-worker/?icid=maing-grid7|main5|dl6|sec3_lnk2|91576
The Question: Should civil society protect the ugly???

Really? Is this what is being studied these days? Shouldn't we be spending our time curing cancer or feeding the hungry or something?

I apologize if you got beat down with the ugly stick but come on. Suck it up buttercup. Everyone gets fat, old and wrinkly... consider being fugly early a head start on the downhill slide from youth. Unless of course you look at those mummified botox freaks... That shit isn't natural. Eventually the botox will reach their brains and that's where zombies come from.

And relax this news isn't coming from a perfect 10... I have a bulbous forehead that would probably be considered attractive back in the day when women shaved their hairlines, but today is called a "10 head". I come from a short round people who like to eat and drink and make merry. Kind of like hobbits but without the hairy feet.

#2
I learned some new British slang!!!! And it is glorious!
(This word is brought to you by Top Gear... who knew McLovin's fascination with a British car show could pay off.)

Growler - British slang for a woman's hairy beaver... as in Earth Momma Muff... I am so excited by this new term I feel like I should grow out my lady garden in celebration!

Supposedly it isn't a very complimentary term but I say we take the word back! For example... next time McLovin gets sassy with me I can say...

"Keep it up and I'll sic my Growler on you!"
"You want to mess with me??? POW .... Growler... In Your Face!"
"You better watch your tone, my Growler is feeling confrontational!"

What will your Growler say? 

Also... in honor of Growlers everywhere... this NSFW video... Spread the word!

THIS COULD BE GOOD NEWS... OR BAD NEWS

OK peeps.

I was raised Catholic. I'm not sure why but it turns out a lot of Christians don't like Catholics... Something about us not worshiping properly or being all Holier than thou... idk... to be honest I'm not a very good Catholic. In fact I "converted" to not really worshiping at all in an organised setting. Which obviously makes me a bad Catholic/Christian and a dirty sinner. Plus, my marriage isn't recognized by the church since it wasn't on sanctioned ground so McLovin and I have been bonking our way to the fiery gates of hell for awhile now.

But Folks.... if you, like I, are headed straight to eternal damnation fear not... I have stumbled upon salvation for us all! And no worries, I'm not gonna get all Bible Thumpy on you :)


Unfortunately, if you are super religious this news might shock you.... Please turn away now. 


OK.... Are you ready for your pants to be knocked off  through the power of Jesus????

I FOUND A LOOP HOLE!!!!!!!

That's right... We can ALL get into Heaven! But seriously you guys, we need to keep this intel on the down low or every asshole in the universe will make it into heaven and that would be a buzzkill! 

This news is brought to us by a "friend" on facebook! Who would have thought social media could save our souls?

Apparently over the weekend this "friends" Mom baptized her husband who then baptized her... So now they are all saved....

Now I always thought you needed to go to a professional to wash away your sin and that you could only get washed and rinsed into purity once in your life. So really isn't it wasted on a baby who's only real sin at that point is "original sin", thanks Eve you gullible temptress. But it turns out God has secretly licensed us all to save everyone and you can do it whenever your feeling frisky!

Now I haven't gotten all the details yet but I think all you need is a little water and you should be all set. In fact every time you take a shower your sort of  performing a religious miracle. Cleanliness really is next to godliness... who knew?

Looks like I just saved you all from an eternity of damnation.... You're Welcome. 

Ten on Tuesday

http://rootsandrings.com does a 10 on Tuesday every week. And since my real blog post isn't ready yet I thought I would post my answers. Enjoy and feel free to answer on your own blog! 

1. Mac or Windows? (Or Linux for you super geeks!)
Both but mostly Windows.
(Sorry to all you Mac fans but they are over rated... and news flash they do get viruses... I am sorry if you have drunk the Apple Kool-aid but it's true. Mac's are not all that and a bag of chips.)

2. What drew you to that operating system?
One of the main programs I have to use for work is a Windows only program... I could go through the trouble of running a virtual PC on the Mac but that sort of defeats the purpose of the Mac... So yeah. 

Also Virtual PC's suck... I once had to make VMware my bitch because it decided to get all cocky with me. sooooooo I got THAT going for me.  

3. Mice – Wireless or Wired? Mouse pad or none?
Wired... and my mouse likes to freeball it thank you very much. 

4. Other than the Internet – What do you use your computer most for?
Food Porn... You would not believe the shit that is out there.... seriously.

5. What’s one computer-related thing you wish you were better at? (CSS, Photoshop, Excel, etc.)
 Zuma... I mean honestly that little frog bastard needs to spit those balls out faster! It totally ruins my zen when I'm on a hot streak and he decides to punk out on me. 

6. Describe the first time you ever used a computer.
It was a disaster... I tried to plug the keyboard into the mouse hole... resulting in my brother telling me I was a dumbass... now can I build a RAID server and terminate my own CAT5.... and I am not a IT tech. I'm actually a designer so if you're mean to me I will make it look like you have a penis for a nose. You have been warned. You would think my blog page would be all fancy and shit but you know what they say "cobbler's kids have no shoes"

7. How often do you upgrade to a new operating system?
Usually when a new one comes out I upgrade my work PC... But I have multiple PCs/Macs in my office with multiple operating systems... I'm like a computer hoarder... Buried Alive 

I have never watched this show but I have heard rumors that scare me... Like someone finding a dead cat buried under newspapers... A. How is this possible? and B. Doesn't it smell???? 

8. Are you a short-cutter (CTRL+C) or a right-clicker?
Short Cuts... right clicking is for pansies.

9. Is computer-use a constant thing in your life (such as using it both at work and home) or do you get a break (because you don’t use them at work)?
I'm about 6 months away from having a USB port surgically inserted into my neck... Johnny Mnemonic your cyberpunk ass is soooo 90's.

10. Where do you think the world would be if personal computers did not exist?
I imagine it being like the land of OZ... but with Umpa Lumpas instead of Munchkins. If I only had a Brain... or a baby. I'm not picky. And seriously, if the man behind the curtain could give the tin man a heart I feel like stealing someones baby would be cake. Am I right?

BOO BEES

The other night I was sitting at the kitchen table talking to McLovin when he took his index finger and shoved it between my boobs into my cleavage and started giggling like a little idiot.

Me: Really?

McLovin: What?....... They were asking for it...

Me: You know that's what rapists say...

McLovin: So.... your saying I'm a booby rapist?   

PS - I know I have been MIA for awhile.... I really have no excuse. Sometimes I just flake out. But thanks for bearing with me :)

PIMP MY BROCCOLI

This is how dinner is decided in our house:

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McLovin: Thoughts on dinner? Would you want salad or are you still scared of Romaine lettuce?  We could have grilled chicken and baked potatoes?

This was during the romaine lettuce  e coli outbreak... You know where e coli lives? In your butt... That means the romaine lettuce was really butt lettuce. Nothing makes a salad fresher then a side of butt bacteria.

Me: Grilled chix... baked potatoe and broccoli... mmmmmm sold!

McLovin: Ummm broccoli?  Who said anything about broccoli?  Unless of course you mean taking the broccoli, mashing it up with the potatoes and some chez and then placing it back into the baked shell...that would be OK.  With some bacon bits on top.

Me: Why are you ruining my broccoli... it's a perfectly respectable veggie and then you have to go and whore it out by slathering it in cheese and bacon...

McLovin: If you want me eating this "perfectly respectable veggie" then it'll be whored out in cheesy bacon goodness.

Me: I don't think the Jolly Green Giant would appreciate your intentions.

McLovin: You know it sounds good...and technically the only "bad" thing is the bacon.  And that's debatable.  Bacon is healthy in 90% of America's eyes.  True story...I have a keyboard in front of me that I typed it on so it must be true.

Me: It's still dressing the broccoli up to be all fancy like a $5 hooker just so unsuspecting people will nibble on her yummy goodness... only instead of just giving you vitamins she also passes on the added salt and fat from the bacon and cheese... aka food herpes.

McLovin: Mmmmmm food herpes are delicious.

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For your broccoli entertainment... I'm choppin BroccoLi!

DEEP THOUGHTS WITH MCLOVIN

"The dermatologist checks out my derm the same way the gynecologist checks out your gyn..."

I have come to the conclusion that when we have kids they are going to have some seriously screwed up ideas about the way the world works... and which doctors to see for which parts.

MY FERTILITY BLOG IS ANTI CHILDREN???

So apparently you can go to a website and type in your URL and see what your blog is rated. Pretty cool right! You can try it with your blog with this link: http://www.oneplusyou.com/bb/blog_rating

It turns out My blog is rated NC-17... Patently Adult. Children Are NOT Admitted.

 NC-17... That's worse than R.... Really? 

I mean I knew I wasn't posting stuff you would read to a kid at bedtime but NC-17??? That's one step away from X and X = porn.

And by using the word porn (shit now I used it twice) I probably pushed my blog over the edge.... X rating here we come!

I got this rating for using the following words:

zombie (10x) - Really? The apocalypse was coming... What word was I supposed to use? Plus, I was giving helpful tips for survival.  

ass (6x) - Ass? But, it's just another word for a donkey...

dick (4x) - well... ok. maybe I could have used another word... a more PC word... fine.

anal (3x) - I don't even remember using this word... weird.

whore (2x) -   hmmmmmm. OK I did use this word. I can see that it could be offensive. But I'm pretty sure I was talking about dead women so how offended could they be?

bastard (1x) - I feel like bastard shouldn't rank higher than words like shit or fuck... right? Because I know I have used those words... Come to think of it, why is ass worse than shit and fuck???  I think someone needs to get their priorities straight.

I mean, ok, when you string the words together it does sound pretty bad: zombie, ass, dick, anal, whore, bastard.... it's kind of like a rough storyline for a necrophilia X rated movie.

But really.... this is just a fertility blog to make people laugh when they are feeling down about life.

I didn't realize infertility was so racy.

What did your blog get rated?

OPEN LETTER TO MOTHER NATURE

Dear Mother Nature,

We need to talk...

I know that I have been your neighbor for close to 7 years and we have never actually had a full conversation. At least not one that strayed from the bland bullshit people say to each other to appear cordial when really all I'm thinking is "Seriously bitch, I think you have a screw loose and I gotta get inside to cook this wiener schnitzel. Good day to you."

Things have been strained between us lately... I'm not sure if it is because I accidentally called you Mother Nature to your face? Please understand we are not 100% sure what your real name is and therefore had to come up with a nickname* to prevent confusion within the compound known as our home. We gave you the nickname "Mother Nature" because of the glorious flowers you always have potted around your step. I am sure you have noticed that we are lacking in the flower department and instead have a plastic topiary. I think we can both agree that I am a sorry excuse for a woman. I have a fake tree on my stoop, a square wreath at Christmas and an empty uterus. You on the other hand have a garden bursting with color, 3 sons, and change your wreath for every season.

* I refuse to call you by what I think is your name after the awkward conversation with Russ/Ron next door after he finally told me I had been calling him the wrong name for 8 months... I'm NOT going through that again. And really (Ron/Russ)... If I get the first letter of you name right I feel like you should be happy. I have the memory of a epileptic alpaca... I can't be expected to remember everything.

Or mayhap you dislike us because McLovin called the cops on your maybe ex-boyfriend "new-dad" after he kicked in your door. If we had known you were going to start hanging out with him again immediately after he was released from jail one week later then we wouldn't have bothered. We thought we were saving you from an epic beat down and didn't realize it was part of your crazy foreplay.

I think you can understand my confusion since you have started a relationship with "The Sequel"... Who appears even bigger then "New Dad" and definitely bigger then you ex-husband. Not that I spy on the nocturnal merry-go-round happening next door... but he was kind of hard to miss when he busted into our house thinking it was yours. I would appreciate you giving better directions to your future conquests... I'm sure you can understand. It was hard to explain why I was dressed as Sock-Monkey and I feel like the nod to  "Furry culture" was missed in all the confusion.

The reason I am writing to you is that I need your help Mother Nature. I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and a half with no success... and you have managed to have 3 children within 5 years all before your "happy" marriage broke up and you began having a parade of new men in your house. Please... tell me... how did you do it? (The babies not the men)

Personally, I think you have a magical vagina. It can be the only explanation for all those kids and still having men want to beat down your door to get to you.... So what's the deal? Does it sing? Is it flavored like gin? Do you rub cat nip on it before a conquest? Maybe your bedroom has a fertility lab in it? 

Or how about this.... 

You currently have 3 boys in a two bedroom condo... If/when (cause let's get real... you don't seem to swift with the birth control thing...) you get pregnant again... We will take the baby once its born. You obviously have your hands full and honestly, where will you put another one? We have a whole empty baby room just waiting for your future love child.

Think about it.

This can be the answer to all our prayers.

Smooches!

Lucky Z.

PS - And yes I know that I need to water a plant in order to keep it alive, that tip was mighty helpful the first time you pointed out my shortcomings as a gardener... But plastic topiaries don't require water, never turn brown, and is pre-lit for Christmas... So Booyah!

I am a time management superstar!