Are You The Keymaster???

Queen B: Dude, do we know what time the world is supposed to be ending on Friday?

Me: Why? Are you freaked out by that?

Queen B: No but I need to have some sex before the World ends just in case.

Me: Oh, well you should bang before Friday morning.

Queen B: OK Thanks.

Me: Somewhere it will be 12/21/12 before us.

Queen B: Right

Me: Who the fuck knows what time zone the Mayans were basing their calendar on.

Queen  B: Yeah true, fucking Mayans.

Me: You think they would throw us a bone and give us a time... and what if they are one day off on their prediction??? It's Thursday afternoon and the world explodes out of the blue?

Queen B: Yeah or Saturday. Friday passes and we all think fucking asshole Mayans... full of shit... everyone is relieved and then FUCK the planet explodes...

Me: Right and we'll all be sitting in line to get judged at the gates going... fucking Mayan assholes... Couldn't even get a date right. Because you know there will be a line to get in... everyone dies at once... it's gonna be a disaster...

Saint Peter is gonna be all... "Sorry this is my lunch break" there will be rioting in limbo...
Do you think that gets held against you???

Queen B: Do I think we really get judged you mean?

Me: No, Saint Peter is up there according to the bible right? Being all judgy judgy about what you did with your life and being Mr. Cool Boy Bouncer to Club God

Queen B: Ok

Me: So he has his little book with all your dirty secrets of what you did on earth...

Queen B: Wait... I always thought God had the book himself...

Me: No dude, Saint Peter is the gate keeper.

Queen B: Is that a Catholic thing? Because I don't remember that.

Me: I thought it was bible thing... It was written so saith the Lord...

“Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on
earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”
-Matthew 16:17-19 (NIV)

^ ^ ^
See
Peter holds the keys to heaven...

Queen B: Geez, all this time I've been praying to the wrong guy...

Me: So anyway... If there is a wait to get in and your already dead, can you screw around while you wait and it won't count against you?

Queen B: I don't think you'll be thinking about screwing up when you're waiting to see if you're going to heaven or hell asshole. I would think you'd try to be on your best behavior. You better be standing there singing Kumbaya on repeat.

Me: True... Well, either way, you should bone down on Wednesday night just to be safe... That is my professional opinion. Kumbaya Motherfucker!

The Elf That Lived...

After only 15 days on duty... Buddy the Elf decided he could take no more...*

Me: Dude... is watching your royal children such a harrowing experience your elf decided to off himself???

Queen B: He is holding on with his hands, asshole!

Me: Well he looks suicidal to me. 

Queen B: You would think that dickhead.

Me: On his first day "Buddy" the Elf was sitting next to a bottle of liqueur... This isn't a G rated elf we are talking about. Next he'll be holding an overcoat open at the window.

Queen B: Or banging Barbie.

Me: True... Do you have Barbies in your house? They better hide! Buddy will be all "Let me dry hump you or the kids don't get Christmas you slutty whore! I'm gonna smack you in the mouth with my candy cane of love!"

Queen B: No we don't.

Me: Oh.... Well, crisis averted then. Christmas is saved!.

*No Elves or Barbies were harmed in the making of this post...

Eye of the beholder

It's pretty well acknowledged from people who know me that I have terrible taste in men.

And by that I don't mean McLovin... It's a mystery that I ended up with someone as normal looking as him.

Just add 15 years... Be jealous. I get this every night...

I'm talking celebrity men who make my heart go pitterpat. Let's review...

--

DAVID BOWIE!!!
The Be all end all celebrity love of my life

Shhhhh... No more words.... Our hearts beat as one...

He is older then my father and for awhile people didn't know if he was a man or woman... gay or straight... All I can say is the Goblin King stole my heart at a very young age and he will remain there... Foreva!

But let's be clear... I'm not a stalker. I don't know his life story. I'm not hanging outside his garbage shoot so I can rub his coffee grounds in my hair. AND judging by his marriage to the beautiful statuesque Somalian model Iman, I am quite sure my barely over 5' whiter than sour cream ass would not be the stuff of fantasy for the Thin White Duke.

So don't worry David. There's no need for alarm. My love is pure and locked away in my heart.

--

Some Runners Up... Or as Mclovin puts it... the freak show... 

--

Mick Jagger

Always the joker, Mick decided to dress as an angry growler for Halloween...

It's rumored he slept with David Bowie... (I wouldn't mind being the filling in THAT sandwich...) And Pete Townshend has even gone on record in his autobiography Who Am I that "Mick is the only man I've ever seriously wanted to fuck."... Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera want Moves like Jagger and even will.i.am & JLo know he is T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever) 

I feel we should all just stop fighting what so many people already know... He has laid enough pipe to bring the fireworks in the boom boom room and he has enough stories to blow your mind as well... Win to the mother-fucking Win.

Need more proof??? Observe... Hard like trigonometry indeed... 

--
Jack White

Does this mustache make me look like a kid toucher?

Jack White of the White Stripes, The Raconteurs, The Dead Weather and solo fame. He sings, acts, plays guitar, the drums, the piano, writes songs... If that bucket load of talent doesn't light some fires I don't know what will. Sure he's a little eccentric. And it was rumored that he was boning his sister, who turned out to be his ex-wife... But these things are just part of his charm.



--

The Predator

Looking for someone to probe big boy???

If I had to bone an alien this is my pick...
The Predator is Dead Sexy.
Seriously who do you think has a bigger dong? The Predator or one of those bug-eyed mother fuckers??? I'm an extraterrestrial size queen.

He doesn't pack much in the pants but he'll eye fuck the shit out of you...

--

There are more but I will leave you wondering who else made the list... because I'm a Lady and ladies don't give at all away for free.

Who's on your list?  

Hey Y'All

I recently came across this photo... Two things...

#1 Is it me or do Paul Deen's shoulders look too small to be supporting her head??? Like a bobble-head.  Bobble-heads are both charming and delightful but human bobble-heads are creepy. I'm scared her neck is gonna snap.

Hey Y'All today we're gonna cook some frog legs in a stick of butter!

#2 Why does Paula Dean remind me of Miss Piggy??? Is it her eyes??? Or is it because I always envisioned Miss Piggy living in the south? Either way it is very odd. It's like God was inspired by Jim Henson when he created Paula. Something about the eyes. Lifeless eyes, like a muppet's eyes.

BONUS THOUGHT
I'm pretty sure Katy Perry & Zooey Deschanel are the same person...

Katy is the naughty yin to Zooey's wholesome yang.

Wiggles

Txts with McLovin...

==

Me - Hey.... have you heard about these Wiggles? They have a song where they sing about the days of the week and Thursday is bratwurst day... I'm pretty sure the Wiggles jumped the shark on that one...

==

McLovin - You should be embracing that day. It's practically German Day.

==

Me - Right but Monday was Muffins. Tuesday was Tacos. and Wednesday was Watermelon. There is a theme. Then they get to Thursday and throw out Bratwurst. How are kids supposed to learn when they are doing shit like that???

==

McLovin - If the rest of the days follow the theme and only Thursday stands out then the Wiggles are telling you something... and not very subtlety.

==

Me - Well I will keep you posted. Rest assured I am looking into this situation.

==

Me - Fish Friday. Saturday is Sultana Day... Whatever the fuck THAT is. And Sunday is Sandwich Day... Bit of a lame finish if you ask me.

So Thursday was the only day that didn't match the food / day starting with the same letter.

==

McLovin - You know what that means don't you?

==

Me - That the Wiggles are slackers because they couldn't come up with another T food besides Taco Tuesdays.

==

McLovin -  Nope, Bratwurst is code for penis... So that probably means you should bang me tonight.

==

Me - Wow... I walked right into that one.

==

McLovin - Just Sayin...

==

PS - Sultana is a grape... I know, I had to look that shit up too. I don't know who is walking around calling green grapes Sultanas but I guarantee they are insufferable know-it-alls. I mean these Wiggles don't even get the days of the week in the right order (Sunday is the FIRST day of the week assholes!) but they want to call a green grape a sultana because that's it's proper "name".

Of course I just looked it up and there seems to be some confusion about the first day of the week. According to the international standard ISO 8601, Monday shall be the first day of the week ending with Sunday as the seventh day of the week.

So there's that... My whole life is lies.
I have to go call my parents now and make sure I wasn't adopted.

The Trouble with Pants

Txts with McLovin...
approx 10:30 this morning.

==

McLovin - Soooo my zipper just fell off.

==

Me - Your pants zipper?

==

McLovin - Yeah... off. I'm flapping in the breeze over here.

==

Me - Do you have access to double stick tape? Worse case you could maybe use a stapler, but then you would need to go into the bathroom with a stapler...

 So if you hid it in your pocket people would think you had a huge rod and were going to whack off... but if you just saunter in with the stapler exposed people with think your whacking off to office supplies....

Pop Quiz hot shot... what kind of office pervert do you want to be?

==

McLovin - Seriously this is a problem... my rig just failed.

==

Me - What was your rig?

==

McLovin - No stapler access... My rig was just a random paper clip. I need to find an old used staple to help this rig out.

==

Me - OK no stapler... Do you have tape?

==

McLovin - No tape either... I've found a paper clip and an old staple. Those are in use but highly unstable.

==

Me - Can you reinforce it with the sticky part of a sticky pad?

==

McLovin - Are you fucking with me?!?!?

==

Me - No! It could work. I have faith in your Macgyver abilities.

==

McLovin - Post it stick is terrible. It wouldn't trap a gimp gnat.

==

Me - I have seen something similar done with Velcro but I am going to assume you don't have access to that since you can't even be trusted with  a stapler.

==

McLovin - Velcro???? Really???? That's your big suggestion.

==

Me - I have seen Velcro used with much success. OK... Do you have glue?

==

McLovin - Seriously???? I don't work in a fucking art school. I work at a "paperless" company whose office supplies are kept at the front desk with a receptionist.

==

Me - Listen, we aren't going to solve this problem with negativity.

==

McLovin -At my desk I have... a tack, a pen, a tablet, my PC, my Laptop, a Water, a Coffee, and three hanging Alligator Clips with giant spikes... and before you ask I am not messing with those and my crotch.

==

Me - OK that's not much to work with. My best suggestion is for you to walk around with something suspiciously covering your crotch region then go out to "lunch" and hall ass to the nearest Target to buy new pants or a stapler. Your call there... I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life.

==

McLovin -After my meeting I'm going to "lunch". Do you know how many times I've had to purchase pants while at lunch??? Twice... That's two times too many.

==

Me - Twice including today or twice total???

==

McLovin - Plus I have had to replace shoes and socks (twice), a belt (once) and a shirt (once)

==

Me - WTF are you doing at work? You work in an office for Christ's sake!

==

McLovin - No one should have that many wardrobe changes in the parking lot of a strip mall.

==

Me - Not unless your a prostitute... Are you turning tricks on the side?

==

McLovin - I'm glad you find this amusing. 

Sesame Street

Me - I found Alphabet Dog and the "bomb" angry bird in a compromising position this morning... Apparently they had quite the x-rated night. Does the corruption of our children know no bounds?

McLovin - Creeps... Tha's why he needs Sesame Street.

Me - Let's hope it's still as pure as our childhood memories when it was still ok for two grown man puppets and their rubber ducky to take a bubble bath together.

McLovin - I thought they killed one of them.

Me - I think that was a myth... That Bert got hit by a school bus to teach of the perils of crossing the road.

... 10 min later ...

Yup, Bert's on the website touting "Argyle Socks are the Greatest" whilst holding up a photo of two pigeons... I forgot he had a thing for pigeons.

McLovin - I forgot that too.

Me - So I guess Bert and Ernie were gay* and Bert is also rocking bestiality with those pigeons. Ernie on the other hand is in love with his rubber ducky. So I guess that's the modern day equivalent to a real doll?

McLovin - For puppets that is indeed a real doll.

Me - I wonder what other messed up shit we missed as innocent youths.

McLovin - Well it appears that The Count has crippling OCD but everyone acts like he is OK because his obsession is incredibly useful on a kids show.

Me - Indeed.

*Official statement from Sesame Street:  Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets™ do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.

You can't make this shit up people.

Really Pampers?

Does anyone notice anything a little off about this box? 

Hail Pampers!*

Perhaps the Pampers Marketing department should rethink this box design?
Way to go Pampers Marketing Team!  

*I know this wasn't intentional but I feel the choice of baby (blond hair blue eyes) and his positioning is a little unfortunate. 

This Is Why Girls Don't Plan Bachelor Parties.

Queen B - OK so listen to this...

==

Me - Whats up?

==

Queen B - So J is trying to plan B's bachelor party & of course it's gonna involve strippers

==

Me - Right... Obviously

==

Queen B - He was saying that he wants to go somewhere that serves food & has dancers so that if someone wants to get a lap dance, they can do it at their leisure instead of having girls hawking you for dollars. So I thought of this place right near my work XX. Have you heard of it?

==

Me - No dick... I don't hang out in strip clubs.... Ass.

==

Queen B - It's a steakhouse/"upscale" gentleman's club but they serve alcohol so the girls can't be nude
just real skimpy so here's my thing... J wants me to find out about the steakhouse b/c I know the owner
but if C finds out that I'm basically hooking them up, she'll probably wanna shank me.

==

Me - Why? She knows there will be strippers right? If she freaks be like:

Listen bitch.. the strippers... They're happening... so put your big girl pants on and fucking relax. 

==

Queen B - Her stipulations were no hotel room with strippers & no private room at a strip club she said she's ok w/ them going to a strip club.

==

Me - Right so they are getting dinner and a show. I mean the worse that could happen would be pubes in their steak sauce, but that shit is on them... I have no sympathy

==

Queen B - My thing is, I'm trying to see if you get to see boobies while you eat b/c if not, it'll suck, but how do I ask that?

==

Me - Just call and say I want dinner and a show... not a bathing suit show... I would watch the miss america pageant for that shit... Will we see tits or should we keep looking?

==

Queen B - Well first off, I know they don't show bare tits b/c they sell alcohol but they can wear thongs.

==

Me - Why does alcohol = no bare tits?

==

Queen B - It's a law dick.

==

Me - Bare Tits = no drinks? Well, that's a shitty law. What is america coming to? I don't want to live in a world where I can't enjoy boobies with my bottle of Bud.

==

Queen B - It's seriously a law.

==

Me - I thought they just needed to keep their pants on.

==

Queen B - No i think tops too.

==

Me - If there is beer then there is no beaver... I'm pretty sure about that. But the no beaver rule I can get behind because its just unhygienic to be dancing around with that out. I thought the boobs were always on the table though... even with alcohol.

==

Queen B - Maybe they are, who knows.

==

Me - Well if they aren't we need to write to our congressmen and get that law changed asap. Boobies make everything better. I'm sure you agree.

==

Queen B - True.

==

15 minutes later...

==

Me - So did you call? What did they say?

==

Queen B - I can't. You call for me.

==

Me - Why the fuck would I call to check on the naked booby situation for you husbands friends bachelor party? So a bunch of dudes can eat steak and bust a nut!?!? You must have lost your mind......... 

I'll check with McLovin.

==

Queen B - What did he say???

==

Me - He asked why we were interested...

Then said to check the club's website and called us amateurs.

==

Queen B - No Bare Boobs - BAM - McLovin is a genius. That saved time.

==

Me - Next time tell J to plan his own shit. We've wasted 45 minutes on this... That's a whole lotta time for me to spend trying to figure out the stripper laws of this state. 

Deep Thoughts: With McLovin

About the Gabby Douglas Hair Controversy:

--

When I was 16 all I cared about was video games and jerking off... That Gabby should tell those assholes that her hair has more talent then them and to fuck off.... At 16 she has two gold medals... Do you know what I had at 16??? A bunch of used tissues...

--

Yup... McLovin... Keepin it classy.

I can't wait to hear the inspired pep talks he will have for The Spud when he is older...

Has this ever happened to you?

McLovin - What is it about farting in the shower that produces super farts?

Me - It's probably a combo of the water and your vibrating cheeks that makes it more noisy.

McLovin - No no. Not the sound. The smell. It's like egg to the power of two. I got so distracted I couldn't remember if I washed my hair so I had to do it again.

Me - From what your describing I don't recall ever farting in the shower.

McLovin - That's impossible.

Me - Impossible but true.

Holy V

My friend Queen B is the definition of a button pusher.

She will say /ask anything in the effort to get a response. She feeds off embarrassing people and that will only instigate her to keep going... I have found the best way to shut her down is to lead the discussion to the ridiculous until she gets frustrated and gives up...

Observe...

==

Queen B - So did u have wild sex this weekend?

Me - Nope, we decided to have mediocre sex... See how the other half lives. 

Queen B - Does McLovin ever cry during sex?

Me - Yeah all the time, because sex with me is like a fucking holy experience... He has found God and he resides in my Lady Garden... so spread the word.

Queen B - No dick, does he ever get emotional because you're the mother of his child.

Me - I just told you sexing me is a holy experience... it's fucking divinity personified... My tits can blind the unfaithful.

Queen B - No.

Me - It's true.

Queen B - That's not what I'm talking about.

Me - You better not come around me when I'm topless cause it sounds like you're a non believer, you dirty sinner. I'll melt your face like the Ark in that Indiana Jones movie.

Queen B - Your an asshole. 

Me - Well you have been warned. I can smite you with the wrath of a thousand sun's just by uncrossing my legs. 

People Zoo

Me - Do you ever think about what would happen to us if Aliens took over the planet?

McLovin - Yeah... We would be toast.

Me - No, like if they decided to keep us like pets. To study us. I wonder what that would be like. What would they put in our environment.

McLovin - Why would they keep us? We're assholes.

Me - Well Hippos are assholes too and we keep them in zoos.

McLovin - True.

Me - So would they give us a whole house to roam around in or just one room?

McLovin - Probably one room.

Me - And they would probably try breading us in captivity like we do now with zoo animals. But what if they split us up!?!?! Aliens don't care if your married.

McLovin - Looks like I'm getting some strange.

Me - Really? You would just go for it?

McLovin - Well they split us up? I don't know if I will ever see you again. How long do you expect me to carry a torch for you?

Me - Wow... So that's it then. If aliens invade and put you in a pen with some whore your gonna dive right in?

McLovin - Well, to be fair I would probably wait till they brought in the Panda Porn.

Me - Wait what?

McLovin - You know... Cause sometimes the Pandas have trouble doing it in captivity... So they show them Panda Porn to put them in the mood. Only I would want People Porn... Panda Porn would just be weird. I would hold out for the people porn.

Me - Yes, well you have to draw the line somewhere I suppose.

Dear Jen,

Dear Jen,

(I like to think I can call you Jen, even though we never met. Since I read your blog I feel like we're friends... Obviously I don't have many real friends. But don't worry, I'm not one of those stalker, I want to wear your face as a mask kind of friends... Those are the WORST friends. I more of a wall flower internet friend. :) See you can tell by my smiley emoticon.)
                           

Your stewing has cause me to stew... And I would appreciate if you stayed out of my stew.

I am of course stewing about your Whoa, Indeed post. 
(If you haven't read it please click the link here... I will wait. )
Done? Ok good.

I'm stewing Jen.  And let me tell you why...

---

Woah is actually a perfectly correct way to spell "Whoa". The OED lists woah as a variant of woa which is a variant of whoa, which is a variant of the interjection who (not to be confused with the pronoun who--the interjection is pronounced as wo--which is also a variant of all these), which came into the language as a variant of ho!

Therefore your whole blog about the travesty of  a misspelling getting printed in a national ad campaign is no longer really valid. I'll admit going the whole OED route is a little "uber nerd" but I didn't make the woah/whoa rules.  

This is just me being nitpicky...

---



I don't know how all ad agencies work but I do work for an ad agency. I can tell you right now there are not that many people looking at an ad before it gets to the client. Using Mad Men for your basis on how an ad agency works would be like me judging your life off Carrie in Sex and The City.

I would like to think that whoever designed the Skinny Cow ad had tons of time to get their creative juices flowing but, I wouldn't bet money on them having more than a day max.  Also, I wouldn't be at all surprised if the project request was this: Skinny Cow ad to make people feel bubbly and magical and like rainbows might shoot out of their butts.



Client / Agency relationship perfectly illustrated here.

This isn't my main annoyance... It is a common misconception and maybe Skinny Cow did use a huge agency with multiple layers of management.

---

This is the one that really tweaked my nipples.

Blaming Generation Y...

Really... really.... This "error" is obviously  the work of Generation Y???

I am not too pleased about these broad labels that get thrown all over Generation Y... I'm not saying that there aren't people out there who deserve it.  I know a lot of whinny self worshiping hipsters who need to get their silver spoons surgically removed from their mouths. But, for you to  blindly blame someone from Generation Y because we are all a bunch of lazy sloppy tools is driving me up a wall.

I shouldn't be surprised though... Don't older Generations always hate the younger generations? I'm sure my Grandparents thought Woodstock was the beginning of the Apocalypse and the four horsemen were disguised as dirty hippies.

Also, have you seen Generation Z? They seem like a bunch of shifty bastards if you ask me. Definitely not to be trusted. Something about the eyes... Lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. Gives me the creeps  

So please don't pigeon hole an entire generation because you have a chip on your shoulder about some Generation X's being out of work and a "misspelled" Skinny Cow ad.

Or we could just agree to disagree... Because that's what friends do.

Smooches,

Lucky Z

Penguins... The Dirty Cover Up

McLovin - Did you hear? Penguins are pervs.

Me - No, but now I'm intriged. Go on...

McLovin - Apparently there was a study back in 1910 when they went to the poles.... and they were appalled by their behaivor and didn't publish the info until now.

Me - Really... That txt is the equivalant of a cock tease. What is this super secret penguin perv intell!?!?!?

McLovin - Here is the article: Pervy Penguins Read At Your Own Risk

Me - Well there you have it. I always knew that "March of the Penguins" documentary was covering up a dark secret.

McLovin - Who knew that their tuxes covered up such debauchery.

Me - The bigger question is how did the French film crew benefit from covering up this behavior?

McLovin - I guess lots of used tissues.

Me - It would be just like those dirty penguins to pay them off in flipper-jobs. And then they sold the film as family friendly! The outrage!


The ugly face of bestiality...

Nightmare

Me - So I had a nightmare last night that Kim Kardashian's mom destroyed my chap stick. I mean who does that shit? I was really pissed off when I woke up this morning.

Queen B - Dude. That is so random.

Me - The weirdest part was she destroyed it because she thought I was hitting on Kim's husband... Who is now her ex... But in my dream they were still married. When really the only reason I was talking to him was to find out what type of shoes I should buy... flats, heals or strappy sandals. That lady is a menace... she has to be stopped

Queen B - The weirdest part about that whole description is that you were talking to someone about shoes.

 Me - Well to be fair... I was asking because I had no idea what type of shoe to buy... and I was asking a dude who had no idea either.... apparently even in my dreams I'm not fashion forward.

Queen B - True

Me - I'm hoping tonight I dream that I stab a bitch... you don't mess with someones chap stick... this isn't over Kim's mom!

Queen B - Nice. I hope the saga continues.

Me - I'll keep you posted

Interview Etiquette 101

I see a lot of stuff online about interview etiquette. Stuff like "Dress to Impress" or "Smile" or "Don't be an Asshole"... It's a little insane how many articles there are out there with the same advice over and over and over. It made me think of the last time McLovin had an interview.

He was applying for a job within the same company so he knew the guy who was interviewing him.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Txts Before interview:

McLovin - Should I start the interview with "Hey, haven't I seen you naked?"

Me - Probably... It would be a good ice breaker.

==

Txts After interview:

McLovin - OK, the interview went well. I hope I get the job.

Me - I knew it would go well. If you have won a starring contest with someone's taint it's pretty hard to fuck up the interview.

McLovin - touché

----------------------------------------------------------------

Just to clear up the whole naked thing.

The company has a gym. Sometimes people go to the gym at lunch. Sometimes people use the showers after the gym. Some people like to cover up immediately after taking a shower. Some other people like to wander around the locker room naked as a jay bird making everyone else uncomfortable. Sometimes those naked people like to engage in conversations with clothed people as if they are fully clothed.

So you see, opening with "I have seen you naked" would have been true in this case. It's probably not the best opener if you want to land the job though.

I know in America we are a little uptight about the nude thing. But honestly if I work with someone I really don't want to know how they shave their bush. Also please at least have some type of bottom on before bending over... I do not need a glimpse into your black hole.   

Happy Friday!

Let's all celebrate like this guy!  

PS - His move around the 40 second mark is going to be my new IT move.

For those that are curious THIS used to be my signature move until Nick Cannon whipped it out on AGT (around 28 second mark.). Now that the move is all main stream I guess I have to branch out. Thanks a lot Nick Cannon you dick hole! 

It Has Begun...

Did you see this article???

http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/05/29/naked-man-chews-other-guys-face-shot-dead-by-cops/

Apparently a naked homeless guy was found eating another mans face off.

And that my friends is what nightmares are made of.

McLovin came home last night practically giddy about this news. He is now convinced the Zombies have come and that this is the first little blip to let us know they are here.

I know... How do I live with this person???

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McLovin - Did you hear the news? A naked homeless man was found eating someones face off in Florida!

--

Me - And your excited about this why???

--

McLovin - Don't you know what this means? Zombies! They are finally here! And they're naked!

--

Me - It probably means he was on a shit ton of drugs and was hallucinating he was a stripper named Savage Candy.

--

McLovin - Government made zombie drugs that make you eat peoples faces off! Yeah!

--

Me - You said he was homeless, he was probably just hungry.  

--

McLovin - Really? You think eating someones face off is normal hungry behavior? They had to shoot him multiple times before they finally killed him too. The bullets had no effect. Not until they got him with a head shot! That's like Zombie 101 shit right there.

--

Me - Look all I'm saying is maybe you like to jump onto the zombie bandwagon early... Remember the zombie Squirrel?

--

McLovin - OMG I can't believe your bringing him up now! He was sitting on the side of the road EATING another squirrel... That's not normal!

--

Me - It is if you have rabies.

--

McLovin - Listen... This homeless guy was a Zombie... He didn't think he is stripper named Savage Candy and he didn't have rabies... Tonight while you sleep I'm gonna shave your head... Because I love you.

--

Me - Well great. A naked homeless man decides to go buck wild and turn his friends face into a buffet and I get my head shaved.... Thanks a lot Florida.

--

McLovin - Don't thank Florida, thank the Zombies.

----------------------------------

So thanks Zombies you insufferable assholes. Now my husband is on high alert and thinks he needs to shave my head out of love to protect me. I had to hide the razors and slept with one eye open last night.

When I become a zombie the first face I'm eating off is that bitch next door who backed into my car.

Whose face are you going to snack on?

Lemon Rosemary Zucchini Bread

I'm posting something new this time.

This is an actual recipe that McLovin LOVES. It's really good and pretty easy to make.

Let me know if you would be interested in me posting more recipes! I hope you enjoy.

INGREDIENTS

3 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
2 Tbsp minced fresh rosemary
2 eggs
1/2 cup melted unsalted butter
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 teaspoons salt (omit if using salted butter)
1 1/4 cup sugar
1 Tbsp lemon zest
3 cups grated zucchini (from about 1 pound of zucchini)

STEPS

1 Preheat oven to 350F. Prepare two 4x9-inch loaf pans, either coating with butter or spraying with baking spray.

2 In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, and rosemary.

3 Beat the eggs in a mixer (or by hand) until frothy. Beat in the sugar. Beat in the melted butter and olive oil. Stir in the lemon zest and grated zucchini.

4 Add the dry ingredients to the wet, a third at a time, stirring after each incorporation.

5 Divide batter/dough into two loaf pans. Bake in a 350°F oven for 45 to 50 minutes. Test after 40 minutes. If you gently press down on the surface of the loaf, it should bounce back, and a bamboo skewer inserted into the center should come out clean.

6 Remove from the oven. Let cool for a few minutes and then remove the loaves from their pans to cool on a rack.

TIME BOMBS OF KNOWLEDGE

emails with McLovin

---------------------

Me -  I got a reminder on me outlook that I have to register my car... not sure when I put that memo in for myself but I must have been sure that I would forget without the reminder. Did I get anything in the mail for that???

--

McLovin - Wow...look at that self managing. Pretty soon I'll be out of a job!*

Yes,  we did get a dmv reg mail the other day. I was going to take care of it since I have to go there to turn in my old plates. You'll have to sign the thingy though. That reminds me, I have to put the inspection extention sticker on Gumpert.**

--

Me - I know... apparently I can be organized... I almost fell out of my chair I was so shocked when I got the memo from myself... I was all...

"Wow past self, thanks for looking out for future self and Gumpert... Please keep up the good work"

 It makes me wonder what other little time-bombs of knowledge I have planned for my future self.

 I wouldn't worry about being out of a job though... this type of organizing probably isn't a new leaf... more like... I had coffee that day and was feeling like being an eager beaver to make my future self feel bad about being a slacker.

---------------------

This whole exchange sort of reminded me of that movie The Lake House, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Which I actually never saw because I always thought the idea of a mailbox sending letters through time was sort of a dumb idea for a rom-com. Plus do I really need to spend two hours of my life waiting for Keanu and Sandy fall for each other again????

At least I used to think it was a dumb idea until I started sending memos to myself through time with outlook.  So now I don't know...

Maybe those Lake House people were on to something and time vortex mail boxes will be the new fad in internet dating since internet dating has become the new hot spot for "playas". It would kind of be like dating Russian Roulette because you stick your letter in and you don't know where the fuck it's going to end up. Which is probably why the postal system is in trouble. Who wants to be sending a check to their electric company just to get it hijacked by some possessed mailbox?

I mean, even if the end result is true love I'm pretty sure the electric company isn't going to be sympathetic to your single and lonely ass when they aren't getting paid and then have to turn off your electric as a lesson to you. So now people all over America will be finding true love through their mail but their utilities will be in a constant state of flux. Honestly it sounds like the business model needs work. And that's why you should only trust letters from the future if they come from yourself.  

---------------------

* McLovin manages my life. Without him I would forget to set my alarm for work, never remember to deposit paychecks, and forget to do things like eat lunch. My parents should probably thank him every day for keeping me alive.  I imagine without him I would probably end up looking like some kind of deranged recluse.

**Gumpert is the name of my car. He is the fastest car in the world masquerading as an unassuming compact SUV. Fear him. He will own you as we meander by at the speed of a June Bug on LSD.

MURDER

I witnessed straight up murder on my way into work today.

MURDER.

I was driving along... everything is lovely.

Look how blue the sky is!



Look at that fluffy cloud.



Look at the crisp green grass.



Oh look! An adorable fluffy bunny how cute. Spring really is in the air.

Then... Death rained down from above with talons of fear and carnage.



And the bunny was all...



And the next thing you know it was over and the hawk was jauntily flying off with his victim.

So that happened.

It was a hit and run.

But murder is murder no mater how small.

Gardening Tips

Gardening - It's yet another way I fail as a women... Below is an email exchange with one of McLovin's work colleague's who also happens to be an amazing gardener.

Observe.  

-----------------------------------

McLovin - It's me at Nancy’s desk….actually in a conference room but whatever.   Nancy has 15 years of experience with gardening….she can help you out with tips and whatnot.

==

Me - Oh my God! Nancy!!!!! I am the worst with planets...if I look at them they die!

==

Nancy - It can’t be that bad! You  know what really works besides, fertilizer and watering…talking to them, caressing their petals showing them attention…I know it sounds totally weird, but it works.   Any tips you need or if you want me to stop by and help you with any planting just let me know.  It’s very relaxing for me…

==

McLovin - BWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  Nancy molests her plants!

==

Nancy - Don’t listen to him, it works because they are living things and believe it or not they have feelings and senses just like we do, well kind of different...but you know what I mean.

==

McLovin - Plant Toucher.

==

Nancy - I wouldn’t expect you to understand smart ass.   Look it up if you don’t believe me… 

==

Me - I've heard of talking to them but I have never actually talked to them...I touched one once and the flower heads started falling off so I stopped...seriously I'm a disaster with planets...ask McLovin...1 hour after planting plants this year the things leaves were turning brown...

==

Nancy - Well that's... unfortunate.  

==

Mclovin -  Wow, nice pep talk Nancy.

==

Nancy - I can't help the hopeless McLovin. 

-------------------------------

The truly sad part about this is I grew up in farm country.... Farms everywhere. Everyone is a farmer. During the summer I don't even buy produce from a store because you can get anything locally sold at roadside stands. One of our friends has even created a hybrid blueberry. I shit you not. He said "Fuck all these normal blueberries" and he created something new. Who does that? An overachiever that's who!

And this year I will be struggling to keep a cactus alive.... I've decided to go with an aloe plant. Then if people ask I can be all "I'm only growing things that are medicinal this year" like I'm some kind of gardening hipster. When in reality I am reading that aloe plant a bedtime story and tucking it in praying it doesn't shrivel up and die in a blaze of aloey glory. Say a prayer for my aloe plant. I have named him Al and he will need all the prayers he can get since he is basically sitting on death row.   

MOTHER'S DAY GIFT GUIDE!

Everywhere I look online there are helpful little Mother's Day gift guides. And they are full of the same boring crap people give Mom's every year.

For example:

1. Flowers! - Probably the #1 go to gift... You can pick up a bouquet anywhere including the grocery store but I always like the splurge for something with roots and preferably hard to kill. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Kind of like herpes but prettier and less contagious.

2. Wine - Mother's Day is the national holiday for Moms to get their drink on and pay tribute to their destroyed girly bits. Saggy boobs, stretch marks and incontinence if Helena Bonham Carter's pelvic floor is involved.

3.  Something Homemade - This can be anything. A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I once painted a rock green and gave it to my Mom for Mother's Day as a paper weight... It is probably the shitiest paper weight you have ever seen but you would have thought that rock was made of solid gold the way my Mom displayed it proudly. They recently moved and she still has that rock. My point is you could probably give your Mom dirty socks and she would love them. Because they came from you... her little love spawn.

...yawn...

BUT luckily I am here with the best most brilliant gift ever for all you crafty motherfuckers out there...

BEHOLD!
*Also, if I had to guess this video is NSFW.

  

Seriously... If my Mom was impressed with a painted rock just wait until she gets a look at these! It's like the most anatomically correct cupcake ever you guys!

*Personally I suggest strawberry cake... It's fun, festive and delicious! 

How You Know It's Time To Think About Moving...

When your neighbor backs their SUV into your parked car, then comes barreling out of the drivers side and  screams at you, calling you a Cunt...

Yup...

That right there...

Probably means it's time to think about moving.

I hope you had a better weekend than me :)

At least I have that life hurdle out of the way... There's really no where to go but up once you have been proclaimed a C You Next Tuesday. So I have THAT going for me. 

The Continued Saga of Wildlife, Drug Abuse and Infertility

Have you heard about these assholes?

Sure he might look cute and cuddly but that my friends is the face of a drug addict. Pretty much koala bears just sit around eating eucalyptus and having black out sex. I am not kidding.

Wildlife Black Out Sex.

I know what you're thinking... That doesn't sound so bad. It sounds kind of delightful. Who doesn't want to  get mellow and then wake up in a strange bed with mirrors on the ceiling, your panties on your head and unicorn spunk on the walls? In fact, that sounds like a pretty eventful afternoon.

Except you can't remember any of it.

Because you were high on eucalyptus.

And that cuddly koala left you with a little present.

Babies????

Ummmm no... this is an infertility blog remember.

Something much more sinister... Like Chlamydia.

Seriously...

Koala's have Chlamydia and now their entire population is in danger of becoming extinct because Chlamydia causes infertility. http://theweek.com/article/index/207316/are-stds-killing-koala-bears

So next time you're at the zoo and you see a cute koala on the corner and he hands you a baggy of crushed up leaves and tells you the first hit is free kick him in his furry nut sack and tell him you don't want to board his magical sex express even if it does include unicorns in thongs!

Just remember. If we all band together we can give infertility the middle finger. It will get us down but it won't beat us. We will never give up hope and we will never surrender!

So fuck you infertility and your little henchmen the koala bear! We're on to your games. And we aren't gonna take it!

We Are The Champions Motherfucker!
RIP - Freddy Mercury who died of AIDS...probably from a koala... because they are assholes like that.

PS - I'm posting this to my facebook because I battled infertility and came out on top. But it works even if you are still in the trenches because we are all champions and Mother Nature can go fuck herself!

2 AM WAKE UP

I have discovered that birds are awake and chirping at 2 am. 

WTF birds! It's not even close to sunrise.

Do you think birds get high and hallucinate that the moon is really the sun and then they're all, "Holy shit I overslept!" So they start chirping to play it off like they are totally cool and not high at all?

But then the older birds wake up and realize it's 2am and the fucking Mocking Jay is tripping balls again.

So they decide the neighborhood is obviously going to shit and they make a mental note to migrate somewhere different next year. Since Mocking Jays chirping at 2am obviously can't be trusted.

I can't be sure, but that is what I imagine is happening right now.

PS. - McLovin informed me that a Mocking Jay isn't a real bird. Apparently it is a fictional bird from the Hunger Games books. Which I have not had a chance to read yet.

Either way the type of bird wasn't really the issue. The issue is that the war on drugs has now reached the wildlife population and they are having a rave outside our bedroom window at 2am complete with glow sticks.

PPS - McLovin remains unimpressed with this news.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

It's no secret what I'll be doing this weekend!

Mmmmmmmmmmm Beefy! It's time to eat!

Enjoy your weekend!

HERE'S AN IDEA...

SHUT THE HELL UP!

I hate when men talk about child birth as if they know anything about it and it is no big deal.

FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOUR TALKING ABOUT. SHUT YOUR STUPID TRAP. FUCK YOU! THE END.

Rant Over...

almost...

Sorry.

A girl in my office just gave birth and txted a photo (of the baby not her destroyed vagina)... In the txt she said she had no time for an epidural. Which made me cringe and squeeze my legs shut...

My bosses response, who is a man obviously:
shrugs.
"Well no big deal, that happens all the time.  It's healthier for the baby anyway."

Oh really?

 

Here's an idea... How about if I rip off your balls and use them for a game of hacky sack... What's the big deal? You're done having kids right?

Fucking Asshat.

Ok rant is done for real this time.

MY EYE HAS WHAT???

So quick back story. Every few weeks I will wake up in the middle of the night to an itchy eye that has literally swollen shut. Just the one eye... never both. Always the same eye. Oddly this also happens to my oldest SIL and it started happening to both of us at around the same time.

-----------------------------------------------
Email - From me to C

Listen...

I don't mean to alarm you but I had another eye flare up this morning... I did some research and it might be eye herpes. I shit you not this thing exists.

So three questions

1. When was your first episode of the eye swelling?

2. Have you had any luck finding out what it is?

3. Did our eye's get together for unprotected sex?

Seriously dude... WTF.

-----------------------------------------------

 Email - From C to me

Sadly this made me laugh out loud.

First incident was last July.

My hairdresser also had. Maybe it was a threesome.

Why wouldn't our doctors tell us about this?

-----------------------------------------------

Email - From me to C

Apparently our eyeballs are tramps.

-----------------------------------------------

This gives eye-fucking a whole new meaning.

LIFEHACKING WITH McLOVIN

Do you know what you can do with a Dustbuster??? Vacuum out the toaster oven...

Your panties can drop any time now.

WHAT'S IN A NAME???

Once I found out I was pregnant (finally for the love of God!) a good friend of mine started OBSESSING about names. I remember when she had her kids it was the same thing... and some of the choices were just awful... but I would agree anything was cute. It was easier then arguing and really they weren't my kids... so what did it matter if I loved the name or not.

And the problem is.. people ALWAYS have an opinion. And you know what... What I or someone else names their kids isn't really anyone else's business. I haven't always loved other people's choices... but the name grows on you and then you can't imagine the child with any other name.  No Offense but I worked HARD for this baby... so I have earned the right to name it whatever we want without listening to the bank tellers opinion. Unless your these people... Then ok, maybe your child name decision making abilities should be questioned. 

This is why it is absolutely necessary to find ridiculous names early... Or come up with bizarre reasoning behind your naming process. People will get so disgusted that they will stop trying to give you there two sense.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is a typical convo about... names:

Queen B: What names have you picked?

Me:     We haven't really gotten serious about the names.

Queen  B:      I could punch you in your head.  You have been dying to get pregnant, and now you are and you aren't into names yet??? WTF.

Me:     Cause why get all excited about a girl name and find out your having a boy. It's a total waste of energy.

Queen  B: So, does McLovin still like Lorelei?

Me:     Yeah, I mean I don't think that it's the #1 girl choice but, he doesn't hate it like some people...

Queen  B: How about  Alyssa it means noble/truth.

Me:      It's cute except McLovin used to wank it to Alyssa Milano... and that shit is just weird. You can't name your kid after someone in your spank bank.

Queen  B: What about Brynn? It means Fiery Hill, Sword Blade.

Me: Yes we want "her" to have a name that means... I have a vagina but if you fuck with me I will rip your face off with my mother-fucking sword skills. Good choice.

Queen  B:    Dude no one really cares about the meaning.

Me: Well that's good since your daughter's name means Boomerang.

Queen  B: Yeah and my name is Dutch for an alcoholic beverage.

Me: No, it's Dutch for the only reason your Dad was able to touch your mothers naughty bits. haha.

Queen  B: Fuck Off! DUDE... Lorelei. The name of the river goddess who lured sailors to their deaths... such a nice name.

Me: If it is a girl... I want her to have a name that says... "Hi... I am a girl... but I will fuck your shit up." I feel like watery death goddess says that... It says it in spades.

Queen  B: I don't know why I even try to help you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I WIN.

And for the curious the she is a he so really this whole conversation was pointless.

I'M GONNA GRAPE YOU!

Sorry I have been MIA... But never fear I am back and hopefully if you aren't mad at me for flaking out. I will post a real post tomorrow. But to hold you over for now: